Bush-Dolphin War
| Bush-Dolphin War | |
|---|---|
| Date: 2007 | |
| Place: Pacificoceanland, previously known as America | |
| Outcome: Overthrowing of Humans living in America, now Pacificoceanland | |
| Dolphins | Humans |
| Political affiliation | |
| ☭ Communist | Changeable |
| Leaders | |
| President Dolphin, controls robotic Barack Obama | George Bush, deceased. |
| Casualties | |
| 55 (4 - Food poisoning, 1 - Shot for desertion, 50 - Killed by Loo) | Basically all Americans (98% - the remaining 2% had French ancestors and surrendered to Dolphin rule) |
The Bush-Dolphin War was fought between between the U.S. Army and the Communist Dolphin Republic of Pacificocean and lasted for approximately 5 ½ days from it's outbreak on 13th of July 2007 until America was conquered by the Dolphin Army, led by General Hammerhead. Despite the fact that the new leader of Pacificoceanland, Barack Obama, is really a dolphin, in a recent survey of the surviving Human Pacificoceanland residents (total 42; current occupation: miners in Colorado Rockies), Obama was given a higher approval rating than Bush.
Featured People[edit]
- George W. Bush, Former President of the U.S.
- Loo, Bush's Butler.
- The Dolphins, Dolphins.
- Gordon Brown, Prime Minister of Britain.
In Bush's Office[edit]
“Loo, welcome our visitors please.” <Enter dolphins> “AAARRRGGGHHH!!! Who's the dude with the big nose?!?!? (To self) Reminds me of the Russian ambassador.” “Mr President, I'm Secretary of State Dolphin, representing President Dolphin.” “Don't you have names?” “No, where we come from everyone is equal and names would make us different. For example people with dumb names would be laughed at.” “Run, Loo, they're communists.” “And it makes remembering names easier. Anyway who are you to talk? All your presidents are called Mr. President.” “Ahem, I see you've brought along the Prime Minister. Good morning, sir” “Actually, that's General Hammerhead, our body guard.” “Ahhhhh, yes. Smaller ears. Anyway, would you care for some sandwiches?” “Mmmmm, yes, what are they? Paté?” “Fish paste actually” “SWIM AWAY!!!”
NBC News[edit]
“George Bush, our honorable president, today made his proud statement <Cuts to clip of Bush> “I believe that man & fish can coexist peacefully. Yes, today the dolphins came to me with a treaty today. They outlined their plans to me and I am proud to announce the US will soon be launching, together with the dolphins, the “Bubble Telescope”, and it is our intention to discover the first underwater star. They don't exist, you say, but you said Saddam didn't have WMDs. He didn't, you say, but he did or my name isn't George Bush. I mean, George Walker Bush.””
The New York Times front page[edit]
“MAN-FISH RELATIONS AT ALL TIME LOW AS BUSH DECLARES WAR ON PACIFIC OCEAN” “America down to 49 states as Hawaii conquered by newly christened Pacificoceanland. Claimed to be worst thing to happen to Hawaii since Pearl Harbour (the movie)" “President Bush has deployed all available troops to the West Coast of mainland America and Alaska, and troops are currently marching into the ocean on his orders in full protective gear to combat the legions of killer whales and hammerhead sharks lying in wait just below the surface. Despite a lack of oxygen below the surface, Bush has so far refused to buy breathing equipment on the grounds that “we will not allow our glorious nation to be bankrupted by these terrorists”, resulting in heavy casualties. War was declared after the fish broke the treaty and employed guerilla tactics to devastating effect on a warehouse containing the crucial ingredient needed to make his favourite lobster dinners... Lobster. Said lobsters were freed by the invaders, but Bush has refused to make an official statement, saying only that “It was a serious blow... but atleast I no longer get the shits.”"
President's Question Time[edit]
“Mr President, what do you say to claims that you fell from the stupid tree, and hit every single branch on the long plummet down?” “I'm. Not. A. Tree. I'm. A. Bush. Next!” “And to calls for their arrest for treason?” “I'm. A. Bush. Bush's. Son. Not. Tree's. Son. Next!”
NBC News[edit]
“President Bush has been a source of great ridicule today after video clips emerged on the internet of him holding a glass of water screaming “TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!” He continues to threaten the water, and at one point places it in the microwave in what appeared to be a crude form of torture. Bush has not been available for comment, but sources close to him have revealed he is receiving therapy. This follows last night's incident where the presidential catfish, formerly of The Pond, The White House Gardens, Washington D.C., Columbia, Virginia, were found dead with kitchen knifes in their backs. It is believed these cuts were made slowly and methodically, indicating torture. The bodies of the victims have been released for burial, and president has been released from questioning.
