HowTo:Inject rats into your bloodstream

HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos

...

Hello children! I see you have come to buy some of my cookies? No? You want rats? Well, I can’t say as I blame you, for that is, of course, what I sell, not cookies. You’re sure you don’t want a cookie though? Well, that’s your problem. What do you intend to do with these rats, anyhow? Oh, I see… You want to… Oh yes! The fine art of injecting rat cocaine! I can teach you how to do that, just come back behind this dumpster.

Now, as you may NOT know, rat cocaine is NOT at type of cocaine. I repeat rat cocaine is NOT COCAINE! Rats are a completely legal drug, and in fact, not a drug at all, because it is rats. That you inject using a needle. That looks like this. It’s like drugs, but with small, furry mammals. Rat injections have many benefits. Such as… acute fibrositis, acute promyelocytic Alopecia areata, anal fissures, ruptured blood vessels, appendicitis, cancer, STDs, heart disease, chickenpox, salmonella, mumps, SARS, Gonorrhea, tuberculosis, typhoid fever, herpes, cancer, Plague, Trachoma, cancer, botulism, cancer, and CANCER! However, it also has many risks. Do not take rats if you are pregnant, may become pregnant, or have been pregnant in the past, present, future, or some distorted reality, such as the apple computer store. Do not take rats if you are taking Zocor, Celebrex, Nexium, Albuterol, Tylenol, or Viagra.

Stop taking rats if you experience an erection lasting more than four hours, and commit suicide. Stop taking rats if you have any thoughts of suicide, as these are completely natural, and should be acted out. Rats should be continued after the death of the addict, and further until decomposure. Alright, are you ready to learn how to do this, kid? Once you start you can never go back, you know...

Instructions

• The first thing you've gotta do is pray. Pray until your knees bleed and your head explodes. This makes your soul extra strong, and you gotta have soul to take rats. You see, rats like music. The more music you can make, the funkier the rats get inside your bloodstream, and the higher you can fly. Make sure you work on you soul, r&b, hip-hop, and the whole shlamoozle!
• The next thing you've gotta do is inject the rats. (I would gladly sell you some already deceased (diseased) rats on deep discount.) To do this, you've got to blend them up in your food processor, or other bodily deformation device. I suggest the food processor because it makes a nice humming sound. Very comforting. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... *hack* anyway, one the rats are ground to a smooth pulp, you should fill a syringe with the mixture, find a blatantly obvious vein, and carefully insert the rats into your bloodstream. "Where might I find a syringe?" you ask? Well, your local playground waste bin is a great place to start looking!

Tip

It might be best to later deny praying, as most drug addicts are so called "atheists".

• Now would be a great time to sit down. If you are standing during the experience, loss of life and limb will not be covered by insurance. Also note that if you are sitting, loss of life and limb may not be covered by insurance. When the drug sets in, you may experience weakness, anemia, and diarrhea.

• The final step is to soar. Just let the drug slowly devour your brai-- *ahem* take you on a colorful journey! You'll see rainbows and monsters and rainbows and...er... well, I guess that's all. When you wake up, you should be dead. So are you ready? No you're not! I've still got talking to do!

Remember the steps of the process. Pray, inject, sit, and soar. Pray, Inject, Sit, and Soar. I call it P.I.S.S. Once you P.I.S.S., you'll never be the same again. So you want some rats? I thought so.

Anything else you need?

Of course, if that's all, that's cool, too, but I also sell hippo crack, baboon heroin, and of course, oxykitten. How's that sound to yo-- uh oh... *sirens are heard in the distance* Uh, I gotta go, I'll be seeing you. Probably pretty soon...