HowTo:Join a New Age Cult
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So, you want more out of life. You just don't have enough. You'd like more money, fame, peace, love and joy. Thankfully, you can have it all. There are many New Age Cults available to choose from that will allow you to create the life of your dreams!
After all, no matter who you are or what you've done in your life, you're human. Therefore, you deserve whatever you want. So, guess what? You're about to win the lottery. You've already won the Wheel of Fortune. So, what is she entitled to, Vanna?
Learn the New Age Vocabulary To See Just What You're Entitled To[edit]
Abundance: This, of course, means "lots of everything." After all, you never have enough. You need ext
ass[edit]
ra in reserve. The universe IS abundant, but you can't perceive it. If you could, you would have lots of whatever you want. You see, you just need better glasses! So, you need a New Age Counselor to help you see more clearly.
Heaven on Earth: After all, wasn't this promised to you in the
--109.77.213.24 03:25, October 15, 2011 (UTC)herpes[edit]
Bible? It's another case of how Heaven is already here, but you can't see it. Wow! Now you really need your eyes examined!
Now that you know what you rightfully deserve, it's time to
figure out how to go about getting it.
Time to Read Books[edit]
Luckily, the books you need to read will be short and pithy. That's because "true spirituality" is simple. Choose a title with words like "positive energy", "four agreements", or "attracting wealth." These will be your appetizers. After all, you need to be able to make conversation when you meet with other New Agers for dinner.
It's Just Too Hard To Do-What's Wrong with me?[edit]
Ok, now that the educational hour has passed, you are left with a strange, sinking feeling. "It's written so simply," you think, "but I just can't practice it." You try re-reading several times and decide you need a group or a counselor, but don't know where to look to find one. "It's just too hard to do. What's wrong with me?" you say to yourself. "There is never anything wrong with you. You, as well as the universe, is always pure and good. The only thing wrong is your judgment," comes a voice across the room. Excitedly, you proclaim that you have found your next teacher! And all because you let go of your beliefs about crazy people and talked to yourself in public!
Workshop Time-Time to Work, Work, Work![edit]
Every teacher has not only one workshop, but a series of workshops. Rather than build things in these workshops, you are learning to place your attention on positive things about yourself and the world. Not feeling like you're in "My Little Pony" land? Don't despair. Your "energy is rising." You might also notice that at the same time, the workshop cost is rising.
Advanced workshops cost more than the basic ones. And you just keep advancing all the time. But, what is money? Perhaps we should "examine our beliefs" about money. If we believe money is our friend, we will be visited by more of it. Money means nothing. There is always more-- in abundance! So, feel better and better with each check you write!
Oh, To Be Special![edit]
You've been attending workshops for years now. You've finally caught the attention of your wise celebrity teacher! Wow, now if he will only give his blessing (and recommendation), you will be well on your way to that abundance you were promised. It's all looking up! But, what's that? He wants to have sex with you? Oh, everyone who is special does that. It's the best way to receive good energy. But don't attach to him--That would not be spiritual! There must be enough of him to go around... and around.. and around..
Hobbies To Develop[edit]
By developing these habits, you will make more New Age friends and gain popularity in your cult of choice.
Channeling: So what if people think you're not so bright or spiritual? You can channel someone much smarter than you are! Be careful though, possession is possible when you are whoring out your body for spirits to speak through.
Crystal Gazing and Crystal Healing: Oooh, Crystals look so pretty. Gaze upon the prettiness. Maybe it will heal your damaged perceptual system when you aren't living in the marshmellow fairyland your fellow followers are.
Summoning Spirits with Candles: Which spirits? Hell if they care! The most unfamiliar sounding name is usually best when evoking a spirit--impresses people. Forseti and Snotra are wise choices. Also, choose angel spirit guides with names only you understand, such as Mehaliza and Rizulato. No one else will have had conversations with them, so you are special for they have chosen you.
Reincarnation Stories: Should be replete with blood and gore. As messed up as your life has been, you had to have had some severe trauma in the past life. Use your imagination and listen to the commiseration for your sad fate.