Fedor Emelianenko
For those that know who Fedor is, he needs no introduction. For those who do not, please read on. Actually, even if you know who Fedor is, read on. Just keep reading either way, okay? This is the story of Fedor. The greatest man to ever live, except for that guy this website always mentions. Oh, and if you've been wondering, no, this guy isn't Chuck Norris.
Birth[edit]
Production of Fedor was started during World War II by the Crazy Russians in a remote, underground laboratory just outside of Moscow. Their plan was to create an army of "Fedors" in anticipation of the upcoming Cold War with the United States. Using DNA extracted from Fedor's predecessor, Ivan, the Crazy Russians worked endlessly to create the ultimate, emotionless, killing machine that would make the A-Bomb seem like a piñata filled with teddy bears. Scientists worked on the formula for over 30 years before finally performing a test run. On Christmas Day of 1975, the Crazy Russian Mafia quietly kidnapped and impregnated Jane Fonda with the Fedor test sperm. Nine months later on September 28, 1976, Fedor Drago was born in a small Ethiopian village. Jane Fonda was immediately executed and Fedor was taken back to Moscow to study the most ancient and deadliest forms of combat. However, things would not go as the Crazy Russians had planned.
Childhood[edit]
Fedor was a quick learner of both Combat-sambo and Systema, having mastered both by the age of four. This pleased the Crazy Russians but by the time Fedor was old enough to read, it became apparent that he was not the cold, calculating, killing machine that they had envisioned. Fedor refused to do the usual kitten killing exercises that were forced upon him, and would instead spend his free time drawing cute little animals in traditional Crazy Russian style. Later, it would be discovered that during insemination, a careless scientist forgot to remove his peanut butter and fluff sandwich from the testing area. The marshmallow-like substance had contaminated the Fedor formula, which explains Fedor's mushy personality and also his doughy appearance. The Crazy Russians, mortified at the young boy's lack of killer instinct, beheaded all living scientists who had worked on the project and sent the six year old Fedor out on the streets to fend for himself.
Fedor spent the better part of a year surviving by traveling from town to town, stealing food, and sneaking into barns or underneath porches for shelter. However, with the mid-winter snow beginning to sneak up on him, he could no longer take care of himself as the malnutrition and bitter cold had made him weak. Fedor collapsed from exhaustion outside a small Ukrainian village in the middle of a blizzard. When the blizzard subsided, a young Ukrainian couple walked by on their way to the market and found Fedor half-dead in the snow. Although they were realistically too poor to afford another child, they took pity on the young boy and decided to raise him as their own, giving him their last name of Emelianenko. Fedor would remain forever grateful to his adopted family.
His school years were mostly uneventful in comparison to the rest of the story, so we'll jump ahead to the year 1992, when Fedor's life would change once again.
Young Adulthood[edit]
The Crazy Russians had not completely forgotten about Fedor, but had convinced themselves that no six year old boy would survive the harsh streets by himself. That was until 1992, when the Crazy Russian Mafia kitten huffing ring was single-handedly brought down by a nameless young man described only as "The Iron Marshmallow." Knowing exactly who he was, the Crazy Russian government set up a plan to get rid of Fedor once and for all. Using secret globalist entities, the Crazy Russian government created an elaborate plot that would frame Fedor for the 1993 World Trade Center bombings in New York City. The plan worked. Soon, the CIA was banging on the door of the Emelianenko home. Fedor was not there, however, as he was out reading to the elderly. The CIA took Fedor's younger adopted brother, Aleksander, in Fedor's place. When Fedor came back and learned what had happened, he was devastated. Fedor left the Emelianenko home at the age of seventeen and did not return for years. Aleks was sent to Guantanamo Bay.
Fedor made his way out of Russia and into Croatia, performing in underground combat fighting tournaments and selling his artwork to make a small, but comfortable, living. Soon, he was given the opportunity to become the underground World Champion. His opponent was a devastating striker by the name of Mirko "CroCop" Filipovic. They fought for twenty-seven straight hours before Fedor was finally too much for Mirko. Mirko tapped out due to a mixture of internal bleeding, six broken ribs, four broken bones in his face, a punctured lung, and exhaustion. Fedor was the new underground champion. What Fedor did not know was that if the champion was defeated, he was imprisoned for life. After the fight, Mirko was taken to his prison cell and beaten by the spectators, as was the custom. Fedor took exception to this as he respected Mirko as a fellow fighter and helped Mirko escape the prison.
