HowTo:Build a Nuclear Bomb

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Whether an amateur nuclear scientist or just plain sociopath, there is a world of wonder in blowing things up - this is a truly manly sport. One that has stood the test of time. Since the Chinese first mixed salt peter and sulfate, man has been hard at work blowing things up. You can join this club, but not in a pansy firecracker or pipe bomb way. You will go nuclear! Yes, that's right! An explosion so big the gods will shudder. A real magical mushroom. Welcome to the atomic age.

First we should establish a few ground rules. nuclear etiquette states that it is only to be used as a last resort. So give your ex at least one more call, she may just be confused. That guy isn't the man for her, she just needs a chance to see it. On the other hand if your intent is for a prank, go ahead it will be the best one ever. nothing says "HA, I SO GOT YOU" like a nuclear fireball.

Finding Your Fuel

The most important ingredient

First off you need to obtain the fissile material. I recommend americium-241. It has a critical mass of 60 kg, and is relatively easy to get. It is used in small amounts in smoke detectors. If your nearest smoke detector factory isn't gullible enough to send all their scratch-and-dent detectors to a Dr. I.P. Frehley, you will need to start saving old broken ones — as there is about 1 microcurie of it in a typical smoke detector, you will only need a couple... hundred thousand or so. If you want to go the more legal way, you can use thorium-232, which is used to make gas lamp mantles brighter. You will need to convert this into uranium-233 by bombarding it with neutrons for a month. You will need 20 pounds of it, and also about twenty rolls of good aluminum foil, a small pocket watch, two rolls of duct tape, and some Skittles (regular flavor only). This will be a grand start to a funny prank, or a valuable life-lesson.

Construction

This Old Reactor

Take the Americium and place it in a Super Soaker (or equivalent water pistol). Add about 2 cups of grape soda and a half dozen Mentos. You now have a working neutron gun. Not to be confused with a laser gun. Those are for wimps, our one shoots pure radiation. Consequently it is a fun side experiment to cook a hot-dog with it, but no fries. Now you must take the Thorium (who names this shit? Stan Lee perhaps?) and roll it up into the aluminum foil. Those pot smoking skills will help out a lot here. After you have your nuclear joint, place it in front of the "gun". This process will purify the Thorium "thunder god" -232 into Uranium-233. As you may have noticed you are now having trouble with increased amounts of acne. Put the Oxy-10 down, this is radiation poisoning. You can not reverse this it is just the price we pay for our little hobbies. Now it is time to move on to the igniter stage.

The Boom

The thing that sets it off

You need to obtain some high explosives. Your neighborhood terrorist or gang should have some great (but illegal) info. How about you going to that big new Muslim temple they built by the twin towers and ask around there. Be sure after you get the info that you thank all the misunderstood free radicals for the information that will help you blow up their entire country pull off your prank/lesson...make sure it's the real deal though because things like gunpowder are too weak. I recommend something that is not very sensitive, as timing is everything.

Construction

Making the Bomb

Since you will not have access to a large bomber or stealth type airplane, it is critical that the design is perfect. The diagram pictured below will act as a guide to help you through this process.

NEW WORLD ORDER The Funny Part

The sight gag

You are a success! A giant among your peers! Now it's time for the best prank in human history. You will be honored in the hallowed halls of deviants. Open the hood of your friend's car, secure the atomic bomb under the hood, and make sure that the tip will make contact with the hood if shut. Now close the hood gently, at the point when it latches. Ask your target to give you a ride to the store. This will be SO good! As he puts the car in drive point out that the hood is not shut all the way. Watch as he slams the hood to be sure it shuts fully...

BOOOOOM!!!

Oh, you so got him! he will never be able to top that! and...oh dear! the author has died as well! oh well...

See Also

• Atomic Bomb
• Death
• HowTo:Destroy the World
• HowTo:Dismantle an atomic bomb
• HowTo:Build a bomb (hypothetically)
• 9/11

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