HowTo:Catch an Atheist

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Atheists today are in high demand. Whether you want to find some in order to huff, or would just like to have a specimen handy for a rainy day, here is a guide that will help you procure the finest specimens of the elusive atheist. But remember folks! Atheists are DANGEROUS and will not hesitate to harm you or your children! So play it safe and be sure to thoroughly read this article to prevent disaster. For the lazy or the infirm atheists can also be purchased from atheist farms, or from Ebay. For the really lazy, agnostics will do in a pinch, but they are decidedly bland.

Where can I find an Atheist?


It is common knowledge that all scientists are atheists. Try going to your local college and standing outside the chemistry lab in order to catch one unawares.

The first step of course is finding an atheist! While they are found quite commonly on the internet, probably mocking your religion on your message board no doubt, but alas, they are harder to find face to face. The best way to find an atheist is to go out when most normal people are at church in early morning Sundays or Saturdays or some other "holy" day. This will require you to miss church as well, but I'm sure God will understand you are doing this for the greater good and forgive you (God's cool like that).

Of course atheists are often slobs and will choose to rather sleep in the safety of their homes during this time. But do not despair! There are still bound to be some atheists roaming the streets. Try going around to public places. It is safe to assume that everyone you meet is one of the following:

  • Another person trying to catch an atheist - be sure to let them know that you are one of their number. Secret handshakes are a cool way for atheist hunters to recognize each other. Be sure to join forces with anyone you meet since there is safety in numbers!
Finding the atheist is probably the most daunting task.
  • Adherents to some strange, exotic, or otherwise obscure religion - Be careful of these, for they are religious but just don't keep the Sabbath holy, or worse, think the Sabbath is on another day! Seriously, what kind of crazy people would go church on Saturdays?
  • An atheist - Your target, your prey, the object of your mission. Stay calm. Try to look for subtle hints that they are an atheist. Are they in the library reading His Dark Materials or some other Satanic God-hating book? Are they in the Starbucks drinking some kind of weird tea rather than an espresso loaded with God's drug of choice? Those are the Atheists

Preventing the Atheist from Escaping

Atheists have developed many arguments against religion that may be used to distract you so they can make a quick getaway. Don't let them get their point across! As soon as the atheist begins to talk about invisible pink things or teapots in space be sure to give them a good knock over the head to prevent their blasphemy!

Atheist authors are easy to distract by giving them a book to sign. Use this moment to make your move.

Ok, so now you have your atheist. So what is next? You must prevent the atheist from any means of escape. This means using duct tape and lots of it. Be sure to place it directly on the hairy parts of the arms and legs in order to ensure that your atheist cannot remove themselves using the powers that Satan gives them. An essential step is to be sure to gag the atheist since they have been known to talk their captors into suicide with their inane attempts at "logic". You may want to bring a backup person who is 100% resistant to atheism, preferably a redneck with a shotgun or an abortion clinic bomber.

Transporting the Atheist

Atheists are generally able to be squeezed into trunks, but you might occasionally find a big one. If you do, it's generally advisable to huff them at the spot.

Atheists can fit into a variety of small spaces and can be easily transported in the trunks of most cars. Atheists are also very durable and can even survive being shipped through UPS with only minor damage. If you have collected atheists as specimens and want to keep them in top shape, be sure to put them in boxes before shipping and include large amounts of bubble wrap and packing peanuts.

What do I do with an atheist?

Great question! Here are some suggestions:

  • Atheists make great Christmas gifts! While tying up your atheist be sure to add a festive bow before placing under your tree! Gag them so they don't mention anything about that poison known as "political correctness." I mean, really, who the hell cares about a HOLIDAY tree?!
  • It's well-known that atheists are hard-headed and obviously too stubborn to allow the Holy Spirit to work in them. So use this to your advantage! Atheists make great sledgehammers or anything else blunt. Use it from nailing your crucifixes to full-scale demolition. Or better yet, use it dole out judgment in the LORD's name!
  • Atheists are edible, but they are unpalatable unless cooked with noodles or in an invisible teapot.
  • As long as their mouths are securely duct-taped, atheists make great children's toys. Tired of building blocks? Try stacking atheists for a change!
  • Atheist huffing is becoming a popular pastime. Why don't you try it sometime? Everyone is doing it!