99th Red Balloon Infantry

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
A rare glimpse of a strategic red balloon.

The 99th Red Balloon Infantry is an elite fighting force, at minutes standby, equipped with the most effective, tactical balloons. They are highly trained in the conduct of balloon warfare, and are one of the most feared fighting formations in the world.


The history, formation and structure of the 99th Red Balloon Infantry division (Der Neunundneunzig Roten Sturm-Bahn Gefuhren Menner) is documented well in the divisions historic and stirring anthem by the German band Nena, translated here to English for English-speaking people. And just to be a downer, the song in German is really AIR balloons.

You and I in a little toy shop
Buy a bag of balloons with the money we've got
Set them free at the break of dawn
Til' one by one, they were gone.

Herr Doktor von Braun's initial concept was of warfare by balloon. It is believed that he got the idea around 1954, when in the local toy shop, whilst inadvertently inhaling helium, and realized that balloons, specifically ones colored red, could be used devastatingly in warfare.

Back at base, bugs in the software
Flash the message, Something's out there
Floating in the summer sky
99 red balloons go by.

General von Braun immediately returned to the base, and set about standing up the 99th RABIDs (as they later became to be known). within hours, he had a troop of 99 men, standing by with fully armed prototype tactical balloons.

Later that week, in order to fully train the 99th RABIDs, General von Braun ordered a full tactical exercise, to both demonstrate to the world the potency of his countries, and to ensure that the troops were fully prepared.

99 red balloons
Floating in the summer sky
Panic bells, it's red alert
There's something here, from somewhere else
The war machine springs to life
Opens up one eager eye
Focusing it on the sky
Where 99 red balloons go by.

On June 12th, at approximately 3:04:34, General von Braun issued the order.

99 Decision Street
99 ministers meet
To worry, worry, super-scurry
Call the troops out in a hurry
This is what we've waited for
This is it boys, this is war
The president is on the line
As 99 red balloons go by.

The exercise was an outstanding success. von Braun had successfully panicked every single world leader into panic. and some into picnics. This off-side oddball had shown them that he was capable of a real threat. The threat of balloon warfare.

99 Knights of the air
Ride super-high-tech jet fighters
Everyone's a super-hero
Everyone's a Captain Kirk
With orders to identify
To clarify and classify
Scramble in the summer sky
As 99 red balloons go by.

Realizing that von Braun had released many tactical balloons, the League of Nations scrambled fighter jets to identify and to try and more understand the threat posed. Unfortunately, the technology drifted out of range before its devastating effects could be unlocked. von Braun is the only know possessor of this technology, making the 99th RABIDs unique.

99 dreams I have had
In every one a red balloon
It's all over and I'm standin' pretty
In this dust that was a city
If I could find a souvenir
Just to prove the world was here
And here, I find a red balloon
I think of you and let it go.

Currently the 99th RABIDs are under a state of high alert, protecting the world from vacant consumerism and are also renowned for their sartorial style.

Tactics and training[edit]

An early personal issue red balloon, normally issued for last resort fighting.

Only a scarce few are privy to the tactics of the 99th RABIDs. It is generally thought that, in times of extreme crises, balloons are released, to deadly effect.

The 99th RABIDs train regularly, both individually , and up to battle group level. Because the operation of the 99th RABIDS is so secretive, it is thought that higher echelon training is calculated to coincide with large charity events.

Many 99th RABIDs retire to become balloon sellers at amusement parks. Most amusement park companies employ them as dual role employees - balloon selling and covert high-level war-mongering.


“Red death flys by.”

~ some guy

The 99th RABIDs are armed with a variety of red balloons, ranging from hand held anti-personnel balloons to strategic red dirigibles. Little is known of their construction, other than the trademark red color.