Catsturbating

Catsturbating is an effective way of preparing your cat for a huff. It increases the huffablitity of the cat, and also makes huffing a safer, more efficient practice. The technique works by weakening the cat's inhibitions, therefore making it more pleasurable for both parties.

“Ahh, my daily pass time and the only thing that keeps me sane in the wee small hours of the night ”

~ Oscar Wilde on catsturbating

“In Soviet Russia, kittens catsturbate you! ”

~ Yakov Smirnov on catsturbating

“It's really the only good thing about being huffed. ”

~ Cats on catsturbating

Preparation

The way most people prepare for catsturbation is by acquiring a cat that is willing to proceed. If the cat is not willing, the catsturbation won't be as effective. There is one known method that works the best way. Always remember to feed the cat before catsturbation in order to slow it down and make it sleepy.

How To Catsturbate

Here is a step by step process of how to catsturbate with a cat:

1. Get a wanking cat teet.
2. Lay him down gently and caress its anushka.
3. Set your hand on his side.
4. Move your hand back and forth along the cat's torso. By this point, your cat will be stretching out and allowing you to access the soft underside.
5. Continue this process, increasing speed as you go on.
6. After about thirty seconds to a minute, stop. By now the cat has probably reached catgasm. However, it is difficult to determine if it has, so be cautious.

You should not over-catsturbate the cat, as it may damage its huffability. After the catgasm, the cat may leak fluid from the opening in it's head, which some may call a mouth. This fluid, if it comes into contact with a dog, may create a substance known as "Cocaine".

A video of Catsturbation. File:Tummy Rub For Cat

Effects of Catsturbation

The cat will now be ready for huffing. Have caution, as the orange ones (which fuck you up REAL good) may still be toxic to huff, in which case you may need a series of tubes. You may find your palms are have become hairy, this is only the cats fur which has been shed in the excitement. You may also find yourself seeing giant Al Gores cornholing a bunny rabbit, which may be the effect of "╬". Maybe next time you'll keep Fido out of the room.

Catsturbating dates back to the early 15th century when a young man by the name of Jake Berenson chanced upon a band of kittens ripe for the huffing. They had just escaped from the nursery and still had that new cat smell. He began to huff them. After a little while, he became convinced that plain old kitten huffing just wasn't doing it for him anymore, and he became depressed. He was sitting down contemplating this dilemma as a young, nubile cat ventured into the region of his lap. Without thinking, he began scratching the cat's stomach. "Aha!" he exclaimed and began huffing the kittens. Not only did he find it safer and easier, but he found the effects of the huffing had greatly increased. Catsturbating has been a pivotal part of the process ever since it was championed in Fangoria, the first magazine for the average kitten huffer.

Catsturbating the Non-Huffable Kitten

You poor, poor soul.