The New York Times front page[edit]
“Bush Travels To Sharks To Negotiate” “Sharks Believed To Be On Our Side” “President Bush has travelled to Atlantis to meet with leaders of the notorious “Great White Shark Gang”, led by Don Great White Shark, the “godfather” in fish communities, causing uproar amongst the British, who feel the place as “Chief Arse Licker” is being threatened Previously labelled as “killers” and “menaces to our society, preying on the swimmers to feed their own stomachs” they are now being hailed as possible saviours to our kind. However, Don Great White Shark demanded total immunity from prosecution and live feed. Our president hesitated over this last one, before offering them Kentuckians. Don Great White Shark stalled here and tension levels rose dramatically as Don Great White Shark requested Arizonians, but Bush denied him that privilege so he settled for Kentucky. On his journey to meet the sharks, Bush's submarine was attacked by mer-people but the quick thinking of the President's butler, Loo, saved them as he threw the presidential Happy Meal© ”
The Wall Street Journal front page[edit]
“Dow Jones Falls Down Deep, Dark Hole” “Attempts To Fish Him Out Fail” “In the wake of Bush's retaliation against the Dolphins in the form of a suicide bomb attack (Casualties: 1), America's (now Pacificoceanland) fall to the fish and the execution of the majority of it's population, the stock market has shrunk rapidly and dramatically, leading to many worried citizens. Barry Trotter, a citizen from Chicago, told us “I'm really worried about losing my house. What could possibly worse???” The Russian stock market has trebled since their government boldly declared: “The Cold War is OVER!!! We won! America has crumbled! Prepare to get smashed on homemade vodka and cheap drugs, citizens!!!” “To the memory of Barry Trotter, executed by drowning yesterday.”
Bubble and Squeak News (Delivered by Dolphin Presenter)[edit]
"Today reports show that a minority of humans survived the Massacre of America. We have urged them, under false pretenses, that they will be not be harmed if they surrender, but sadly, they refused. They have become rebels and we will crush them like Bush. In Bush's case, his natural stupidity was no match for our Dolphin intelligence but here and now the human scum are fighting back. Oh my whale!" - SWITCHES TO A SCREEN OF DEVASTATION - "The rebels have just bombed the prison in which George Bush's body is being kept. It seems that they have decided to cut there losses and leave this place for good.. but wait!" - Close up on screen- "It's Loo! The presedential butler!! What an unexpected surprise! It seems that Loo has decided to get revenge for everything that the former president put him through, including the suspected killing of his catfish. Seal teams are moving in on the position as we speak and are about to apprehend the suspects." ... But wait ! It seems the rebels are throwing table salt on the attackers! They're shrivelling up! Lock your windows and close your doors! The rebels are fighting back!..."
National Anthem of Pacificoceanland[edit]
"The seaweed is always greener, In somebody else's lake, You dream about going up there, But that is a big mistake, Just look at the world around you, Right here on the ocean floor, Such wonderful things surround you, What more is you lookin' for?
Under the sea, Under the sea, Darling it's better, Down where it's wetter, Take it from me, Up on the shore they work all day, Out in the sun they slave away, While we devotin', Full time to floatin', Under the sea!
Down here all the fish is happy, As off through the waves they roll, The fish on the land ain't happy, They sad 'cause they in their bowl, But fish in the bowl is lucky, They in for a worser fate, One day when the boss get hungry, Guess who's gon' be on the plate.
Under the sea! Under the sea! Nobody beat us, Fry us and eat us, In fricassee! We what the land folks loves to cook, Under the sea we off the hook, We got no troubles, Life is the bubbles, Under the sea! Under the sea! Since life is sweet here, We got the beat here, Naturally, Even the sturgeon an' the ray, They get the urge 'n' start to play, We got the spirit, You got to hear it, Under the sea!
The newt play the flute, The carp play the harp, The plaice play the bass, And they soundin' sharp, The bass play the brass, The chub play the tub, The fluke is the duke of soul! (Yeah) The ray he can play, The lings on the strings, The trout rockin' out, The blackfish she sings, The smelt and the sprat, They know where it's at, An' oh that blowfish blow!
Under the sea! Under the sea! When the sardine, Begin the beguine, It's music to me, What do they got? A lot of sand, We got a hot crustacean band, Each little clam here, know how to jam here, Under the sea! Each little slug here, Cuttin' a rug here, Under the sea! Each little snail here, Know how to wail here, That's why it's hotter, Under the water, Ya we in luck here, Down in the muck here, Under the sea!"
The anthem has been derived from "The Little Mermaid," a film that is currently showing on all channels 24/7 By orders of Barack Obama
Surrender of Rebellion (Broadcast over Rebel Radio)[edit]
We've fought bravely here in Pacificoceanland. There have been many losses but table salt is running out... A cease fire was arranged but sadly we forgot to laminate it and it got wet... Following the loss of the treaty, our glorious leader Loo was killed... He fought bravely and killed over 30 seals and 20 dolphin militia , before been struck down... by chlorine poisoning... As the waves rise and fall and the ocean flows over the seabed below... We will remember them. <Bleurgh> <Dolphin cuts in> Now surrender human scum! We promise not to hurt you... too much.