Death Cab for Cutie

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Death Cab for Cutie
Biographical information
Physical description
Chronological and political information

Death Cab for Cutie was the unfortunate creation of Seth Cohen from the OC. They apparently make music, although everyone knows that music died when Miss American Pie left (though the Jesters motives are unclear). Ben Gibbon is a type of monkey most know for irrationally recording accidental finds on tapes, which some people find interesting. The most obvious is the recording of I Will Follow You Into The Dark, their best song since some vampire lovers killed the drummer, DJ, sax player, flute player and bass guitarist, leaving one band member and a guitar. It was later revealed that the breathing heard in the song was due to the Loch Ness Monster being present. Apart from that guy from the OC and some ape-man, not much is known about the other members of the band, or how many exist, simple because nobody gives a shit.

Formation and early years[edit]

Death Cab for Cutie was formed when a taxi driver decided to end his life whilst a passenger (Seth Cohen), was in the back. To further complicate the suicide, the driver locked the doors and revealed he was gay, sending Seth into a degree of panic and causing emotional breakdowns. To comfort his victim, the cabbie complimented Seth, calling him a 'cutie' when he was on the OC. The motive of the driver was apparently because he did not agree with Oscar Wilde's conclusion that the answer to life, the universe and everything was 41.

In a statement made by Seth, he says that he remembers the driver stating he feels 'there is one more thing out there'. Oscar Wilde was later proven wrong by the supercomputer, and charged with murder by misinterpretation of a book, mixed with the charges of drunken whilst talking to his taxi driver. Once the taxi had gone over the edge of the bridge into the water, Seth used his gills to swill to safety, giving superman a break because Seth did it himself and didn't wait to be saved. In memory of the Driver who almost killed Seth, he named a band Death Cab for Cutie, and set about finding members for it. Their first album 'Nobody' debuted with no songs, band members or instruments. Thankfully, Seth's mother bought the only copy, prompting the band into fame. Many band members joined Death Cab for Cutie, but no-one has head of them. To settle this, they made infinite amounts of crap songs, making the name Death Cab for Cutie well known, though nobody in their right mind would listen to their music.

Claim to fame[edit]

One of their songs was featured in the hit hentai TV series Scrubs, thus propelling them into a belief they were famous. This arrogance, and a persuasive mother, led the band's new song I Will follow you Into the dark to be included into the final scene, where a nice man dies after sex. One should note that their claim to fame period lasted less than 30 minutes, as confused hentai fans attempted to remember the song name amid explosions of money shots.

Twilight (The demise of Death Cab for Cutie)[edit]

With another slasher vampire teen romance film coming out, Death Cab for Cutie announced that they had created another shit song, and decided to take this out on fans. The reply was a flurry of angry hate mail. This hate mail led all 26 remaining band members to bundle into a taxi and commit suicide, simultaneously gaining the Guinness world record for the most people in a car at one time. However, by freak chance Seth Cohen survived yet again, and needed the assistance of a police officer and his gun to finally end his life. Their deaths are often noted as the most irrelevant mass suicide of all time, just after the mass suicide of the Jews in the 1940's.


The whole of Death Cab For Cutie, including the original 53 people of the wind department of the band, have recently been replaced by identical imposters. This group regularly tour the world, and often get killed in freak taxi-suicides.

My Capgras Syndrome

It should be noted that I, the author of this article, has Capgras syndrome and the Imposters section may possibly be a direct result from this. Capgras syndrome is a serious disease, often supported by Help for Heroes and WWF.

See also[edit]