They soon learned that they were kindred spirits, as Mirko had also been an abandoned government experiment. Rather than making an army of CroCops, the Croatian government had planned to train and use Mirko as an assassin, figuring that nobody would suspect little ol’ Croatia of making a run to become a global superpower by secretly assassinating various international leaders. But like Fedor, Mirko was not emotionally equipped for the task, as he had a light sense of humor and preferred to protect the innocent. Fedor and Mirko soon realized they would need to get as far away from both governments as possible if they were to live. Together, they left the continent and traveled to Brazil.
In Brazil, Fedor and Mirko again made their living by fighting. During a promotional event put on by the Brazilian Top Team, they met up with two twins who excelled in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (aka BJJ) by the names of Antonio Rodrigo and Antonio Rogerio Nogueira. From the twins, Fedor and Mirko learned that they were "n00bs" because they did not refer to fighting as its proper term "Mixed Martial Arts" or "MMA" and were also mercilessly teased as "UFC Nuthuggers" when they confused the identical twins. They also learned how to defend against BJJ, which was greatly appreciated as both of them had lost every fight since entering Brazil due to triangle choke. Fedor, Mirko, and the Nogueiras spent the next several months the only way four single men in their early twenties know how - Brazilian whores, liquor, enough weed to choke a horse, and fighting. But Fedor and Mirko soon began to feel homesick. The four parted ways in 1997. Mirko went back to Croatia; Fedor back to Russia. The Nogueira twins naturally stayed with the Brazilian whores.
PRIDE[edit]
Fedor returned to his family’s house to relax and catch up with his family before his next journey. He told them tales of underground fighting, the friends he met, and the new techniques he had learned on the way. But soon he felt it was time for him to avenge his brother, Aleks. Although Mrs. Emelianenko begged him not to go, Fedor convinced her that it was his fate to rescue his brother and that he would not have peace of mind until it was done. Begrudgingly, she said good-bye once more. However, the Crazy Russian government was monitoring Fedor’s every move since he came back to Russia. A day after he left to free his brother, the Crazy Russian government invaded the Emelianenko household and kept the family hostage. As luck would have it, Mirko had been chased out of Croatia and having nowhere else to go, tracked down the Emelianenko home only two days after the family had been taken hostage (apparently it’s not a very hard place to find). Mirko, being the protector of the innocent that he is, began taking names, dodging bullets, and throwing left high kicks all over the Crazy Russian soldiers. He defeated all twelve of the highly trained Crazy Russians in nine minutes. The soldiers left the house with their “tails between their legs.” Mirko felt it was necessary to stay with the Emelianenkos to make sure the Crazy Russians did not return. Plus, as stated earlier, he had nowhere else to go.
Meanwhile, Fedor was finding it quite difficult to break into Guantanamo Bay. He did not know how to go about it without tipping off the CIA to his presence. After sneaking into the United States and talking with some of the locals, he soon learned the secret to distracting the CIA agents surrounding the facility. Fedor returned to Cuba with a large projector, a giant white sheet, a DVD player, several bags of Doritos, and a copy of Animal House. He set up the projector just outside of Gitmo, put on the movie, laid out the Doritos neatly in a bunch of party-sized bowls, and waited patiently. About twenty minutes later, Fedor walked right in the front door of the prison unnoticed and began scouring the place for his brother. He soon found Aleks chained to the wall in a small cell down the narrowest hallway. Fedor punched right through the bars of the cell, and ripped the chains apart to free Aleks. The Emelianenko brothers were re-united at last, however the movie ended right as they were about to exit the prison. They were surrounded by nearly one hundred fully armed CIA agents pumped up on Frat-Boy rage. The brothers were sure they were doomed, but began the valiant fight anyways. They punched and kicked and arm-barred everyone in sight, but soon found themselves overmatched. When all hope seemed lost, they heard two familiar voices scream out “WAR FEDOR AND ALEKS!” The Nogueira brothers then parachuted down from their small plane piloted by another member of the Brazilian Top Team, Ricardo Arona, with an assortment of machine guns and machetes because they were smart enough to realize that defeating dozens of fully armed CIA would take more than good conditioning and advanced Sambo knowledge. The four of them unloaded on the CIA Agents before Arona landed the plane and took them to safety.
