Boobies (animal)

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Boobies (Class: Mammaria) (not to be confused with those stupid penguin-looking seabirds) are cosmopolitan animals that are virtually indistinguishable from another closely related group, the Tits.

Boobies in the wild and modestly dressed in case Fandom returns.

Boobies vary widely in their size, shape and colour and there is much disagreement between expert boobologysts as to the actual classification of boobies.

General Appearance[edit]

The most striking feature of boobies is the pair of gland-like structures each one posesses. Boobies are normally devoid of hair, although some rare species are reported to have a densely matted covering which they molt on a lunar cycle


Boobies are seen very often on the beach, and are generally caught by the eyes of male human beings. Men also like to touch boobies, but are generally too slow to catch them.

Boobies are also kept as domestic pets, normally by women, being ladies' pets. However, women who own them are often faced with men asking the question "Can you show me your boobies please?" but do not normally show them much because they like to keep them hidden . The largest boobies ever known to mankind are owned domestically by a woman known as Pamela Anderson.


Boobies are social animals and often coalesce into groups consisting of several individuals. These groups are tightly bonded and will come together on regular occasions to drink. The collective noun for a group of boobies is an "Ogle". While some booby species are active during the day, most species are hidden during sunlight hours. Boobies display flamboyant and extrovert behaviour during the night and allow much more of themselves to be seen. Amateur boobys watchers often take advantage of this, and some ardent watchers have been known to stalk boobies all night to make their observations.


Defense mechanisms vary between booby species, however all species share a defense strategy based on stunning a would-be attacker. When startled, boobies inflate and expose their glands. Predators are stunned and instantaneously fixated on the booby's glands, allowing the booby to make a quick getaway. Some booby species have the ability to shoot poisonous alkaloids from their glands and many of these species are remarkably effective at aiming the toxic cocktail directly into a predator's eyes.


Like many species, boobies go through oestrus cycles every month, and at these times their disposition changes from a normally placid manner to one that is aggressive and domineering. Little is known about booby courtship rituals. Very few reports have documented the elaborate courtship displays that boobies undertake. Booby watchers fortunate enough to have witnessed such events report that boobies gently stroke and touch one another before rolling themselves in mud or other sticky substances.


Boobies are susceptable to several type of diseases, however the most common aliment of boobies is chafing caused by excessive sweating or a lack of hygiene.

Classification of Boobies[edit]

Expert booby watchers classify and rate boobies on their size, shape and colour into several different groups named alphabetically. Below is a key to booby groups:

  • A's: Tiny boobies, almost invisible to the naked eye with little shape and no colour
  • B's: Small boobies barely able to be grasped in one hand
  • C's: Medium boobies with some curvature to the glands and an olive complexion
  • D's: Medium-large balloon shaped boobies with a dark brown colour
  • E's: Large boobies that may have splotchy orange patches resembling tanning products on the glands
  • F's: Extremely large boobies requiring special handling. Often misshapen and with scars around the glands.
  • G-Z's: Exceptionally large boobies that are only rarely seen. G's can grow to the length of about 2m with a volume of 7m³. K's can reach a volume of around 40m³. Q's can grow as big as a room (around 100m³). Z's (of which none have yet been sighted in a natural environment) can grow as big as a house (around 1000m³). Although very rare in nature, genetic experiments used these sizes for creating the ultimate boobies. Genetic manipulation resulted in them to be stronger, bigger, immortal and with a perfect curvature.

Booby watchers will often be heard using these terms for grouping boobies by making remarks such as "Man, those D's would look good in my home" or "I'd love to get up close to with those F's!"