Compensation Claim
Have you been injured at work or out in the big wide and oh-so scary world? Was it completely your fault? Are you a loser/moron who still lives with your parents wasting your time reading Uncyclopedia all day? If your answer to any of these was yes then call the I Don't Deserve the Big Fat Payout (IDDBFP) Helpline today!
First of All[edit]
First of all: ha ha ha ha ha, what happened? Did you slip on a perfectly dry floor? Moron! Did you lose that arm in a car crash? Fucking blind idiot! Was it that mechanic who 'forget' to fix your breaks, causing you to hit that tree which must have looked very bad given how drunk you were? Having such good fortune all my life all I can do is rofl at your misfortunes; but still, no matter what the circumstances are, no matter how much petrol you poured on that bonfire, no matter how many rocks you threw at that wasp's nest it's your stupid fuck ups that make me rich, so come one come all let's parade your hilariously stupid injuries for all the courts to see.
FAQ[edit]
Who is Eligible for Compensation?[edit]
Everyone! And we mean everyone! If you have suffered any injury from laceration by fork-lift truck to a slight tap on the wrist by a colleague, we can help you. We have specialised make-up artists on call to make your injuries look up to ten times worse! (IDDBFP accepts no responsibility for actual injuries inflicted on you during the injury faking process. Remember you cannot sue us, we're a legal firm!)
How Do I Get Compensation?[edit]
It's unnecessarily complicated! First you give us a call. You will be greeted by a friendly(ish) robot. After working your way through our long and incomprehensible option selection system you may or may not be connected to a real person depending on whether we're still at work (opening times vary) and if we can actually be bothered to answer the phone. We get paid anyway! Chances of being connected in your first call are less than 10%, but keep trying! Calls cost £2 per minute regardless of whether you are connected or not, mobile rates are through the roof.
When we have assessed your eligibility for compensation and decided to continue with your claim, we will hand your case over to one of our skilled lawyer monkeys who will present your case to (and bribe) the judge. When your claim is successful you will receive your compensation!
How Much Will I Receive?[edit]
You will receive your full amount of compensation (minus our legal fees and bribes). The value of your compensation will depend on the seriousness of your injury, how wealthy the person you're suing the pants off of is and how much we decide we will take for our fees. Fees vary from 96% to 99.99% of your compensation. You will be responsible for all bribes handed out in the duration of your claim, whether or not your winnings cover these. Claim today!
| Type of Claim | Total Compensation | How Much you Receive |
|---|---|---|
| Workmate taps you on the shoulder | £5,000 | £0.01 |
| Slipped on wet floor despite wet floor signs | £10,000 | £1.20 |
| Kicked supervisor in the shin and received a punch in the nose | £15,000 | £5 |
| Slapped by female coworker after commenting on size of her rack | £15,000 | £7.50 (less if female judge resides due to higher bribes) |
| Walked the wrong way into revolving door | £20,000 | £10 |
| "Accidentally" swallowed compact disc | £25,000 | £12.50 |
| Stuck your finger in mains socket to see what would happen | Unlimited | Hopefully you'll be dead and we'll keep it |
Is this Legal? Is it Moral?[edit]
The right to claim compensation was set down in the Nobody Cares act of whenever those fat cats in parliament set it down, meaning that you have the right to rip off the little man in order to secure your own well being. Claim today!
Is it moral to run somebody else into the gutter for your own financial benefit? Is it moral to openly lie in court, making your condition out to be worse than it really is? Is it moral to try and grab as much money as you can, regardless of the consequences of your actions? Who cares? We most definitely do not!
Where do My Winnings Come From?[edit]
When first filing your claim we will advise you who to make bankrupt a claim against. Obviously the wealthier the person you're claiming from, the more money you can squeeze out of them. It is for this reason that you should always try to be injured due to the negligence of some big company with tons of cash. We appreciate this is not always possible, and so we will always attempt to bend the truth in your favour. On the other hand nothing beats that nice warm feeling you get when you know that the guy you're suing into the ground may never be able to feed his wife and three kids again.
How Long Does the Claim Take? Is There a Lot of Paperwork?[edit]
The average claim takes years. Years and years. Years and years and years. And the longer it takes, the more we get paid. So everyone's happy, right?
There is a lot of paperwork, yes. Please complete all 36 forms (PINHGD 78 through GHTF 42) in block capitals using blood. Preferably someone else's. Failing this black ball point pen will suffice, it just doesn't have the finesse you'd expect when signing over your soul filling out paperwork. If in doubt refer to booklets KMNTY 56 and BERT 89, each consisting of 450 pages. Indexes for these booklets can be found in the basement of your local branch, in the unlit corner on the other side of the lion cage. Lion taming kit can be found at the bottom of the tarantula tank.
Terms and Conditions[edit]
1.a IDDBFP, we and us as used in the above article may or may not refer to the I Don't Deserve the Big Fat Payout insurance claim company depending on who wants to know. 1.b The reader of the above article agrees to neglect to report any of IDDBFP's actions to the police, whether they be legal or not, after reading this word. 1.c All claim applicants must be between the ages of 21 and 22, exactly 5'5" tall and walk into our offices on their hands. Failure to meet these requirements will result in all available lawyer monkeys attempting to treat you as a banana. Trust us you don't want that. It's almost as bad as death by Grue. 1.d IDDBFP does not guarantee receipt of compensation, and whatever happens you will probably end up owing us money. We didn't get to be a global company by playing it fair did we? 1.e IDDBFP are not responsible for injuries suffered during the claiming procedure, real or fake. 1.f These terms and conditions are valid until 30/02/2012, unless it is in our interests to change them, in which case we will without notice and/or mercy. There may or may not be other conditions, we haven't decided yet.
Useful Information[edit]
Our mortal enemy: The Witless Protection Program