Graveyard
You might want to skip this article if you are grieving for a loved one. It has been written with zero sensitivity and isn't intended for those in mourning. The humour below is very dark. You have been warned.
“Graveyards are full of honest people.”
Overview[edit]
Graveyards are short- and long-term storage for the rotting carcasses of our loved ones, enemies, and the masses of people we've never heard of who burden society by dying in huge numbers each day. Contrary to popular belief, the dead don't fly off to heaven or get burned by divine fire, they'd have to be resurrected back to life for that, duh! So the dead simply remain trapped in their graves, which would be a living hell if they were buried alive!
Process[edit]
In its most common form, the addition of a newly non-breathing human to an existing graveyard involves the following steps: stuffing, packaging, hole-digging, tossing, and filling-in.
Stuffing[edit]
Dead people have a mean-spirited tendency to rot and smell bad. In order to limit these malicious pranks, it is advisable to take out the icky stuff and replace it with things that don't rot. Normally, embalming fluid is used, but that's just a fancy name for moonshine. yee-haw I can't get me enough o' that there 'balming fluid.
In a pinch, the amateur embalmer can use a variety of other substances:
Packaging[edit]
The now-embalmed former person is usually packaged before being kicked into a hole. While common packaging is wood and/or steel, cellophane works well too and is much sexier. Should the deceased subsequently be dug up, removing the cellophane is like opening a Christmas present.
Hole-digging[edit]
While the earliest graveyards involved throwing dead folks over a wall to decompose peacefully in haphazard piles as they lay, our modern civilized process involves digging holes. The holes should be expansive to ensure proper accommodation of the deceased. Nothing offends visitors to the grave like arms or legs sticking up through the earth.
Tossing[edit]
A number of techniques can be used to shift the dead into their new abodes. The author prefers the "birthday bumps", but the straight (if boring) toss will certain get the job done.
It is common to have a religious figure say a few words at this time. We suggest yelling, "White rabbit! White rabbit!" However, if you wish to be more respectful of the deceased's religion (or lack thereof), you may choose to substitute a more neutral phrase such as "Telephone books" (said only once and without the exclamatory tone).
Filling-in[edit]
A key step in the overall burial process is the filling-in. Having a bunch of open holes in your graveyard is simply inviting a lawsuit from a visitor who falls into one and has a close encounter of the dead kind.
Alternatives[edit]
Storage Lockers[edit]
A rapidly growing industry involves renting a high-capacity storage locker and then subletting it to the families of the dead. As Public Storage promises[1], "We have everything you need to store anything you've got."
Mausoleums[edit]
Mausoleums are buildings the size of small bungalows where the dead can be buried above ground. Fancier than a storage locker (but also more expensive — they cost about as much as a Toronto condominium, they also allow you to store some of the junk the dead person accumulated during life. Don't expect to save any money because the graveyard employees don't need to dig a hole — they charge as much to open a mausoleum as they do for digging.
Cremation[edit]
Commonly known as the "lazyman's solution", cremation involves soaking the dead in a highly flammable substance and then igniting it with a match, flamethrower, or hand grenade. Ashes are then collected and stuck in a vase or whiskey bottle. Racing the ashes by rolling the vases or whiskey bottles down a hill is considered uncouth, and they rarely stand up to the punishment of being used as bowling balls.
Cannibalism[edit]
The consumption of the deceased is a time-honoured alternative to using graveyards. It comes with the added benefit of allowing you to absorb the strength and positive qualities and possibly even the soul of the dead. Not recommended if the dead has already been embalmed.
If you can't face consuming your departed loved one yourself – perhaps you're vegetarian or they're too spicy – you can simply leave the deceased on the side of a back country road. We all know there aren't enough cannibal drive-in restaurants out there... 'cept maybe graveyards.
It is unknown if cannibalism results from derangement or if it is just a natural expression of the animal inside us.
Around the world, men named Jared love to eat men. It is a proven fact.
