Dáil Éireann

“A pack of unbelievably, indescribably, overwhelmingly, supremely ignorant, halfwitted, cretinous, moronic, dimwitted, imbecilic, shockingly-cerebrally-challenged, stunningly-mentally-limited, monumentally-idiotic, knuckle-dragging, slack-jawed, drool-soaked, intellectually-inept dipshits.”

~ A Child's Introduction to Civics on Politicians

The Leinster House Family Recreation Centre

Dail Eireann (pronounced Dóil Éireann by RTÉ) is a colloquial name used by Dubliners to refer to a bowling alley.

Origins

Ten pin bowling was invented in Ireland by Michael Collins and Eamon De Valera, following a long night drinking turf whiskey. The two gentlemen spent the night hurling fruit at passers by, each other and various other targets. Following a successful strike on a box of radishes with a pumpkin, the men were seized with a vision. They made their way to Fitzwilliam square, and there began rolling pumpkins along the ground at various targets.

Nobody is entirely sure what happened at this point. Certainly, several passersby became involved in the proceedings, but by this stage everyone who was present was completely ripped-to-the-tits I mean absolutely paralytically out of their minds with the drink and the exact details of the founding of Dail Eireann have been lost to history. Rumours abound but sure don't they always.

What can be established is that in the following weeks the surrounding area was overcome with a plethora of activity. Large objects described various trajectories along the ground, structures were assembled, targeted, successfully demolished for a perfect score, remonstrated over, rebuilt, redemolished, fought over once more, half rebuilt and subsequently abandoned.

Structure

Bicameral parliamentary systems are a type of competitive sport in which a player rolls universal suffrage down a wooden lane with the objective of scoring points by knocking down as many pins as possible. Proportional Representation has a unique counting system that is notoriously confusing to newcomers who attempt to score an election with multiple "marks" (strikes and spares).

Leinster House is bordered along its length by "gutters" - semicircular channels designed to collect errant votes. There is a "foul line" at the end of the lane nearest to the electorate. If any part of a single transferable vote touches the lane side of this line after the vote is cast, it is called a "foul" and no pins knocked over during that election are scored. 60 feet from the foul line, where the lane terminates, it is joined to a roughly 24 foot wide surface of durable and impact-resistant material called the Seanad, where various panels sit.

Powers

Being an office of executive abilities, Dail Eireann is the premier constitutional mechanism through which various stately activities are executed. Members of Dail Eireann are required to discuss various important issues before committing the institution to a course of action, but in practice, nobody ever turns up. As a result its duties are largely ceremonial. This does not mean, however, that its duties are merely ceremonial. Rather, Dail Eireann is the premier constitutional mechanism through which various stately activities are executed.

Among the powers the institution holds are:

• The power to make liquids boil through thought alone
• The power to edit the scores on the computer thing
• The power to formally declare war on other sovereign nations
• The power to unjam the ball-returning mechanism
• Telepathy
• The power to host foreign ambassadors
• The power to levy taxes
• The power to make everyone have to hop for the next five minutes

Activities

Generally sordid.

Membership

T-Shox crew in da lower house.

Seats in the Dail are divided up in a seemingly arbitrary and wholly unfair manner, known to its apologists as democracy. In general, the machinations of the grossly incompetent, semi-literate shower of fucktards who comprise the government of Ireland are divided along party lines. The political parties in the Republic of Ireland are as follows:

• Fianna Fail
• The Dutch
• The Queen
• Fine Gael
• Carrots
• Sinn Fein
• Bandy-legged farmers
• Labour
• This Bloke We Met This One Time
• Various Independants
• Green Party
• The Fenit Boilermakers Union

In addition, the Irish political spectrum includes over 140 finely distinguished varieties of dated Republicanism.