Bumblefuck University
| Bumblefuck University | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Motto | Books never helped anyone learn anything. |
| Established | 1927 |
| School type | Private |
| Head | Michael Brown |
| Location | Chippendale, Minnesota, USA |
| Campus | Ghetto |
| Faculty | 402 |
| Mascot | Moonshine |
“Those of you lucky enough to have your lives, take them with you. However, leave the limbs you've lost. They belong to me now.”
Bumblefuck University was founded in 1887 by Dr. Robert Bumblefuck (1883-1968) as a tax laundering scheme for the high profitable Canadians trade and over the years BFU has moved from strength to, well somewhere else. Admission is based on gullability and birth sign: strictly no water signs (the slogan is "Pisces piss off, Cancer come on in"). They are happy to accept applications from anyone who didn't understand the television expose or foreign countries that don't receive CNN. BFU's unique combination of intimidation, low academic standards and poor hygiene has not been tried so boldly in other Americian universities but has attracted much acclaim from African prison services.
Fast Facts[edit]
Mission Statement[edit]
We will move forward into the new millennium, proudly, confidently and with less cholera than before.
Location[edit]
Bumblefuck University is located in Chippendale, MN, next to the Bumblefuck volunteer abatoir (don't forget bring a bat and have a go; help build the USAs biggest "Pile o' Pigs"!). Chippendale has a population of 200 although the gene pool's only enough for 30, honestly dude it's like Deliverence down there. If you're visiting the University have enough fuel to get in and out without stopping. If you do break down remember don't make eye contact, call for help and stay in the car.
Campus[edit]
Bumblefuck University has 10 residence halls designed to resemble prisons as we feel that it will best prepare the students for the carefree 'institutional life' that we think is the destiny of most.
Many students whine about the buboes, the festering sores and dizzyness. This is nothing to do with the University catering, the students dine on the best military surplus and as Dr. Bumblefuck said "If it was good enough for our boys in Korea it's good enough for Bumblefuck - seagulls will eat that stuff and you don't see them dead in the lecture halls... often."
Student Body[edit]
Oh God we've got a shitload of students - we tried counting a few times but just getting downwind of one of the halls of residence is bad enough and we've yet to find a member of staff dumb enough to go in one. Next year we're going use tear gas to flush the mobile ones out and get them hosed down. Lets say somewhere between 500 to 1200 still seem to move.
Academics[edit]
We had some - but they were amongst the first to go, nearly all of them died out in the first typhus epidemic. I'm mean Jesus what kind of pussies die of typhus? We lost the rest to hepatitis - good riddance I say. The sports department mainly came though OK and at least they don't moan about burning books for fuel, in fact they try to help now that we've explained fire to them - bless.
Academic Structure[edit]
Bumblefuck University is composed of seven schools - well we call them schools - most of the staff refer to them differently - a member of staff oversees each school and gets to choose their own title , most seem to have gone with Führer although we do have 2 'God's.
Nominally the schools are the College of Science, the School of Dull Arts, the School of Nose Picking, the School of Pain, Melony's Bar and Grill and the Seminary of Zork. Wait that's 6... shit...
Campus Life[edit]
There are many student organizations and they are sure to come and find you freshmen soon find that hiding doesn't work. Most items (food, water, exam marks and medicine) are controlled by the various frat houses so students should bring plenty of cash and for the richer students luxuries such as slaves and immunity from prosecution can be arranged. The biggest fraternity on campus are the Bloods and most nights they have long bouts of friendly fire with their great rival house the Crips. Dr. Robert Bumblefuck, Sr. founded the oldest on-campus fraternity, Kappa Kappa Kappa and they can often be seen in their smart white uniforms having small bonfires. Membership is open to all but students should be aware that the initiation ceremony often seems to go tragically wrong for the newer, oh how shall I put it, "darker" members.
Tuition[edit]
We really will be doing some this year so long as the little bastards stop projectile vomiting around the place. I mean it - you little worms either die like you keep moaning about or come to class. I'd say shit or get off the pot but there's been way to much of that already.
Financial Aid[edit]
Honestly we could do with whatever you can afford - but we're not without resources; we've got a bunch of whiny students and the ones without those sores thingies can scrub up pretty good. So make us an offer and we'll see if we can do business. Seriously they're wimps and we can intimidate them pretty good now - you want it we can train them to do it - hell we'll even make them smile while they're doing it to you.