Africa (for White People)
“We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation suffering from incredible disease”
Africa is a country named after Toto's song "Africa"(1981). Very little is known about the country, though there are rumors that children are starving in Africa. It is also the birthplace of multiple famous figures, such as the Black Panther, former president Barrack Obama, and AIDS. It is also widely believed to be the birthplace of humanity, meaning the phrase "go back to Africa" is universally applicable.
The slave trade[edit]
The Slave Trade is a term used to describe the African migrant surge that began in the 16th century. Many Africans wanted to leave their home country in search of new career opportunities. However, most of them had no method of transportation. Because of this, many generous Europeans stepped in, and allowed them to ride for free on their ships. Once they arrived at their destination, they bonded with their new countrymen through fun, outdoor activities such as gardening on a hot summer day.
Unfortunately, they were very ungrateful, and burned down the gardens. This has left a permanent scar on The United States. However, the generosity of Americans and Europeans persevered, and to this day, we continue to offer foreign aid to the people of Africa.
Nowadays, in southern U.S.A., Americans erect statues of the leaders that made slavery possible. In fact, many Americans carry on in the footsteps of their ancestors, and let their Mexican neighbors have fun on their gardens, a memorial to simpler times.
Africa's economy[edit]
Africa suffers from poverty and corruption in its government. Its economy is dependent on its foothold in the vibranium market, and its rights to the mummy franchise. In fact, if it weren't for handsome white archeologists uncovering gold in the ancient tombs, Africa's economy would have collapsed long ago.
Some economists speculate the cause of these issues originated in the mid 90's, when thousands of Nigerian officials outsourced their wealth to their relatives in numerous western countries. The total amount of money lost from this crisis is estimated to be in the trillions.
African culture[edit]
African culture is very distinct, and can be broken down into many different aspects, each of which separates it from many others.
Religion[edit]
Religion in Africa is shrouded in mystery. There are many differences in beliefs indicative of many different cultures within Africa, but most of these religions fall into three subcategories. Firstly, there are traditional religions, which are strange and weird. Secondly, there is an abundance of Islam around Africa, which is bad and terrorist. Thirdly, there is Christianity, which is good.
Traditional religions[edit]
There are many different traditional ancient African religions, spanning across many different cultures, but all of them are united under their aforementioned weirdness. One such religion is that of Ancient Egypt. Egyptians worshiped a giant god of the sun. Many believe this worship is in part due to its proximity to the sun, which is why it gets so hot down there. Many other traditional beliefs state that the forces of rain and crops are manipulated by greater powers in the sky. Of course, to us western intellectuals, these beliefs are simply laughable, when we all know that the rain is controlled by a magic bearded man who made the Earth five thousand years ago.
Islam[edit]
Africa's Islam concentration is second only to the Arabian Peninsula. In fact, this graph was made by Arabeditor11786, which means there are at least 11,785 other Arab editors out there waiting to strike. The methods used to discover the Muslim concentration in Africa are rather controversial, however. These numbers are determined by asking people what their religion is, which critics argue is an unreliable source of information. Many say that it would be better to identify a Muslim using alternative, more effective techniques, such as whether or not they have a funny looking cloth on their head.
Christianity[edit]
Thankfully, amongst all these false gods, within Africa and the Arabian Peninsula, there have been a few good, Christian, white men, like Moses and Jesus, who spread the good word.
Food[edit]
Africa is well known for its diet, which has been praised by many nutritionists as one of the most effective weight loss diets in the world, competing with the Meduro Diet for first place. Experts hypothesize a typical African meal probably consists of spiritual herbs and human sacrifice, though nobody actually knows for sure, so none of these accounts can be verified.
Music[edit]
African Music is one of the most distinctive features of its culture. It is divided into two main categories: tribal music and hip hop.
Tribal music[edit]
Tribal music is one of the most popular genres of music in Africa. It can be played with a wide range of instruments, including the drum, the maraca, and probably some other weird wooden shit. This music, however, is extremely primitive and does not come close to the melodic and lyrical genius of western music (see Nickelback). This music is also my least favorite part of my child's chorus concert, but I keep those thoughts to myself.
Hip hop[edit]
Hip-Hop is not only a major theme in African music, but it is also an excellent way to seem cool in front of my token black friends. Famous Rap artists include, but are not limited to, Jake Paul, Danielle Bregoli, and Vanilla Ice. Hip hop, not to be confused with real music, encourages a criminal lifestyle, where it's "cool" to sag and do drugs. No, no I'm not racist, no, we're all thinking it, you know, back in my day, no it's about time someone hears my two cents.
My two cents[edit]
You know, we're all hearing about this whole "Black Lives Matter" thing where these gangsters think its cool to shoot cops. How bout, if you don't want to get shot by the police, don't drop out of school, and maybe then, you wouldn't be living on welfare and stealing the hard-earned money of hard working Americans like myself. Oh, and all this talk about racism? And nobody's talking about the real racism in this country, okay? Why is it that universities, with their liberal agenda, get to pick lazy, under-qualified students just because they're black. And why is it that black people get to say the n-word, but I don't get to. If you want equality, then explain that. You know what, I'm gonna say it. I'm tired of fucking n_____s tearing this country apart. Stop whining about your made up problems, and go back to Africa.
References[edit]
This article was compiled of quotes from people who should not have the right to vote.