HowTo:Hunt butterflies

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A keen hunter.

Butterfly hunting is the most fun you can have killing butterflies with a gun. The objective is to take as much butterfly meat home to your family as possible for sustenance; without the precious butterfly meat your family will starve.

Fish & Game spokesmen note that butterfly hunting is not cruel, as butterflies would otherwise overpopulate and live miserable lives, most starving to death. And unless butterfly populations are kept low, they will attract hippies.

Method

Dressing as a pirate can help with butterfly hunting. Then again, maybe not.

Most enthusiasts use an Ithaca Desert Weeping Lotus with 4.2mm rounds. The armor-piercing rounds thoroughly penetrate the butterfly's thin, fragile wings. Inadequate penetration may lead to disappointment, as is often the case.

The best thing to do is to dress up as a large flower and start photosynthesizing like crazy until the butterflies come. Then BLAM! You've got them. The dead butterflies can then be collected, with the best pinned to a board.

Laws

In all states (except liquid), you must acquire an insect hunting license. The cost of the license is way more than you can afford. This restricts hunting to those who can do so with tasteful care for the environment, such as vegans.

States also regard the Spotted Manila Butterfly as an endangered species. This species contains markings that are mostly visible when the butterfly is on the ground with a huge bullet hole in it.

Type of butterfly

Butterflies that fly close are the least fearful and make the best targets. Faraway butterflies are hard to shoot and should be avoided.

In the absence of butterflies, moth hunting is an entertaining alternative. However, always bring your own lights, as moths only come out at night. Car headlights are ideal moth attracters. Unlike deer, there is no law against hunting butterflies and moths from inside a vehicle (your "moth-blind"), but always remember to roll down the window first. If you should bag a deer instead, simply tell the Fish & Game officer: "I missed!"

Hunting safety

Only point your gun at that which you intend to shoot. That being said, it is hunting etiquette to shoot everything you point your gun at it.

No photos!

To help increase the sense of terror from anyone reading this guide, I haven't included any photo of a butterfly. This was quite deliberate.