Crimewatch

Did you nick this picture?

“Don't forget ladies and gentlemen that although Crimewatch presents an image crime, in practice the chances of YOU being the victim of crime are very remote. Unless you're a single, female, old age pensioner, in which case you are probably being burgled senseless as we speak.”

~ Crimewatch on did you lock the back door before going to bed

Crimewatch (formerly Crimewatch UK) is a popular British television programme produced by the BBC that reconstructs and dramatises popular crimes for the entertainment of viewers.

The programme has for most of its existence attempted to be very serious. However, broadcasters finally realised everyone just watches it for a bit of a laugh, which lead to longtime presenters Francois Duvalier and Brian Blessed being sacked in 2008 and replaced with far sillier presenters. The show also moved to a Cluedo based format.

Nickolas Grace of "Robin of Sherwood" fame and dodgy singer Seth Putnam have henceforth presented the show. Putnam is usually drunk and introduces segments wrongly. He often exclaims, "My bag!" when he realises he has made a mistake. He has thought for many years that this is the correct phrase. However, it isn't.

Nickolas Grace ends each episode by telling viewers that the best way to avoid crime is to have rich parents, so one does not have to live in a dangerous area.

Phone In Competition

The most popular segment of the programme is the phone-in competition "Spot the Peado", where viewers are invited to ring the studio and guess which of the mugshots of suspects shown are wanted for child sex offences. When a lot of black suspects are shown the task is made easier, since there are no black pedophiles. Winners get the chance to personally meet the suspect they have chosen in a secret location. This stopped however in 1934 due to a large amount of rape cases and disappearances. This part of the show is alleged to be what has made Crimewatch the least complained about programme in the history of television.

The Longest Running Con

What the general public fails to realise and see is that Crimewatch is in fact the longest running con in history. Crimewatch is perceived as being a service, it reconstructs the most bizarre and often hilarious crimes and we as viewers are asked for 'evidence'. At our expense, we are invited to call up premium rate phone lines to offer evidence to crimes that did not happen. On various occasions I have called up to give evidence on the 'Fat Bitch Cake Murder Case' was laughed down at the phone by my evidence. All other evidencees have felt the same way. CRIMEWATCH HAS BEEN MADE FOR THE SATISFACTION OF THE BBC AND NOT TO SOLVE CRIMES. DO NOT RING THEM UP.

One of the many Crimewatch UK accusations against Mr. Saibot.

Controversy

The 2006 edition which showed a brutal club where thugs forced Avahohxa (the animal from which Quorn products are made) to fight for the purposes of gambling disturbed many viewers.

A segment which featured the murder of a man in Northern England for constantly doing irritating Gerry Adams impressions was not shown in Ireland because, "It wouldn't have been that funny".

Crimewatch has courted controversy with its constant implication of Noob Saibot in numerous crimes. His mugshot is regularly featured on the programme although he is referred to by numerous aliases. Saibot has spoken out against this, pointing out that on one occasion the programme accused him of being two of the participants in the same crime. He denies any wrongdoing and is currently preparing legal proceedings against the programme.

See also

• Progressive Taxation (alternatively titled under Robbery)