Airline Management

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John Q. Fuckyou, President, CEO and All Around Dick of FUCK YOU Airlines discusses how he would like to convert the nine-across seating to fifteen-across seating on his entire fleet of Fuck You jets.

Airline Management is one of the last bastions in corporate America where two outdated theories still flourish, the first is the promotion of Brown-Nosing, Back Stabbing, Snitching and Tickling, these being the preferred methods for managing and promoting employees to bogus, made-up management positions. The second is the ratio of management to employees.

Modus Operandi[edit]

Airline Management cloaks its true purpose in a quasi-cult dedicated to perpetuating their own importance, raises and promotions - this cult is well known within the Airline Industry. This secretive religion-like body is called Judy Garlandism. An almost fanatical loyalty exists amongst these managers as they work in the shadows to protect not only their own interests, but the interests of their fellow managers.

Only one Airline Manager has ever been known to break the code of silence once they left the industry. This man, known only as "Bruce," made a death bed confession detailing the true purpose of Airline Management. To this day his body has never been found and his very existence has been denied by airline executives.

Before his death, Mr. "Bruce" detailed Airline Management's five point plan and purpose was:

  • To promote from within. Candidates will show a natural aptitude for Back Stabbing, Brown Nosing, Snitching and Blind Faith before being asked to step forward when the row has been called. Loyalty is measured by following these four golden rules, and if an applicant is found to show this quality, they have a very good chance of joining the Fraternal Airline Regents Team or FART as it has come to be known. FART is just the starting block for all good management candidates, should they prove their worthiness once promoted.A secret meeting is then arranged for the rookie manager to be indoctrinated into Judyism.
  • To promote loyalty by covering for your fellow managers. This is a must among Judyist members as being a Airline Manager did not require actual intelligence, ability or smooth legs. As a result, one of the most important qualities a Judyist member can have is blind loyalty to other Judyists - even those they may not know. Wherever, whenever he, she or it must strive to protect the brotherhood. To break this edict means immediate and permanent excommunication from FART and Judyism and a "promotion" to the Lil' Abner Airport and Stockyards, Dog Patch Mississippi.
  • To emphasize that Airline Managers are never fired. After they screw up to the point where everything is FUBAR (Fucked Up Beyond All Reality]] they screw up so badly that a change is required, a scapegoat will be sacrificed and its blood consumed with roasted peanuts and an olive. A toast is made to the Screwer and the Manager in question will be whisked away to his or her new assignment, complete with a new identity and a warning to play nice in the future.
  • To maximize management compensation and bonuses. To achieve this aim, underlings and minions will be forced to endure a clawback of their benefits.
  • To perpetuate the need for more managers. The goal of every manager should always be to require more management, and less from more management. Increasing Management's presence to the degree that hourly workers become overwhelmed by the weight of their supervisory chain of command, which translates directly into success. Fewer hourly workers capable of doing any job at cheaper pay because they are not qualified to do anything equals more money for the managers. How could this actually go wrong?

Management Ratio[edit]

Airline drones, droning for management which manages their droning.

Airline Management exists for only one reason: to perpetuate their own existence.

Since no other industry would knowingly have more managers than employees the airline industry has determined the optimal management to employee ration should be 1:2; that's right, for every hourly employee there should be two management positions allotted. To resolve this and still appear to be a viable entity the airline industry has come up with a mind numbing list of management positions. This list is one of the most guarded documents in the industry. However, through some simple research we can list some of them here and their true purpose. Some examples are listed here in no particular order:

A. Senior Executive Vice President. Here is a perfect example of a title you can give to almost anyone for the most inane reason - "Senior Executive Vice President of Southern California Customer Relations for Passenger Issue Discrepancy Resolution," for example. Now you may be asking yourself, "What the hell does that mean?" Well that's the beauty of this, no one knows and no one can explain it, but always remember, that guy is getting paid six figures to go to work each day and sleep in his office for 8 hours while you try to figure out what the hell he actually does.

B. Executive Vice President of Operations. See above. An added bonus to these first two entries is to confuse your hourly employees as to which one reports to the other. For comedy value you can keep hourly employees confused for years as you ping pong them back and forth between these two entities while never actually admitting that one reports to the other. The importance of this is so that you don't actually have to resolve any issues that come up and if one of your mindless minions stray and bring in an outside entity to resolve their grievance, then everyone is in the clear because no one officially reports to anyone else, but about 30 managers have some kind of authority over the department with no real responsibility of running it. "It's not my fault, I'm not in charge of that".

C. Vice President. See A and B, but with more direct reports.

D. Other generic titles include, Customer Service Manager of <insert bullshit>, Manager of Customer Service, Customer Relations Manager, Manager of Customer Relations, Executive Manager of Western Customer Relations, Western Division Manager for Customer Service and so on, ad nauseum. The beauty of all these titles is that they could all be over the exact same department of 6 people, with none of them really accepting any responsibility for anything going wrong and none of them answering to one another, but all making 75 grand plus per annum.

Running The Airline[edit]

OK girlbots, all at once let’s practice our Business Man's Mantra: "When the captain turns off the seat belt sign, we'll be serving coffee, tea or me!"

Fortunately, the daily operation of running the airline falls to the hourly workers who try in vain to keep the airline up in the air as best they can with what few resources they are given.

Management shows little to no interest in actually running the daily operation. A shortage of peanuts on Flight 771 to Omaha? Spare me!

In the event that something does go wrong during the pre-boarding, flight or post-boarding, employees will be instructed on how much they need to sweat and how many lies that they will need to tell. In the event of a mass failure of the company, employees are authorized to blame the most problematic hourly employee in the department at fault that had anything remotely to do with the problem. And remember, never give any real explanation as to why it's their fault, just blame them. If they even remotely question it, find something else wrong and blame them for that as well, all the time trying to intimidate and harass them every step of the way. Anyway, here are some of the more tried and true methods that Airline Management uses to run their operation:

  • Path of Least Resistance. Airline Management will always take the Path of Least Resistance for every situation that arises. As long as the operation is running smoothly and nothing bad happens, airline management will ALWAYS take the credit for a job well done. However, when things go bad, someone needs to get the blame. Airline management is quick to find the one person who is the easiest to scapegoat because that person is weak and must be winnowed out of the pack.
  • Displacing Blame. Since any plan created by Airline Management is by definition perfect, if it fails it has to be because of those pesky stupid hourly grunts. However, on those rare occasions when the only hourly grunt to blame is smarter than management it becomes important to somehow displace the blame elsewhere (an act of God will usually work in a pinch) to avoid a confrontation with someone who can point out management's stupidity, conflicting policies, corruption, craftiness, greed and apathy.
  • Electra Complex. Because the patron covets a seamless airliner experience, the hostesses on the plane will be viewed as barriers to gaining the love and support of the captain. Therefore, each airline stewardess will be viewed as a whore, and the displaced sexuality will play itself out in the selling of colas and gin as she works the paying customers for tips like a dancer in a titty bar.

See also[edit]