Character shield

The SMC, like this penguin, is invisible.

A character shield is a device used in television shows and motion pictures to keep the main character alive until the end of the show, allowing the writers to slack off most of the time and not have to write an ending that hangs together.

History

While the true origins of the SMC are unknown, it is believed to have come from South America, where it allowed Montezuma to get his revenge. The earliest recorded use, however, was in Ancient Rome. Julius Caesar wore it the day he was assassinated, which, historians agree, explains why he took a while to die. On a side note, Caesar's well known quote "et tu Brutus" is incorrect, having been translated poorly by Florida poll-workers. Caesar actually said "Eighty-Two Brutus", in mockery of the ridiculous amount of stab wounds required to take him down. After being lost, found, lost twice, found, lost, lost, found, and found again, the SMC was used by George Washington in the American Revolutionary War. While, again, the method of acquisition of the Shield is unclear, Washington claimed he won it in a bar bet in which he proved that he could survive extensive blood loss. After Washington's untimely death, the SMC was bought and sold multiple times in the nation's first timeshare pitch. Then it was lost again.

Notable Uses

• The use of the SMC in television was first made popular by Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise. His use of the shield allowed him to seduce more women than anyone in the history of space exploration, and, when he found out about it, made Captain Jean-Luc Picard that much more pissed off.
• Doctor Meredith Rodney Ingram McKay once used the SMC in an episode called (gotta find that name) of a television show based on his life. In this case in question, McKay is shot in the heart and knocked to the ground. However, a short while later, he was well again, all thanks to the SMC.
• In the movie "Unleashed", the main character, whose name may be Tommy, was required, in an eerily similar familiar bar bet, to prove that the SMC really worked as described. Tommy, or was it Jamie, proceeded to have his car totaled by a huge dumper truck and shot at by five mobsters with Tommy (Larry?) guns. He promptly crawled out and collected his winnings, whatever scraps of platinum he could get from the totalled auto. The results of the test came into question later, and ever the carnage enthusiast, Morgan agreed to put the SMC to the test one more time. He acquired a new range rover, sped it up to 60 mph, then flipped it and rode, unharmed of course, down the street. Once again, there was platinum in his future.
• Somehow, Bruce Willis's character in Unbreakable acquired a character shield so strong that it sapped up all of Samuel L. Jackson's character shield so much that he shouldn't go outside or down stairs in fear of breaking his bones. This is a phenomenon referred to as Imploded Character Shield, making the invincible incredibly brittle. Samuel L. Jackson once again acquired the shield for the majority of the Star Wars prequels.