Animal rights

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“All animals have the right to become wonderful fur coats”

~ Cruella de Vil on Animal Rights

Animal rights are rights of animals in human societies.

The universal declaration of the rights of animals is one of the central documents that are used by animal rights movements. Some of the rights that are laid down in this documents include:

  • All animals have the right to be cooked and eaten. If we weren't meant to eat them, why are they made of meat?
  • A lizard has the right to be turned in to a stylish hand bag.
  • A cow has the right to moo and to be used for milk and meat.
  • A chicken has the right to cross the road.
  • Birds have the right to shit on your head, your car and any and all statues.
  • Cats have the right to mew.
  • Dogs have the right to bark, if they do so in a discrete manner. (There's no excuse for sloppy, slurred barking.) Note that there is no requirement that a dog's bark be discreet.
  • Dogs have the right to stay at the temperatures they prefer. Forced heating of dogs that results in hotdogs should be prohibited.
  • Dragons have the undisputed right to blowtorch your ass whenever they feel like it.
  • Dogs can, and will, hump you.
  • Monkeys have the right to throw explosive ordinance and shoot firearms into large groups of humans.
  • Flies have the right to fly, hence their name.
  • Whatever goes on two legs is an enemy.
  • Whatever goes on four legs, or has wings, is a friend.
  • No animal shall wear clothes.
  • No animal shall sleep in a bed.
  • No animal shall drink alcohol. (Except when funny)
  • No animal shall kill any other animal.
  • All animals are equal.
  • Pigs are clearly not animals and, therefore, do not have any rights.
  • Deer have the right to stand in front of a car like a dumb ass.
  • Dogs have the right to shit in your yard, they also have the right to piss on your tire.
  • Horses have the right to be featured in bestiality porn

Note that even though the fact that e.g. a cat has the right to moo and a cow has the right to mew are not explicitly mentioned in this declaration, it is commonly accepted that these rights are implicitly guaranteed by the document as well. Animals have also gained rights through religion. For example in India a cow could walk into your house and eat your food and watch your TV, and drink your wife`s breast milk, and all because he is holy you cannot kick his bovine ass with a golf club, like if it was that human dude who`s ass you wanted to kick.

There is some doubt as to whether humans are animals, and in the likely event that they are not, it can be clearly stated that they have no rights at all.

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