HowTo:Become a wise old man

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What's that? No, come closer! I can't hear you, you're so damn quiet! Oh, you said you want to re-burn some rice in a pan? Well, why the hell would you want to do that? Oh, I see! You want to become a wise old man, like me! Well who you callin old, eh whippersnapper? Ah, don't try to convince me otherwise, I know I'm an old fella. Perhaps not long in this world, even. But you want me to use my wisdom to teach you how to obtain wisdom? Well, that I suppose I could do. If this is what you really want, I'll teach you to become a wise old man.

Step 1: Get in shape!

See? This nice fella was in such great shape he stayed healthy after death. Now that's fitness.

Now I know all of you youngsters are always just settin' about, typing on your Internets and whatnot. But if you really want to be a wise old man, you can't die from a heart attack at age 50! No sirree, and most of us wise men could teach even you kids in your prime a thing or two about movin' stones and wrastlin'. Some of us even know Karate! So get into shape, and maybe you'll at least get old!!

Step 2: Learn stuff!

You know that whole "knowledge is on a higher level than wisdom" crap people say? It's just that: crap! Ignore it! If you really want wisdom, you're gonna need knowledge first. Read a book. Do an experiment. Put a cat in a microwave just to see what would happen, I don't care! Just, ah, don't tell your Ma and Pop that I toldja to try that, ok? Oh and Kung Fu! A lot of wise old men know all about Kung Fu, or Tae Kwon Do, or Pae Do. Martial arts master = wise old man 75% of the time. That's an actual statistic, I remember it from my childhood. I ever tell you about my childhood? It's a great story...

Step 3: Slowly gain a cynical perspective on life and all of existence

So, you got smart? If you did (and I know you didn't, you lazy whippersnapper! You were just on my lawn, messin up the grass! Well, don't friggin do that!) then you now understand how futile your very existence is. Honestly, what is with that goal of yours? Become a wise old man? Why don't you just work on your yard all day, then take a nap? You could even learn to cook. Of course, becoming this cynical will take time, so lets move on to the next step, before I hurt your immature little brain.

Step 4: Grow an outrageously long and white beard

See the beard? That's 2 1/2 feet of respect right there!

See this beard I've got? It's not fake, not some kind of prop I have so people can make fun of it behind my back! No! It's actually a status symbol. You know why? People respect the beard. Or at least, they used to. Now, none of you kids respect anything any more! It's like you're all freakin delinquents, hoodlums even! If nothing else, the long white beard always shows how old and wise you are, even if you damn kids won't give us the respect we deserve!

Step 5: Wait

Don't worry, this one's easy! All you need to do is wait! At least, that sort of thing used to be easy, until you kids got your internets, and got all concerned with getting everything faster! Faster faster faster, that's all you kids care about these days! Which car do you want? Well which is faster? How about: "Which is reliable and will last the longest," you ignorant ninnies! Honestly, I'll be amazed if any of you manage to wait long enough to become a wise middle-aged man! And now you have your excuses, your ADD, your ADHD, your OCD, and all the like! Back in my day, if you couldn't concentrate, you were stupid. They don't have drugs to remedy that! So good luck waiting!

But I'm a girl. Can I become wise and/or old?

Oh, I get it! You think that you can just wave your little silicone boobies around in that tiny shirt you've got on and all of a sudden you don't have to go through all of these steps! Well you know what, missy? In my day, people would be calling you a whore for wearing an outfit like that. If you wanna be a wise old woman, go ask a friggin old woman!

Did your parents hit you as a child?

Yes, they did, and it straightened me out, goddamnit! Your parents obviously didn't, and now you're an uppity little whiner, who thinks the whole world revolves around you, and your little side-idea of being a "wise old man." Well guess what? It doesn't! Now go away, I want to take a nap! You'll need a lot of those when you're a wise old man, too!