That '70s Show

Mom was sure hot! Just look at all those juicy daughters too!

“In Soviet Russia, '70s watch YOU!”

~ Russian Reversal on That '70s Show

You know that show? That tv show? I think it aired during the 1970s. You know? That one, with the kids? And they were all, like, friends and stuff, and there was this one, this really popular one, and everybody loved him? Do you remember? They all had really stupid hair (of course, no one thought so at the time, but in retrospect) and everyone was really happy all the time, except for that one time when the nerdy one got beaten up by the football team and didn't show up in the diner for like a week and everyone got really worried? Man, that show really tackled the issues. Wow, those were the days. Now it's all "suicide" this and "drug-problem" that. I tell you, what problem can't be solved by a hearty cheeseburger and maltshake with your pals?

Things I Vaguely Remember About It

You still don't know what I'm talking about? Wait. Looking at that girl walking that dog reminds me of some other stuff about it.

• I think there was a really hot mom that all the guys used to hang around. I think she was blonde. Or, she might have been brunette. Whatever. She was really hot. She had a daughter, a really tall, really hot redhead with a deep throaty voice, she hung out with the little wormy guy who grew up next door to her. They started dating, he tried to get into her panties right off the bat a few times because she was a virgin and her innocence about her body turned him on big time because he always thought virgin women were sexier than non-virgin women, but she had a really good left hook so it always failed and she laughed it off. The real reason she remained a virgin in the early phase of their relationship was because she was a lesbian and had the hots for the little dark haired cheerleader girl, but she was too conservative to admit it and was afraid that if she did admit, she would lose the little dark haired cheerleader girl forever, and so she finally slept with the wormy guy hoping it would make her straight (but it didn't work). And there were all these hilarious misunderstandings, but I can't remember what they were about. Probably about kitties or something. I don't know.

I think they all used to say good-night to each other a lot. That bottom long-haired one look good-nightable.

• Hang on. Yeah, that's right, there was this one kid, the brainy one, and none of the girls liked him because he was a total smart-ass and wore glasses and whatever. But then at the end, yeah, I remember now, he hooked up with the hot cheerleader who he'd been in love with for years, and everyone was really shocked because she was so hot and so, like, shallow, but love triumphed over all, you know? Man, what a message. Oh yeah, but that all changed when he married some stripper from Vegas. That was a fun show.

• Oh, that was it; they used to all hang out in this diner. I think there was a sarcophagus in the corner. No, wait, it was a jukebox. It had all these great tunes, and they were always spookily appropriate for the situation, whether the kids had intended it or not. Great stuff. And one of them worked there, and always gave them, like, extra fries or a free maltshake or some shit, and never got fired even though they did this like every day and the boss was a total tightwad. Man, everyone hated that guy. He was really fat and greasy and always lurked creepily around the pretty girls. What a buzzkill that guy was, oh man.

• Ah, now I recall ... they all had the same postal code. 31415. No wait, 90210 perhaps? Hello? HELLO? Stop breathing into the phone dammit... oh well... anyway, they were all living close to each other and sorta had the same area code so they were all like bouncing around in the street, doing the same old things they did last week.

That Guy, You Know? The One Everybody Loved

So there was That Guy, you know? And we all wanted to be him. He wore, like, jackets and shit. Leather jackets. Or, they might have been denim. I don't recall. He always had perfect hair. Really slick, just how the girls like it. And he strutted around, all cocky, and everyone loved him, even though he was kind of an ass and totally freeloaded off of all of his friends. He had, like, all the girls after him but he never dated any of 'em until that new girl came to town, that biker chick, and they were totally made for each other and he finally settled down. Some people thought he was, like, a homosexual or some mad shit like that, but he showed them at the end when he got what's-her-name pregnant and they had a Vegas Wedding and everyone was secretly kind of shocked. Whoa, that show really broke some boundaries.

See also

• That 1870's Show