Darius III of Persia
| Darius III | |
|---|---|
| King of Persia | |
 Darius III often wore weird hats. | |
| Reign | A couple years |
| Predecessor | Some guy named "Arses" |
| Successor | The asshole that killed him |
Darius III of Persia (Persian: داریوش Dāriūš, pronounced [dɔːriˈuːʃ]) is usually thought of as a rather interesting guy, mainly because he was the king of Persia for a little while. Unfortunately for him, Alexander the Great ruled Macedonia at around the same time and wanted some additional "living space" for his people.
Early life and accession[edit]
When Arse-a-mess[1] and Sissy-gambits[1] decided to have a baby, they never would have guessed that their son would come to rule over an empire that stretched from the Nile to the Indus river. It happened nonetheless, though. As it turns out, Darius's parents actually named him "Artashata". Artashata took on the name "Codomannus" pretty soon after he was born, stating it had "a much better ring to it." When he became the king of Persia, Codomannus decided to adopt "Darius III" as his throne name for some reason.
After some guy named Bag-o'-ass[1] had killed off most of the royal family, Darius ascended to the throne. Bag-o'-ass thought he could control Darius but was proven wrong when the latter thanked him for bringing him to power and forced Bag-o'-ass to drink his own poison.
Conflict with Alexander[edit]
Basically, Alexander completely pwned the Persian army, on multiple occasions, even when the odds greatly favoured Darius's forces. To put things lightly, Darius thoroughly sucked at warfare.
Flight, imprisonment and death[edit]
In his incapability to beat Alexander, Darius fled the battlefield. When the Persian forces got tired of retreating, some guy named Bessus took control. When Alexander arrived, Bessus and the other conspirators decided killing Darius would be a good idea, so that's what they did.
Alexander was disappointed at the sight of Darius's dead body, because he would have preferred to keep the father of his future bride alive a little while longer. Yup, he married Darius's daughter a couple years later.