HowTo:Be a shoegazer
For the main article on Shoegaze, cilck here.
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“DUT DUT DUT DUT DUT VREEEEEW VREEEEOW”
Have you ever had the dream to become a shoegaze star? Then read on, as this guide is just the one for you! By the end, you will become a professional shoegazer. Or at least, get tinnitus.
How to choose the perfect vacuum cleaner
Shopping for vacuum cleaners can be a daunting task, but fret not. They come in all shapes and sizes, with different price tags. The one Kevin Shields used in Loveless, the Vintage 1959 Fender Dustmaster Supreme (in pink of course), cost him $500,000. But be responsible, you can't use them if you don't pay your electricity bills (well, you could always tell your neighbor "sharing is caring"). Here is how you can choose the perfect one:
- Decide what color sound you want. This is a crucial step.
- Buy it goddamnit, stop wasting time.
If you still can't figure out how to choose one, don't worry, fate will eventually bring it to you. Just like it brought me back pain.
How to build a shoegaze studio
Shoegaze studios can vary greately. You need to take into account the acoustics of the premises. The more the sound echos, the less you would need to spend on effects pedals.
Popular choices include:
- under the bridge
- in the sewer
- in a professional studio (the less favorable option)
- in a farm
The next step is to enhance the sound.
Firstly, distortion. This could be done by either buying a really expensive guitar pedal, or by using a broken microphone. The worse the mic, the better. Adding a second layer of distortion is also possible, by recording the recording again. And again. And again.
Afterwards, a liberal amount of reverb needs to be applied, to soften up the whole mess. The next part: even more reverb. There is never enough reverb. Ever. This can be done by playing in one of the studios previously mentioned, or alternatively, using barrels (in the case that you live in one of the dirt plantations in Afghanistan). They provide plenty of reverb, free of charge.
The last step is to make the whole thing louder. If your ears asplode, then well done, you did it!
- If you do decide to read it, be prepared, as what is mentioned might or might not help you on your journey.
- Pun intended. Vacuum cleaners don't have frets.