Campbell's Soup

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Andy Warhol?

This is an artist's interpretation of what a Cambell's occurrence might look like. Nobody has actually survived an attack so the actual effects are a relative mystery.

Campbell's Soup is delicious, but one particularly popular flavor is a potential weapon of mass destruction. Most people do not realize the destructive properties of one of the many varieties of this product, and for one good reason. Those who find out seldom live to tell the story. The worst thing is, 99.7% of Americans have these cans sitting around the house collecting dust.

An Unexpected Discovery

In the fall of 2006, the chemical engineering department at the Virginia Community College (Pennsylvania) was fixing some grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup for lunch. A drop of Campbell's Tomato Soup was accidentally(deliberately) spilled into an empty vial that had previously contained experimental badger urine. The resulting explosion was responsible for several skin abrasions, but no pocket protectors were fractured. As it turns out, the chemical engineering department at VCC had quite a discovery on their hands.

At first, the explosive reaction when combined with badger urine was unable to be duplicated. Subsequent experiments yielded no results for several weeks. Then the VCC engineers remembered the saltines. It was found, that in fact, the condensed tomato form found in the can is relatively stable in and of itself. It requires two more ingredients to act as catalysts and begin the chain reaction. Only when reacted with the proper ratio of saltine crackers and badger piss can the destructive powers of the soup be released. The formula was found to be:

Campbell's Tomato Soup + Saltines + Badger Piss = KABOOM!

In addition, it was ultimately discovered that the recipe for Cambell's Tomato Soup contains chemical compounds identical to the active ingredients in German mustard gas. The widespread use of this gas in the Mexican Revolution eventually lead to its banning according to the Geneva Conventions. Its most severe and immediate effects include instantaneously causing the lungs to crystalize and asplode inside the victim's chest cavity. In the relative few surviors, long term effects have included blindness, leprosy, skin cancer, runny nose, and erectile dysfunction in males.

Recent experiments at CCC have shown that German crustard gas can be detected in the vapor of Campbell's Tomato soup, large quantities of which are relased when an explosive reaction occurs. This makes the danger of the soup two-fold, as both as a high explosive and a biological weapon.

The Controversy

In July 1980 it emerged that the secret ingredient in Campbells soup was the penises of gay men, hence the words Camp and Bell in the name. Many food standards agencies took them to court, whereapon the judge ruled that the public was 'given a generous amount of warning as to the content' due to the brand name and its association with Andy Warhol.

Could it be the End of the World?

To make matters worse, it shockingly clearly labeled on the can, CONDENSED. I mean come on, at least try to be discrete about it. The soup is so potent, that one 9.5oz can is equivalent to a 1,000,000,000 bajigaton explosion of universal destruction, while launching a cloud of the toxic crustard gas over 10 miles into the upper atomosphere where it can be carried by the jetstream to encircle the entire globe. According to the CCC engineers, how long these clouds might remain in the troposphere is still up in the air, but they could possibly block out the Sun for decades. This would send the Earth directly into an ice age, probably erradiating all life that does not make an escape to the Moon.