Beer pong
“Ah, beer pong. It's like God in exuberant liquid form!”
Beerpong, also commonly known as BP (it is easier to text "BP tonight at my house!" than "Beerpong tonight at my house."), is a magical, magical sport that is copyrighted by the great folks up at Dartmouth. These kids were actually just the inventors of a better game called "Pong" that uses paddles, so don't listen to any of this paddle-less nonsense below. Beer pong is a unique game because even if you lose, you still win! God, beer pong is sweet. In 2008, the sport will be introduced into Olympic competition at the 2008 Summer Games in Beirut. Until then, high school and college students enjoy multiple games of beer pong along around the USA in garages, backyards, driveways, at parties, and anywhere there is alcohol and plastic cups.
History[edit]
Beer pong, Beirut, Lob Pong, Scud. Many of us spend our weekend (even weekday) nights playing this wonderful game, but little know of its origins and history. While it may seem like a relatively new game, beer pong has been around for thousands of years. Welcome to “The History of Beer Pong.”
Jesus (29 – 36 AD)[edit]
Historians attribute the origins of Beer Pong to one Jesus H. Christ some 2000 years ago. Yes, you read correctly, Jesus invented Beer Pong. After a satisfying Last Supper of His own body, the Lord decided to play some Beer Pong. If you look closely, original scriptures in the Bible describe the setup as six cup format, which worked well, since there were twelve apostles with twelve cups. Early records show that Judas and Bartholomew won sixteen straight games before Jesus came in and single-handedly beat them by himself (wonder if God was on his side). Today, Catholics still recognize Jesus’ accomplishments with the game, honoring him with a large beer pong table, commonly called an altar, in the front of the church.
Jesus' attempts to become "the face of Beer Pong" failed when it was discovered he could not turn water into beer.
Greeks (300 AD)[edit]
The Greeks, well known for their intelligent minds, also had a knack for sports. The Olympics originated in Ancient Greece, but Beer Pong was not introduced as a sport in the games until 300 AD. At this time the all-powerful Zeus decided to honor his half-brother Keystoneus, God of Drink, with a sport in the Olympics. Now I know some of you are saying, “Hold on, I’ve never heard of Keystoneus before!” You might not have read about Keystoneus in high school because he was like the drunk relative (usually your uncle) you never discuss. Many mythology texts do not even recognize Keystoneus. Anyway, the sport was played with all-nude men (Ryan Seacrest’s dreamland), as women were not allowed to play until much later on. The first gold medalist? No one knows; everyone was so drunk they couldn’t remember.
The Dark Ages (476 – 1000 AD)[edit]
For the next 524 years, Beer Pong saw its darkest days in history. New age games like “Flip Cup” and “Quarters” were introduced and passed on through word of mouth in the kingdoms. These sissy games required no skill whatsoever and Beer Pong enthusiasts were outraged with these alternatives, denouncing them as mere fads. Unfortunately, even the mere talk of Beer Pong could get one arrested and thrown into the torture chamber. Still, there was hope as secret diehards joined together in houses to play the game they loved. Sadly however, there arose a beer plague and a third of the European population was soon dead, as too were all drinking games. And people thought the plague was fleas and rats….
Beer Pong Revolution (1793)[edit]
After an uprising in the late 1400’s, Beer Pong saw its rules come into question during the late 18th century. It is then no surprise that a country associated with whining and riots started the Beer Pong Revolution. Yes, France. The country had seen years of boredom in the Beer Pong rules and decided they needed a change. New rules such as “the bounce” and “the overthrow the table and pull” were put into effect (much to everyone’s surprise, the French did not create a rule where you could just surrender a game). However, these rules did not last long and it was then accepted to make your own house rules.
No Beer! (1920s)[edit]
Good ol’ 1920s America, one of the greatest decades of all time. A time when jazz and the Charleston ruled the cities. This decade was all about prohibition as well. What?! No alcohol!!! With the amendment came organized crime and the creation of “speakeasies.” Speakeasies were secret clubs where alcohol was served and Beer Pong was played. Men could not only play the game they loved, but stare at the dancers of their generation, wearing nothing but a large dress… down to the ankles… with a little skin showing. Doesn't that turn you on?
Around this time, women began taking a more active in political issues; thus came the move towards allowing women to play Beer Pong. Finally, women were allowed to play. With the new player came a variety of new styles such as “the lean,” in which a girl would lean over the table (illegal), and proceed to make a cup (and smile). Also new to the game was the “Oops! Can I shoot again?” A ploy in which a woman would miss horrendously and ask for another shot, saying she was distracted. Overall however, historians see the introduction of women into the game as a good one. Now, pathetic guys could pair up with a hot chick in hopes of getting some, awfuls could feel good about themselves by beating a pair of women, and even more embarrassing, some men could depend on certain women to help them win the game.
