Fernando Burtoni

HOLY FUCK THIS ARTICLE IS INACCURATE

That's Fernando.

Fernando Burtoni is a winged cat who is the king, PM and former prince of Aliandra, a country on Sigma Centauri, a planet 4.1 light years away. He was born in 1948 CE in the national capital. He is a renowned clarinetist and clarinet builder, and once built a 4-metre tall instrument. He also is a great gunsmith and sharpshooter, and could probably kill Chuck Norris with one well-aimed shot or a blast of ultrasound from a microscopic clarinet. He is also a pretty good fighter pilot, and flies a modified Avro Arrow.

Biography

The Earlier Years

His Birth

When Fernando was born, he had 25 siblings, who are not worth listing. He was a very special child because, according to a silly tradition, he was the middle child in the youngest set of triplets, thus making him the heir to the throne. This was also the reason he was almost the shortest lasting member of the royal family because his at the time 14-year-old sister Cassandra favoured one of her younger sisters, Emilia (who was 7), and thus, she decided to kill Fernando with a pipe bomb, Benzene mixed in to the ceremonial birth cake and a hammer to the head. His death would make Emilia the heir to the throne, and then Cassandra would be happy. All three attempts failed, and Cassandra got measly punishment; a pep talk by her mom. (Members of the Aliandran royal family are automatically exempt from punishment if they kill another member as long as they declare it within 24 hours of the murder)

Early Childhood

Fernando, apparently unfazed by the incident except for occasional nightmares, grew up like the other triplets, Samuel and Miguel, even though they were treated differently. Fernando started playing clarinet by the age of 3, and made a clarinet at the age of 7. He also learned how to use a gun at his wayward uncle's ranch, and started designing them. His relatively mellow life was interrupted at the age of five by the birth of his youngest sibling, Jack, who was a late bloomer and had a below average IQ. He quickly picked up on the royal game of assasination, but, like all of his siblings, failed miserably. Fernando constantly punishes Jack for misusing his guns (especially the time Jack ruined a diamond clarinet Fernando was making which led to Fernando destroying a mini-helicopter Jack owned with 5 kilograms of C4.)

Growing Up

By the time Fernando was 9, he had matured a lot. He had started studying how to fly combat aircraft, and he got an Avro Arrow for his birthday. This was the start of Fernando's growth of interest in the military. He also started studying tactics, even though his 1-minute older brother Samuel was better. Fernando also started learning about diplomacy, and took over some of his grandfather, the king's roles due to a brain tumour he (the king) had which gave him midlife crisis, which is unusual in these cats because their frontal lobes don't deteriorate until they're 800. Fernando was treated like the king, even though he didn't have the power to gratuitously order the army to "delete" people. He also started flirting with a homeless girl at a "homeless girl sanctuary" (a place where erm... monks worked until an investigation by the government).

Becoming Responsible

Andrea's Quest

The girl Fernando liked, Andrea, hated her life at the sanctuary due to abuse by the monks. She told Fernando that they treated her as a slave, and Andrea claimed that they said that they'd "hunt her down" if she was away at night. Aliandra was an absolute monarchy where residents could only leave with express permission from an official. Fernando had the authority, and he escorted her out of the country. This quest, however was strangely long (these cats could fly, at the minimum, around 850 km/h) due to the fact that Fernando had to command troops fighting the Eastern Frontier Rebels for 3 months. This quest, in Fernando's eyes, eventually became useless due to a sudden tragedy...

Meeting Sirius

Fernando and Andrea were walking along a steep mountain pass, due to high winds in the wrong direction which prevented them from flying. This happened to be the right direction for two green dragons (very vain) who were hunters hired by Sirius, the golden dragon, king of Montiverdi, a small nation beside Aliandra. They were major imbeciles who hunted for elves, and one day, they got cocky... let's feed Sirius fried felid! Thus, on their hunting trip, they saw Fernando and Andrea, two healthy, beautiful cats, and decided to attack without sniffing them first. Andrea managed to escape, but Fernando was caught. He miraculously survived due to the smarter dragon realising that they should get him to a hospital.

The Evil In The East

Fernando had to recover from his dracophobia and his injuries before he could meet Sirius. The king of Montiverdi knew about an evil dragon to the far east that had evil plans. Sirius claimed that he needed Fernando, and his new girlfriend, Maria, to help him on his quest. The two agreed, and thus, they set off on their quest. There were several interruptions along the way, including a diplomatic crisis caused by an Aliandran general ordering a napalm bombardment of Karlsburg. The offending general was "deleted", and the quest resumed. The quest ended after nine months. The ending: a bloody assault on the evil dragon's castle which led to the deaths of 1,606,060 people.

Skills

Military

Tactics

Fernando has a lot of experience with tactics due to the fact that he is the king, and therefore, must have the ability to command the military. He started out at a young age, playing chess with his siblings. He also studied tactics in school to improve his skills. He, though, is not the best tactician in the country; the better ones are dedicated generals. Fernando does not have a rich history of tactics, due to the fact that his favourite tactic is "Just Destroy Them". People often consider him an "adept" commander, but several times, he's made screw-ups, none of which would put a World War 1 British general to shame, though.

Fighter Pilot

Fernando is an extremely experienced fighter pilot. He started out (as stated earlier in the article) at the age of 9, and quickly improved. He spent a lot of time training at an airbase in the remote north of Aliandra. He flies Arrow SgZ32a with his current wife, Maria, the queen and deputy PM. The duo first saw action together at Passa Ferra, where they eliminated upwards of 150 enemies, and caused massive damage to enemy defenses, in fact breaching the wall. Since then, Fernando has piloted 5 different planes, but he favours his Arrow due to the fact that he can just pwn enemies without worrying about getting hit.