HowTo:Get the day off work

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The basic "I'm sick" excuse is simply pathetic: it lacks imagination and the initiative your company expects from you.

The typical scenario: you call your boss, tell him or her you're feeling a little under the weather. You are cleared for taking the day off. But upon hanging up with you, your boss utters what thousands of management figureheads repeat to themselves: "yeah right, lazy piece of shit".

There are far more creative and intriguing ways to get out of work. However, these more progressive techniques require that you initially show up in the morning, simulating a total desire to work.

Faking Vomitation

Using the fetal position to gather extra sympathy

• Work at your desk, typing little messages and stuff, then walk around the office, nice.
• The day before, dig up fake vomit recipe and pour into a 20 oz water-bottle.
  Fake Vomit Recipe: half eaten buffalo wings, cornmeal, mac and cheese, chamomille tea. Let sit in a hole in your backyard for two weeks.

Now, in an empty bathroom stall, with smuggled water-bottle at hand, take in as much of the preparation without swallowing. Flush water-bottle down the toilet.

• With the fake vomit concoction now occupying your mouth, walk around the office normally, as usual. Fake vomit may taste horrible. Don't talk to anyone or open your mouth for any reason. Try to breathe through your nose.
• Stand bent over in the center of the office; begin making loud growling noises. With your eyes wide open, directly looking at your boss or other superior, open your mouth and pretend to vomit up the fake puke. Try to scream loudly as humanly possible while you "vomit".
• After you are done, maintain your body position, eyes wide open, and screaming as loud as you can. When enough office staff has formed a circle around you, stop. Pretend you are weak and fall to your knees. Finish by faking a strong bout of uncontrollable crying.
• Enjoy being sent home: cozy up to the television with a nice snack. Maury Povich is a great show to watch at this time.

Getting Busted

• Commit a solid, punishable crime in the morning before showing up to work. It could in your neighborhood before getting into your car. Optionally, the crime can be committed on the way to work, using your vehicle.
• Show up to work, calm, cool and collected. Take your seat at your desk and get involved in morning office small talk, if possible.
• Wait for police to show up and look around for you. Get yourself duly arrested, cuffed and escorted out. If you wish, violently resist arrest, to impress co-workers.
• Enjoy getting out of work.

Not So Good: You will end up at a county holding cell while arraignment is underway, but at least you're not in that shit job of yours.

Very Long Cigarette Break

• Purchase several cartons of cigarettes.
• Show up for work and take an early cigarette break.
• Stay out and smoke the whole day.

Not So Good: You may end up getting lung cancer in that one day. It is tiring and taxing to stand outside and chain smoke for 8 hours straight.

Sleep Under Desk

Finally a comfortable position for this damned chair

• Show up to work.
• Take a very powerful sedative. What do they use to put people in a chemically induced coma? Take quarter dose.
• Remove yourself from your chair, replace yourself with a note that reads "PISS OFF". Lie down on the floor, under your desk. Take drug. Pass out.
• Arrange for janitorial staff to wake you up. Go home, having the immense satisfaction of avoiding work.

Not So Good: It is technically not escaping from work in the physical sense. Spent most of the day unconscious.

Alarming Phone Call

• Well in view of co-workers, pretend to masturbate with your cellphone.
• Say something to the effect of "What the fuck ? wait, slow down, what? Ok, Ok, stay right where you are, I'm headed over right now!"
• Ignoring what anyone may say to you, run as fast as you can to the nearest exit. You may push people along the way, screaming "Get the fuck out of my way!".
• Enjoy the rest of your day wanking and watching porn
• You can repeat this technique every single day you come to work.

Stress leave

• Steal a brightly coloured highlighter from a neighboring office desk
• Procede to draw a line on your crotch making it look as if it could be there by accident
• Parade around the office until you see a co-worker stare at the mark
• [IMPORTANT] Throw your arms in the air and scream sexual harassment! making certain you have witnesses
• Speak with your supervisor and break down into a gentle sob
• Go home, buy new pants on the way ready for tomorrow

Not So Good: May only work a few times. Pants cost money