Worst Movie Ever

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Have you, an American who watches film productions of cinema and serialized dramatics, ever witnessed a collaboration of "talents" so foul that you yearned to journey back in time and destroy the master copy of the aforementioned recording?

I have.

There is a movie that has been presented to viewers nationwide that is so horrible, both in talent and production, that it deserves extreme efforts on the part of quantum physicists globe-wide to achieve access to wormholes… if only to remove this movie from the anus of time altogether.

Van Helsing.

How can such a wonderful concept be so ill-conceived in a new medium of storytelling? How can CGI go so wrong?


Van Helsing begins in the late 1970's, on the windswept steppes of California, when two brothers, Eddie and Alex Van Helsing, decide to form a rock band. In the band, Eddie will basically take all the credit, get all the fame and girls, play guitar, and be worshipped as a god, Alex will play drums. The two brothers recruit Mark Anthony to play bass. Now the band needed a frontman. The lead singer is the key to any band (except Santana, or any band with Ted Nugent). Van Helsing needed to pick someone with flash, personality, charisma, and a great singing voice... Unfortunately, they picked "Diamond" David Lee Harvey Oswald Roth. The band was doing well though, selling millions of records, rocking the place. In 1984 the band decided to move in another direction. Eddie Van Helsing was concerned that being a guitar god was only getting him 3/8 of the Van Helsing groupie pussy. (with another 3/8 going to Oswald Roth, and the 1/8 to each of the other two members) To address this, Eddie started making weird synthesizer noises, chicks dug this, and he took over Alex's share of the pussy.

Oswald Roth got the bright idea that HE was the reason Van Helsing was successful, he was also irritated that the band was called Van Helsing, not Oswald Roth. He decided to go solo...and no one ever heard from him again.

New lead[edit]

This did leave Van Helsing without a lead singer. Eddie decided to recruit an already famous rocker to front the band (what could go wrong?) He selected Haggar the Horrible. Haggar the Horrible had a few solo hits before joining Van Helsing, including "I Can't Drive!" and "Give a Crap (to Live)". Many... okay, there never were that many, but some of the fans were upset with Haggar's arrival... they dubbed the new lineup Van Horrible, and longed for the Oswald Roth days.

Van Helsing recorded a number of hit records with Haggar. However, the rumors of a reunion tour were hard to put down. Oswald Roth had tried to steal the show at an EmptyV awards show where Van Helsing were presenters. Many called for Van Helsing to either give up, or go on tour with Oswald Roth...they took a third option and fired Haggar, but didn't rehire Oswald Roth. They hired a new singer...some guy. Some guy had been in some band, and sang some song. Eddie hired him, recorded an album, got booed off stage, and fired him, all in the span of a month. Eddie called Haggar and begged him to come back.

The movie[edit]

The boys from the band were back on top. There was a bit of unresolved business, however. The band had never been in a movie! Eddie began looking at other bands and their movies, He looked at the Beatles, the Who, the Monkees, finally he found a movie he would like to emulate... Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park! Van Helsing loved the concept of the band fighting legendary monsters, and saving hot chicks. With guaranteed bankroll from the band's record company, the movie was made.

Eddie played the lead, as usual, taking the role of "Eddie Van Helsing". Alex played the villain, Count Chocula. Mark, the loveable big guy, played Frankenberry's Monster, and Haggar played the Wolfman.

The movie was panned by all the critics, including Ebert & Roper and Gene Shalit. Horribly acted, lamely written, suckily edited, with cheesy effects and piss-poor directing. Indeed this was the worst movie since Batman and Robin. The band suffered ridicule for their egotistical attempt to make a movie.

Will the band recover?

When can we expect a new album?

God please, are they... (shudder)... gonna make another movie?

These are the questions that will haunt me to the end of my days in this world. Or the next Marvel movie.