HowTo:Fire your Lazer

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos


~ Mr. Ziggy H. Bomb on Firin' his lazer

Welcome to the run-down guide on how to be able to fire your lazer. For those who do not know what a 'lazer' is, please see the existing lazer article, the hope of enlightening your mind. Also, make sure you spelt it as lazer, and not lazar, or tazer or phazer, or anything that rhymes with 'azer'.


Have you ever wished that there was some way in which you could get that annoying kid in your Geography class to shut up without spilling too much blood? Do you want to knock that apple out of the tree without doing too much work? Do you simply want to do something you know only a handful of others can do? If you have answered 'yes' to any of these questions, you've got some issues. But that's okay, because then you can read this article on how to be able to fire a giant blue lazer from your mouth at unsuspecting people.

Firing your lazer can also be called 'Shoop Da Whoop', however it is less funny.

Quick, efficient, and painful on the receiving end, the lazer is a unique and powerful weapon that you can unleash upon your enemies at any time you wish, or if you simply want to knock an apple out of a tree. This guide will teach you the ways of mastering your lazer, and focusing it into a deadly extension of your body. No, not that kind of extension. If you're thinking along those lines, perhaps you should be reading something else. You obviously aren't in the right frame of mind to be firing something as dangerous as a lazer.

The art of firing your 'inner lazer' is a difficult process that only professionals or the downright insane should practice on a daily basis and in the presence of others. If a lazer is fired incorrectly, it may swerve the intended target and hit somebody else, who then might decide to beat you up to teach you a lesson (if they still exist). The lazer may even backfire altogether and hit you in the groin area if you are not properly trained. Therefore, it is essential that firing lazers is done in a wide area and with at least 10 metres between you and the target.

Follow these simple steps on the correct way to fire your lazer. Adhere to the guide at all times, and do not deviate from it at any point. Or else there's no point in looking at it, is there?

Step 1: The Breathing[edit]

Before you even think of starting to fire that lazer, you need to be sure that you have done the correct breathing exercises.


Remember, breathe in and out. Not the other way round, or else you'll be completely doomed.

Many people who fire their lazer for the first time often die of asphyxiation simply because they forgot to breathe beforehand. Therefore it is crucial that you remember to breathe deeply before firing for a good minute. Take a nap, if you can. Hook yourself up to some breathing apparatus. Drink liquid oxygen. Just find some way of calming yourself down in preparation for firing. Do this for a while, and then you might be ready to fire. If you cannot wait, and your target is going to attack you, then maybe this is not the time you should be practising to fire your lazer. You should probably be running. But no, if you want to fire your lazer now, then read on for the next steps. If you happen to fail running, then consider asking your assaliant for head. Remember, always fire it.

Step 2: The Preparation[edit]

After you have done the breathing exercises, you will need to focus on your intended target for your lazer. You cannot fire your lazer if you have no one to fire it at. That would just be silly. Why would you fire it into the air? The air hasn't done anything wrong. Poor air. Why must people bully it so?

The target should be an annoying person, a tin can on a stand, or simply the planet itself, you need to focus on where the lazer needs to go. Make sure to face the target with your body, and to visualise them getting hit with the lazer in your mind. Do not simply just turn your head at the target! Many people have lost their lives (and their heads) when firing in this position.

Remember, visualise the target in your head. This may not help, but it does make it sound as if this guide knows what it is talking about. More brownie points for sounding realistic equals more views, right?

Step 3: The Build-up[edit]

Again, you do not want to fire your lazer just yet. Necessary energy must be worked up, and only then will the lazer be primed and ready.

Like a precious steam train ready to derail, the lazer needs a fuel source to be fired. Many people think that screwing their faces up and crouching low will help them to build up the lazer without a fuel source. This is NOT true, and it only makes you look constipated. Nobody wants to look constipated at the wrong moment. No, the real fuel for a lazer


A good way of getting angry is to hurt yourself. Oh wait, that's if you want to be an emo...

