Formula 1

Formula 1 (also known as F1, Max Verstappen's Ego Trip, or Rich People NASCAR) is likely the best way to drive around on expensive squiggly circles using expensive cars. A soap opera made of carbon fiber, it began as an easy way for car manufacturers to spend hundreds of millions annually to make cars go faster. Then the rules change and the intention is make them go slower because people may die on prime time television.

Drivers

Despite appearance, the drivers are not created in FIA's secret laboratories, although several have the posture and emotional regulation of government property.

An average F1 driver can:

• React in under 0.2 seconds, which is faster than most humans can regret a tweet.
• Withstand 5–6 G of cornering force, causing their neck to experience what can only be described as continuous assault.
• Lose 3–4 kg during a race, making Formula 1 the world’s most expensive cardio class. Doctors insist this is "fine".

Contrary to the belief that drivers "just sit there," each race requires:

• Steering forces strong enough to arm-wrestle a small bear
• Neck muscles capable of holding up a helmet that weighs more than some Formula E cars
• Core strength sufficient to survive Ferrari strategy meetings

Drivers train by lifting weights, running marathons, and repeatedly shaking their heads "no" while under load, which is later rebranded as "cornering".

Teams

Red Bull Racing:

• Proves that energy drinks are a viable engineering philosophy.
• Formula 1 is in fact not a team sport and can be carried on one person's back.

Mercedes:

• Former empire in recovery. They spent years dominating before realizing that regulations are in fact applicable to everyone.
• Currently, Mercedes is extremely professional. They consistently finish p3-p5 while insisting it's progress.

McLaren:

• Built a car that goes faster than your dad and your mom last night. Hired two drivers who tried SO HARD to bottle 2025 but the car was SO FAST even Lando Norris couldn't bottle it.

Ferrari:

• "It must be the water." Always expect to win but rarely do.

Aston Martin

• This is what happens when daddy's money and Fernando Alonso make a team.

Alpine:

• Slow. Seem to go backwards in slo-mo replays.

Williams:

• Used to babysit drivers for Mercedes until they were ready, although after a war for independence they signed Sainz and Albon, two very capable drivers, and gave them a shitbox tractor of a car and wished them luck.
• The "best of the rest."

Haas:

• Slow but faster than Alpine. Haas is to Ferrari as Williams is to Mercedes.

Kick Sauber:

• Audi's unfinished science project.

Visa Cash App Racing Bulls

• Red Bull's junior team. (They have a better car.) Wear shorts and are all aged about 12.

Cadillac

• America's infiltration of F1 because NASCAR wasn't enough for them.

FIA

💥😔🔫 The name stands for Formica Insulated Assholes. Ok, that's made up. It is Federation Internationale de l'Automobile. Why in French you may ask. The answer is the same for the international football association or FIFA. France got there first with the competitive organising bit. A bit ironic as there is no native French team in FIA, not since bent nosed team owner Alain Prost crashed his team into the barriers in 2001.

Cars

Overpriced pieces of carbon fiber, designed to go very fast while remaining just fragile enough to explode dramatically on live television.

Modern F1 cars are built according to rules from Fédération Internationale de l'Automobile, whose mission is to keep racing competitive, safe, and occasionally confusing.

Speed

An F1 car can exceed 350 km/h (217 mph), which is faster than:

Most commercial aircraft on the runway

Your internet when you actually need it

Any strategy call from Ferrari

Despite this, drivers constantly complain they need “more grip,” proving humans adapt quickly to absurd levels of velocity.

Aerodynamics

The cars produce so much downforce they could theoretically drive upside down — although teams prefer not to test this because budgets are already terrifying.

Aerodynamics are so sensitive that:

A slightly wrong wing angle costs tenths of a second

A plastic sandwich wrapper on track becomes a national emergency

Wind tunnel time is treated like contraband luxury goods

Steering Wheel The steering wheel has roughly 47 buttons, 12 rotary dials, a screen, multiple clutch paddles, and probably the ability to order coffee.

Drivers use it to:

Adjust brake balance

Change differential settings

Complain politely on team radio

Somehow they do this at 300 km/h without accidentally posting on social media.

Tires

All teams use tires from Pirelli, whose compounds are named like printer ink cartridges but degrade faster.

There are usually several tire types:

Soft — Very fast, lasts about five minutes

Medium — Politely mediocre

Hard — Durable but emotionally unsatisfying

Rain tires exist mostly to convince broadcasters the race might still happen.

Reliability

Modern cars are incredibly advanced machines that occasionally fail because:

A sensor sneezed

Electronics had feelings

Someone forgot a bolt

When everything works, teams like Mercedes-AMG Petronas F1 Team call it engineering excellence. When it doesn’t, it’s “learning for the future.”