GarbageLand
GarbageLand, or FutureLand, is a futuristic theme park in Cleveland, Ohio. It sells roughly four tickets a year (at least two of them are usually the owner's children).
History[edit]
The lot on which GarbageLand is located used to be a landfill, until the city of Cleveland decided it no longer needed a landfill; instead it could just dump all its garbage into a nearby river. And so, the landfill was put up for sale, and a man by the name of Leon Spimble purchased it. Leon was the owner of many theme parks, including Vomitville ("Determined to make your kids vomit at least 8 times or your money back!"), Tiny World ("At one inch high, this is the world's smallest theme park! Pay us just $99.00 and you can look at it!") and Lobotomy Land ("Experience first-hand the thrill of getting a lobotomy, with one of our janitors paid professionals!"). But in purchasing this massive landfill, Leon was taking on his most ambitious project yet. Within a few months, two of which were spent working on the lot next door due to an embarrassing error on Leon's part, the park was up and running.
Description[edit]
GarbageLand has many different future-themed "rides," all of which were made using objects on or near the dumpster to convey the future's futuristic theme. The entire theme park is contained within a large metal dome, which is heated to a toasty 105°. "I wanted to actually create a full working ecosystem," says Leon. "I was actually planning on buying the sun and having it shipped to the park so I could use CO2 to magnify its rays and make the global warming feel of the park as realistic as possible, but I discovered that the sun has already been purchased by Disney World."
Rides and attractions[edit]
The park features a wide array of rides and attractions, all of which are designed to convey a sense of the future that is as realistic and futuristic as possible. Tickets cost $35,000 each, to reflect future inflation rates, but these high prices often drive customers away. One of the park's biggest rides is the "Sewer Slide," a water slide in which kids slide through a thin, cement pipe filled with acidic, mercury-filled water, into a swimming pool filled with human waste. Also popular is the "Shard Pool," which is similar to a ball pool, except instead of being filled with hollow, plastic, colorful balls it is filled with broken light bulbs, soda cans, diapers, and syringes in which children can roll and play for hours at a time. "We really want a trip to GarbageLand to be an enriching and educational experience," says Leon on his park, "so we have no artificial garbage. We won't see US using any fake, plastic stuff! Take THAT, Disney!" It also featured an "Acid Rain shower," a refreshing mist of burning chemicals that sprays visitors every half hour, along with the "energy crisis Ferris wheel," which randomly stops and starts and ultimately ends randomly, leaving the guests to figure out how to get out of their 30-foot-high seats. One of the park's most famous attractions is the Disease House, a sort of fun house in which park visitors attempt to walk through a kind of obstacle course filled with rabid dogs, hoses which spray concentrated flu viruses and smallpox viruses into the air, and people with AIDS who jump out of dark corners, yell "BOOO!" and attempt to pass the disease on to park-goers. The object of the game is to make it through the house without catching any of the diseases. A sign outside the house says, "Disease House: A Family obstacle course! Great way to spend hours of enriching, quality time with your children!"
Food and restroom facilities[edit]
Perhaps the most controversial aspect of the park is its policy on food, and restrooms. The restaurant's cafeteria serves meals deliberately poisoned or tainted with various chemicals. Some menu items include "9-year-old meat (of unknown origin) with extra formaldehyde," and "Nondescript, rusty bowl filled with a slimy, unknown, mercury-filled substance."
Even more controversial than the meals is the park's restroom policy. In place of restrooms, a large sign reads, "Take a shit wherever the hell you want!" When asked about this, Leon said, "Our general policy is to be as accurate in representing the future as possible. Do you think there'll be a lot of places to store waste in the future? I think not. You don't want my park to be dishonest, do you? You don't want a park that fills kids' heads with lies about the future, do you?" The interviewer didn't ask Leon any further questions, because he had collapsed from inhaling too many of the fumes that fill the theme park. Several health inspectors have been dispatched to the park to inspect these unfavorable conditions; as of yet, none of the inspectors have returned alive save one, who was trembling violently, drooling, and bellowing the phrase "TOADSTOOLS, MARY! TOADSTOOLS, AND OLIVE BRAAAANCH!" at random moments.
Profits[edit]
The park so far has made a total of −$88,000. "I'm hoping to turn things around very soon," says Leon on future profits, "I'm planning a new Nuclear Bomb roller coaster ride which should draw in a huge crowd. After all, there's nothing like the thrill of riding a roller coaster which ends with a nuclear bomb being dropped on your head, and your body instantly vaporizing into a cloud of scattered atoms and bits of radioactive sludge!" However, as long as his prices for entry are as high as they are, the park is likely to continue losing money. "Why should I pay $99 to have my kids killed when I can take them to Guillotine World across town for only $5.95?" Guillotine World is a rival theme park centered on a Halloween theme, with the slogan: "What's scary about being strapped down and having your head cut off?" Leon, however, remains optimistic about his park's economic future.
Rival parks[edit]
Aside from Guillotine World, another park was built right across the street from GarbageLand called "Flower World." The park's premise was to depict the future "as it actually will be," that is, human beings coming to respect the natural world. Before being purchased, the lot was simply a meadow, and the owner made few changes, aside from the addition of a few "Green" rides such as a "Windmill Ferris wheel" and a "fuel-efficient roller coaster." However, the public showed little interest in the park, and it was out of business within a week. The lot was purchased and bulldozed, and it now contains a parking garage that houses several broken SUVs and a heroin gang. It also contains an extra car park for all those idiots who can't be asked to wake up early in the morning so visit the park later that day. However, this car park has never been used as not that many people have visited GarbageLand, even though it sells a whopping 4 tickets a year. As a result, the heroin gang park their cars there instead (but they can't afford cars, so they just keep spare needles in that area instead).