Hodgetts derivative

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“I had Hodgetts derivative around for tea once”

~ Oscar Wilde on Hodgetts derivative

"I'm so proud of it, I put my name on it"
   ~ Jonathon Hodgetts on Hodgetts derivative

Hodgetts Derivative[edit]

Hodgetts derivative is a unique, highly illogical, branch of mathematics, invented by one Jonathon Hodgetts who dwells in Norfolk. It is speculated that inbreeding has resulted in his unusual powers of mathematics. Hodgetts derivative can be applied to almost any formula, inequality or person suffering from non-existant personality disorder. It is also speculated Jonathon Hodgetts suffers from the aformentioned disorder (non-existant personality disorder).


This will be vaguely familiar to anyone who has done basic calculus. If so you will be aware of integration and differentiation. Disintegration is the best of both, invented by Jonathon Hodgetts in order to make powers of x abnormally large, like his waist, or abnormally small, like his penis. An example below.

x to the 3 + 4 when 'disintegrated' becomes 3x to the 4 + 14x. Alternatively when one is feeling small, x to the 3 + 4 can become 1/4 x to the -2.


This was invented by Hodgetts when he was "tired of mathematical 'rules' " and concluded that "those damn proletariat x's will be what I say they are". Example below.

x-7 = -9x would conventionally make x = 7/10. However this requires a level of thought way beyond Hodgetts capabilities. He therefore saves himself much thought with the 'proof' below.

x-7 = -9x

x = 13 and 3 quarters (in honour of Adrian Mole)


Fractions defy the laws of Hodgetts derivative. Therefore in order to save time all fractions are equal to 1.

3/4 = 1/1. Its simple innit!


Recently Hodgetts has expanded his mathematical theories to take in the concept of probability. Hodgetts conducted a complex series of mathematical using all of the power of his mind, which is not much. This led him to invent an entirely new mathematical concept. NEGATIVE PROBABILITY. This allows him to get convenient negative answers in probablity questions. He argues that negative answers indicate the likelihood of something happening in the 'most convenient dimension'.

Example; You have 1 even die. You roll it twice. What are the chances of getting 2 sixes?

Answer; 1/6 x 1/6 = -300/36.

It makes perfect sense!


Jonathon Hodgetts is a relatively common creature. However environmental changes, such as the demise of the class system, threaten his future survival. However, though his species maybe be endangered, his mathematics will live on forever.