Friend zone

A Category 1 friend zone is established for a particularly love-weary stalker-type.

When it comes to relationships, if there is one word that scares men most, it is definitely "friend." Throughout history, even the most courageous and ambitious of men have been slammed with the "F" word to become hopeless, helpless quivering heaps of despair. But there is hope.

A man who finds himself in the friend zone has not necessarily reached the end of the road. Just because she thinks of him as "a friend" does not mean all hope is lost. He just needs to learn what zone he is really in.

The Misconception

Perhaps the greatest misconception among men is that women are hard to understand. Notions have existed since the 4532nd century B.C. that women say one thing and mean another. Or, that women actually meant something vaguely similar yet unpredictably different and it will never be possible to know. This is simply not true at all. When a woman says something, the meaning is definite, clear, and has no more then five exact variants. Sometimes there are as little as two meanings for what she says which are exact and to the point. All one has to do is know these exact variants, and the methodology for decoding which of the meanings are true for the given situation. There really is no need for a man to feel left "in the dark". It is possible to understand women. You just need to start listening.

So the time has come to clarify, once and for all, the meaning of "friends." Men faced with this situation can rest assured they finally understand where things stand in their relationship, and thus find their way out of the "friend zone."

The real meaning of "Friends"

Men think they know what a woman means when she uses the "F" word. They assume they are trapped at a veritable road block - the Friend Zone - which cannot be passed, like ever. This is only because they heard it from their guy-friend who is still a virgin and knows nothing about women but is pretending to have all the answers to disguise the fact that he is a total loser. But if the man had only learned the truth, instead of believing his pathetic virgin guy-friend, it would have been clear that there are three different friend zones, all which are distinct and identifiable. And since, of course, men never listen, they never realized that there is even a NATO stock number for each of the three categories of "friends". How could it ever have been confusing?

Friend Zone Category 1

(NATO NSN 5340-01-228-0218)

Ok, so the bad news first. Cat 1 is the category that men automatically conclude they are in: the women in question has subtly but totally denied any possibility that things are going to go any further between them. A man in the friend zone category one just isn't what she is looking for, and it is possible that she finds him physically repulsive.

Again, it would be wrong to jump to this conclusion immediately, without reviewing the other possible meanings. However, if at any time - any time - the woman says that she thinks of you "as a brother" then this is a definitely a sign of a Cat 1, no questions. Turn around and go home. Unless of course it is really a Cat 2, which follows below.

Friend Zone Category 2

(NATO NSN 9646-21-C43-2982)

Category 2 means the state of being "friends" is mainly attributed to environmental factors, leading to improbable circumstances for a relationship to exist. Examples include distance, where the man lives in another municipality then the woman, or career, such as one that required working in other regions or countries. This is not a dead-end zone! It is vital to stay alert to the tell-tale signal: the woman will say something to the effect of "I would like to be friends." Undoubtedly, a man hearing this phrase is surely in Cat.2. There is potential for chemistry, but it just isn't present due to the current circumstances. But something might happen if things were to change. Maybe. It depends if it was said in a Cat.2 way or a Cat.3 way, which is really easy to differentiate. It all has do do with the room temperature and the concentration of mineral salts in the water supply. Or something. If you don't get it, I don't know what's wrong with you.

Friend Zone Category 3

(NATO NSN 3711-00-009-8816)

Men must be very careful to know the significance of Category 3. If mistaken for Cat.1 or Cat.2, the results could be awkward or disastrous if the fail to identify the correct zone, thereby leading the man to blame the woman, wrongly, for being so difficult to understand. But if the man would only LISTEN, he would get it. It makes perfect sense. This "friend zone" is nearly exactly the same as Cat.2, except for the interpreted view on the status of the relationship as taken from the woman's perspective of the man's situation. There are unforeseen circumstances not attributed to environmental factors, but the personal situations of the individuals. There exists a willingness by both the man and woman to carry forward with a relationship. The main difficulty is that something is not allowing the woman or the man to move forward, at least in the eyes of the woman, and it isn't quite sure what or when things will work out, but for now, they are able to remain "friends."

Conclusion

There are many false assumptions about relationships. Yet a man who understands the exact nature of life in the "friend zone" need not be anxious nor restless. He will recognize the signs and be able to act accordingly. And if it seems confusing to him, he just wasn't listening when he was supposed to be. Because I obviously made it perfectly clear. He just never listens.