The five MMA fighters returned to the Emelianenko home. Mrs. Emelianenko cried tears of joy, for she had not seen her son Aleks in almost seven years. Fedor then informed his family of his plans to continue in his MMA career. By this time, there was a new promotion that had popped up in Japan called PRIDE Fighting Championships. Since Fedor, Aleks, Arona, and the Nogueira twins had just taken out about ninety CIA agents with illegal weapons, they decided it would be better to join that promotion rather than its American counterpart, the UFC.
Fedor VS Chuck Norris[edit]
After PRIDE was closed, and there was no other choice, Fedor went through a very nervous period of his life. One day, while at the beach, manually changing the tide, he accidentally soaked Chuck Norris' toe. This made him extremely angry. The fight was on. Fedor's skills were incredible, but Chuck Norris was no weaker. After 54 armbars, 32 Kimuras, 15 Rear-naked Chokes and so many punches and kicks you could count every time IP jerked off and it would still be less, after 250,000 tourists were killed, slaughtered and massacred (accidentally), the fight was stopped by Superman. Fedor has since trained even more, while Chuck Norris is said to have been so astounded by Fedor that he has decided to produce a Christian drama film, Birdie & Bogey . Since the fight ended with a No Contest, a rematch has been scheduled, to happen on December 21 2012. Both are now training hard for that event.
UPDATE: The rematch has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict with the Mayan Promoters. Word on the street is that the new date will be 12-21-2021 and that the referee will be GOD, with Jesus, Moses, and Joe Rogan as judges. The preliminary location is Syria, which should be pretty much already destroyed by then, limiting the collateral damage.
Epilogue[edit]
Rodrigo Nogueira was the first to debut in PRIDE, defeating everyone in a free-for-all via seven consecutive arm-bars, eight triangles, a knockout, a tap-out, one no show, and then three more arm-bars to become the Heavyweight Champion. Mirko soon followed after fighting a couple kick-boxing matches and going back to Croatia to get his own revenge on the Croatian government. Rogerio Nogueira made his debut on the same night as Mirko. Fedor soon followed the year after, eventually defeating his old friend Nogueira to take the Heavyweight Belt. He hasn’t let go of it since.
Don't bother asking any of these men to talk about what happened between them. Don't bother asking their true origins. Born in the Ukraine, my ass. But they'll never say a word. Not even to each other.
And in case anyone was wondering, the reason Fedor doesn’t smile a lot is because his smile makes his fans to have intense orgasms on sight. It gets very messy.
Persistent attempts by the UFC to contract Fedor to fight have failed in very mysterious ways. Various reports claim Fedor refused large money offers from the UFC with freedoms to participate in sambo tournaments. Many have come to the conclusion that Fedor Emelianenko is afraid to have his ass kicked in America (where there are really good fighters, not the clowns he fought back in Japan), what was confirmed later on. Fedor is also a massive Supporter of National Kinloch Day. Its widely known he was a big fan and the cause of gene side in Africa.
Retirement[edit]
In 2012 both Fedor and his younger brother Aleksander Emelianenko announced that they would retire from active combat in MMA, neither having been part of the UFC. Nuthuggers continue to this day to spew nonsence about how they would trounce this or that fighter, most of whom are in retirement settlements teaching Chuck Liddell how to speak English again. The sad truth is both Emelianenko brothers are now working as postal workers in Miami Florida after sending 1943 resumes to the Fight Network without success. Nuthuggers believe they were cockblocked by Bas Rutten.
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This article was mentioned in USA Today, further diminishing what little credibility the media had left. |