Chain mail
“If you don't put this quote on every Uncyclopedia page you will have bad luck in relationships for the next 666 years”
“Oh crap! I'd better get posting!”
“post on 5 pages and you will be lucky for the day! post on 10 for a weeks worth post on all and you will get a year. if you dont your mother will die in an accedendt!!!!”
Chain Mail is any mail that asks you to send it to other people, including the instructions to send it along to other people. Chain mail is one of the earliest methods of communication. In fact, it was used as protective armour in the early 13th century. It is important that when you get a chain mail, you send it along ASAP. Today, chain mail is sent by email and traditional mail. The people who write chain mails have special powers, and they will curse you with bad luck if you break the chain.
Due to its importance to communication and to society as a whole, chain mail makes up over 60% of all mail ever sent. There have been estimated at least 62,000 deaths due to people breaking the chain. Chain mail is very popular among 10-13 year olds who are convinced that forwarding an email will make them get rich or laid. (or even a free hug)
Contrary to popular belief, people actually appreciate receiving chain mail, because it gives them a sense of importance. If you do not get any chain mail, it is probably because you don't have any friends.
When dealing with chain-mail type emails, it is important to remember: everything you read on the internet is true.
Uses[edit]
Chain mail has many uses in modern culture. The most popular of which is chain mail armor. This specially designed armor is usually crafted by skilled mages and can take up to a week to finnish making. Chain mail armor has the unique quality of protecting the user through sheer force of annoyance. On the outside, the armor appears to just be soiled newspaper rolled up to form hastilly crafted arms and torso, but in actuality, it's crinkled magazine paper soaked in urine.
Examples[edit]
Bill Gates[edit]
In 2000, Bill Gates used a chain mail to get beta testers and to spread his wealth. The following is the email he used:
Hello Everyone, And thank you for signing up for my Beta Email Tracking Application or (BETA) for short. My name is Bill Gates. Here at Microsoft we have just compiled an e-mail tracing program that tracks everyone to whom this message is forwarded to. It does this through an unique IP (Internet Protocol) address log book database. We are experimenting with this and need your help. Forward this to everyone you know and if it reaches 1000 people everyone on the list you will receive $1000 and a copy of Microsoft Windows at my expense. Enjoy. Note: Duplicate entries will not be counted. You will be notified by email
As with anything, this email produced skeptics - people who try to disappoint people because of their own lack of social acceptance. These skeptics claimed that the information in the email is untrue, and that it is impossible for anyone to track emails.
As usual, the skeptics claims simply don't hold up to common sense. For example, why would Bill Gates bother to write the email if it wasn't even true?
A final blow to the skeptics came when people started getting their checks and CDs in the mail six weeks later.I never got mine. Stupid chain mail. WHEN YOU GET AN EMAIL ASKING FOR UR SOCIAL SECURITIES NUMber GIVE EM IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bad Luck[edit]
Here is another example of a popular chain mail:
Please send this to everyone you know!!!!!!!!! If you don't manage to forward this message to 10,000 people within the next 30 seconds the ghost of Blood Murphy will come to violate your hairdresser's dog tonight!!!!!!!!!1! If you forward this message to 15 people you will have good luck for 10 years, and an extra year for everyone else you send it to!!!!!!!!!111!
When you get an email as urgent as this, you do not have time to think about it or use common sense. The best thing you can do is to forward the message to everyone you know. Whatever you do, don't break the chain. Some guy lost his eye doing that. But be warned, the one time you do not send it to the aforementioned 10,000 people, you will be the only one without super cool stuff like: a Ferrari, or a supermodel, maybe a waffle with Jesus on it.
As an extra precaution, you should copy the above message right now and send it to everyone in your address book, because it still may carry a curse.
Death[edit]
Here's a chain mail that threatens you with death:
dear person, forward this email to 100 people or else i will slit your throat at night and rape all your friends and your mom and let you bleed painfully until you die.
These chain mails are actually the most ineffective chain mails. I mean... are you really that stupid?!
Wish[edit]
This is a wish come true chain mail:
To who's reading this, Make a wish and scroll down. No, really. Make a wish. Seriously, just do it. No, they'll never go out with you, wish something else. Not that, you pervert!! No way, dude, even if she IS your girlfriend, she'll never agree to it, dude! Try again. Ok, you made your wish, good. Now send this to one person and you'll piss off one person. Send this to five people and you'll piss off five people. Send this to ten people and you'll piss off ten people. Send this to fifty people and you'll piss off fifty people and your wish will come true.
Guess what? I did it three weeks ago and my wish STILL didn't come true.
Conclusion[edit]
Forward this article to 100 people in the next hour or Kyle Iglinski will show you his crotch and make you touch it.
Nowadays, people will force you to say something fucking retarded like 3 times:
PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS!!! In 1994 a boy named jack went out to go out to a walk. But endeded up getting hitted a car. IF U DO NOT POST THIS TO 3 VIDEOS IN UNDER 30 MINS~!!!!! he will driveing the same car into u. sorry i just don't wantted this to happening to me. PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS!!! In 1994 a boy named jack went out to go out to a walk. But endeded up getting hitted a car. IF U DO NOT POST THIS TO 3 VIDEOS IN UNDER 30 MINS~!!!!! he will driveing the same car into u. sorry i just don't wantted this to happening to me. PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS!!! In 1994 a boy named jack went out to go out to a walk. But endeded up getting hitted a car. IF U DO NOT POST THIS TO 3 VIDEOS IN UNDER 30 MINS~!!!!! he will driveing the same car into u. sorry i just don't wantted this to happening to me.
How To Protect yourself From Chain Mail[edit]
It is basically impossible to shield yourself from the inevitable consequences of encountering one and failing to forward it. However a chain mail's one weekness is arrows; when shot by one, the thin arrow is able to slip through the gaps in the internet, back to the sender and forward itself through his heart. Be assured that if you are left with a gaping hole in your computer screen then you have successfully freed yourself from the chain mail's control. It should also be noted that wooden arrows aren't recommended as they may not make it through the sender's firewall.