Cold War (1950s and ‘60s)[edit]
Many professors make the mistake of telling their students that the Cold War was centered on the development of nuclear arms and the space race. In fact, the Cold War was based on one item: the Solo Cup. The Solo Cup Company was founded in 1936 and during the Cold War those Commie bastards wanted the same technology. This cup had special ridges to tell one when it was time to stop the flow of beer. This technology, highly coveted by the Russians, almost started World War III. The Solo Company kept the blueprints secret and watched desperately as two nations raced to produce a replica. Finally, it is said that the Americans filmed a fake Solo Cup production for the world to see, beating out the Russians. Conspiracy theorists today still question the making of the tape and acknowledge the possibility of a cover-up.
Beer Pong Today (Present)[edit]
Today, Beer Pong is played from Beirut, Lebanon to Waltham, Massachusetts. Even stars such as Paris Hilton have been known to play (she even drove home after playing thirteen games!). The game is played many different ways but is still based on the original game Jesus prepared. The World Series of Beer Pong is played annually and dormitories across the world hold games every night of the week. The game spans many age groups, from seniors in Florida condos to Michael Jackson, who holds a special 12-and-under game at his house weekly (sleepover follows!). Beer pong is well-known for bringing together both friends, enemies and hookups alike.
Beer Pong Today[edit]
Beer pong today is more magnificent then ever before. It is played with a lengthy table and begins with a minimum of ten plastic (preferably red) cups on each side, depending on how hammered you'd like to get. Usually you play on teams of two, and try to pick a partner who has consumed less alcohol than you have. This is not applicable to all BP players. Many players have known to be more talented once they have had a few too many drinks. Once you have you picked your partner you can begin to play! The goal of the game is to get your ball into the other persons cup. Please remember to wash your balls! No one wants dirt, or hair in their beer after those white balls have rolled around and fallen on the floor! Your goal is to make more balls into your opponents cups cause them to drink oall the beer in them and leaving them with no cups, deaming you the winner, aka BP CHAMP! Once you when a game you must 'run the table' until you lose. There are many beer pong teams that compete in competitions around the world. The best of these teams is Team Anaconda, which is sponsored by Mr. T and have never lost a game. Ever.
(This would be your most common view of beerpong from your end of the table. You also see a hand crafted Dos Equis table. Feel free to make your own customized preferably portable table.)
(This is an exaggerated example of people who would like to get extremely hammered and have an intense game of beerpong. You can have as many cups as you would like, this does take away from the skill, but also intensifies the level of intoxication.)
Wash Your Balls[edit]
When your at a party, or even hanging out in your loser friends garage apartment the floor isn't spick and span clean. Since you have been drinking, and beer is highly involved in beerpong, you will NOT make every shot you take. This results in your precious balls rolling off the table and onto that nasty floor. It's imperative to wash your balls! Not only will your opponted be highly pissed off at you for getting pubes in their beer/cup, your balls will become more aerodynamic after being cleaned. So keep an extra cup with water and dip your balls into them periodically, no one likes a dirty boy.
Run the table[edit]
Ahhh, the satisfaction of running the table. Not only have you won many games, but everyone at the party knows your the champ. You have the power to call the shots, and trash talk anyone that wants to play you. Also, when you're the champ you can often pick your opponents. Choose wisely. Though the drunk guy wearing a Darth Vader shirt who had been trying to smell the hot girls hair all night may look like an easy match, don't be fooled. These dorky unpredictable guys are usually the most naturally talented players of all!
The Art of Distraction[edit]
Whether you are a guy or girl BP has some serious advantages. It is a focused games that needs a skilled eye. Girls: when you see a cute guy playing beerpong take the full advantage to play against him. Not only can you exchange some flirty trash talk about how your going to beat him, you can also 'distract' him. In BP many times an opponent will often wave their hands over the cups in order to distract you or make dumb faces. Well guess what girls, YOU HAVE TITS! For once in your life it's okay to be a little slutty, if anything it is more than welcome in beerpong! So pull your shirt down a little and shake those tatas over the cups, which can guarantee their eyes will be on your boobs, and will definitely cause them to miss. You may even turn around and shake your butt a little! Not only did this make them miss, it also had them staring at you. This has many advantages. Your are likely to hook up with the cutest opponent, and if you're not the prettiest girl, an uggo, at least you get the ugly guy! Guys: don't let the girl win. The drunker they are, the more likely they are to have drunk makeout sessions, in which you are not obligated to call back the next day. You got to see boobs shaken, makeout, and not call. This is what we label a good beerpong night.
Beirut?[edit]
Some people in Boston refer to Beer pong as Beirut. This is believed to be because Bostonians are awkward and have a speech impediment from birth. This is renowned from their versions of words (garden becomes GAH-dan, for example).