Battle of Thermopylae

The Battle of Thermopylae took place in 2001 at Thermopylae in Scotland. The name comes from greek thermo + pileae, because it was the first time the greeks had seen so much heat piling up. Herodotus says that Cowardus runs to queen helena, the queen ask : "Ques que se, cowardus?" - "Es is Thermopylae!" A battle between the age-old houses of Murdoch and Connery, the fire that caught hold of much of the battleground following the slaughter sank most of New Zealand into the sea, causing much uproar from Lord of the Rings fans and drawing polite comparisons with Atlantis from more learned observers.

The Prelude

The house of Connery, which included many colourful characters like Indiana Jones Snr, the Green Knight, James Bond Mark I, and Ramirez of Highlander fame, had long courted controversy with the viziers Murdoch, whose iron grip extended into the printing world. Flying into a rage one day at the continued cult success of many Highlander spin-offs as well as "the best roles going to that old fart Connery", Grand High Priest Almighty Vizier Murdoch decided he would collect to him a great and large army of gooks, niggas, fanboys and minorities everywhere to storm and take the great fortress Connery had constructed out of tin foil and cd cases in the high plains above Christchurch in New Zealand.

The Assault Begins

Charged with taking New Zealand from Connery, Murdoch's chief general and commander of the BskyB legions Judy Dench commenced hostilities the following day with a residual force of SAG devotees. Following her initial (and not entirely unexpected success) in landing and establishing a beachhead near Greymouth, the unbalanced Connery ordered the immediate deployment of Nazi extras he had worked alongside. These crack troops were mortally loyal to Connery, and by lunchtime on the fifth day had begun to break through Dench's lines at the Fox Glacier and elsewhere, causing the widespread disruption of supplies to her thirteen regiments of "Screaming Queens".

The Breaking Point

Luckily for Dench reinforcements, mainly consisting of extras from her own movies were soon landed and begun to heavily deplete the number of goosestepping clowns available to Connery, who had holed himself in the highest CD case tower with a bottle of Scotch and a couple of hookers to consult with George Bush about exit strategies from a difficult conflict situation. Seeing the end was near, the Connery "Master Weapon", in the form of James Bond Mark 1 was immediately rolled out. The only one ever produced, unpackaged it was worth exactly $2 and had variable Walther PPK/Combat Knife functions on both arms. With a giant voicebox weighing six tonnes and a motor that took several hours to warm up, it could also belt out the coolest lines from such greats as "Goldfinger" and "From Russia With Love". Unfortunately for Connery during the deployment stage Dench's fanatic legions of fans had advanced nearly to the gates, burning, pillaging, and raping as they passed. There was simply no time to warm the massive engine of the superweapon up, and Connery committed suicide at 0301hrs the day after the invasion had landed....with a telephone...and the aid of two prostitutes.

The final stages

• Thermoculae: My King! It was a great honor to have fought at your side...
• Leonaedus: It was an honor to have lived at yours

Aftermath

New Zealand began to burn faster than the fire could be urinated on by locals and Army personnel combined, giving just 3 hours before the entire place burnt to the ground, and then, due to the laws of physics, burnt through the ground and the South Island, followed shortly by the North Island, tumbled into the sea. Despite the labour of another ground zero to clean up on the ocean floor, nothing could be done in time and the country ceased to exist. Just to be fair, coalition forces blew up the entire Eastern Coast of Australia following the international disaster.