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Hachenmota Motors is a little known manufacturer of small automobile engines. Their engines have graced the likes of the Honda Accord, Fiat Picolino, and the classic Porsche .5 Hachenmota, which carries the namesake of the small company.

De'Hachenmota circa 1904.


Hachenmota Motors was founded back in the heat of the great Mexico-Japan War of 1903. Colonel Francisco Blanco Antonio De'Hachenmota was taken hostage by the Japanese, and spent eight years working slave labor in an Isuzu factory. Upon his release by Belgian Peace Corps workers, he retained the knowledge he gained in Japan and returned home to Mexico to start his own company.

Hachenmota Motors got off to a rocky start, and had trouble finding buyers for its products during its first years. There were two reasons for this: not only did Francisco De'Hachenmota fail to remember the intricacies of Japanese engineering, but even in his extended family of 1.5 million people he could not find a single man capable of replicating the technical expertise of the Japanese workers.

Good fortune finally smiled upon De'Hachenmota in 1912 when Italian sportcar maker Fiat decided to use the 55Hp .5L Hachenmota engine in their newest automobile, the Fiat Picolino. The Picolino sold well in Italy where the roads are narrow enough that a moderately fat person overhangs both sides. Hachenmota's engines fit well in narrow cars as he designed them with all 12 cylinders in a line rather than side-by-side. The narrow roads prompted Fiat to continue to use Hachenmota engines in their cars, and De'Hachenmota's profits grew by 300% in that period -- from 1.8 thousand USD to 5.0 thousand USD. With the massive influx of capital, Hachenmota bought 1/8th of the entire country of Mexico and began mass producing their engines.

Hachenmota Today[edit]

Today Hachenmota motors are used in a wide variety of automobiles and other vehicles, with some automakers secretly using Hachenmota engines in their production cars (Ford for example). Success in this field has prompted the company's president Francisco Blanco Antonio De'Hachenmota II to attempt to branch off into other aspects of the automotive industry. Under development right now is Hachenmota Motors' first production vehicle. Hachenmota wanted to create a popular small car that would appeal to a younger generation of buyers looking for a lot of bang for the buck, thus the "Hachenmota 5000GTS 6.3i Type R" was born.

This snappy vehicle has the traditional in-line 12-cylinder engine, bored and stroked to a fine frenzy. The seat cushions are genuine sealskin, there is a built-in bidet, and the car comes with its own Dusseldwarf to handle parking and distribute dramamine tablets. When not in use the Dusseldwarf tucks himself away in the trunk and smokes hashish.

An early build of the Hachenmota 5000GTS 6.3i Type R

Safety is not forgotten, and a unique triple-airbag system triggered by dynamite guarantees that any survivors of a wreck will not suffer long. The safety harnesses have a hand-thrown hangman's noose built in and in Hachenmota's testing these nooses effectively broke the necks of 200-kilo wrestlers if the car so much as bumped a kerb.

The recherché car critic can only say, "Bravo!"