Yes, that's right. To fire that lazer, you need to be angry with the target. And I don't mean just furious. I mean angry. Really angry. Hate the target! Wish they were dead!! Destroy their pathetic insubordinate life!!! (mudane and evil laugh)

Yeah, that sort of anger. If you cannot find that little flow of anger, then you will not be able to fire the lazer.

Step 4: The Fire!![edit]

The lazer is very useful when you are confronted with angry dancers.

Now is the time to fire your lazer. Once you have built up all of that anger, and the target is in plain sight, then it is time. You, my friend, can fire your lazer!!

To fire your lazer, open your mouth to its widest radius to give the lazer room to shoot out. Make sure that your eyes are wide enough as well, so you can see where to aim, and if the lazer is firing. Now, take a VERY deep breath and proceed with the next instructions.

Many experts on lazer-firing will tell you, and we will only repeat it here in this guide to make it look smart, that a specific key word is needed if you are planning to continue to fire your lazer in later life. Like a cute dog, your lazer can, and often will, respond to key words and/or phrases that you say during the phase of firing. Many people simply use the indecipherable 'BLAH!!' as a key word to trigger the lazer into firing. Others use full phrases, such as 'I'm-a firing ma lazer!!'or 'Dr. Octogonapus!!, in order to just say something legibile, or to get over their dyslexia. The phrase you decide to use as a key word is up to you. Realise, however, that you must teach your lazer to fire on the instance that you speak the key word(s). Like a cute dog, this will take some time and a lot of patience. This will pay off once you have taught your lazer the key word(s). From that point, you need only speak them and the lazer will fire automatically as you enter Step 4 of this guide.

Conservative talk show host Stephen Colbert is an expert at firing his lazer. Here he contributes his know-how to the conservative goal of ridding the land of non-human animals by taking on his favorite targets---Bears!!!

As this may be your first time in the firing of lazers, it might be best if you have key word(s) ready for when the lazer fires. Actually, this should have been at the start of the guide, but who cares? Not you, surely. Anyway, regular practice of lazer firing whilst speaking these key words (that you hopefully have prepared beforehand) will teach your lazer to fire upon these words. For now, though, let us use the term 'Blah' as a key word, just for appearence's sake.

As your mouth and eyes are wide open and you are ready to fire, simply shout 'BLAH!!' at the top of your voice, and at the same time expel all of your held-in air. With luck, the lazer should use the anger in your held-in air and spontaneously ionize into a highly concentrated beam. It will then fly at high speed out of your mouth. If the lazer does not fire, repeat the process of this step again and again until the lazer has fired. If this does not work either and the lazer still does not fire, then there's something wrong with you, and you must repeat the whole thing from Step 1 of this guide. Do not get angry, it is not your fault that you cannot talk and breathe out at the same time. Perhaps you should read up on how to multitask first.

Once the lazer is (hopefully) in perpetual fire, simply aim it at the target by controlling the shape of your mouth. This should not really be necessary if you are already facing the target, but we all know you didn't follow that step. Somebody eventually never follows that step.

Once the lazer has hit the target, wait for it to stop ionizing with your anger. A trick for this is to immediately feel sorry for the remains of the target you have just obliterated with your lazer. This should stop it.


If your lazer does not stop, even after feeling sorry, do not panic. Just close your mouth.

After the lazer has completely stopped, and you have exhausted/stopped all of your anger fuel, check to see if the lazer has actually hit the intended target. You do not want to waste time just firing your lazer and then miss. If the lazer has killed hit the target, then congratulations on your first lazer attack! If you have not hit the target, then regular practice will see to it that you manage to hit your targets with your newfound weapon. And then you can follow this whole guide once again.


Thank you for reading this guide on how to be able to fire your lazer. It is hoped that by following these simple steps, you have been able to correctly fire your lazer. Now you have an amazing tool at your disposal. Just make sure you use it properly, and not for cheap party tricks or Youtube videos.

Bear in mind that it is not unusual for somebody to fail their first time. Remember, practice is the key. Practice, practice, practice, as some sort of Disney film might say.