Why?:You should trust me?
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This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
- I'm asking you to lend me money.
- I say I will pay it back.
- Let the games begin.
Why to trust me
- Because trust is important: You should trust me because trust is important. Even if every single time I borrowed money from you before I said "I swear to God you'll have it tomorrow," and every single time I completely blanked and you didn't get your money ... even then, it is imperative that you have a little trust and give me the money. Because this cold dark void of existence would be nothing without trust. If only because in the darkest, coldest night, the true flame of trust burns the brightest, it's up to you (against all better judgment) to light that solitary flame by lending me that money.
- Because trust makes you a good person: You want to be a good person don't you? Of course you do. Well being a good person means that sometimes people use that to rip you off a little bit (or a lot). So be a good person, man. Live up to your sterling uprbrining. Ask what would Jesus do? He trusted Judas, and I think he'd trust me and lend me that money.
- Because I trust you: If the tables were turned I would do the same for you. But the tables aren't turned so don't try to turn them, just trust me about what it would be like if they were hypothetically turned and lend me the money.
- Because you can afford to trust me: You've got plenty of cash. With your "job" and you "IRA" and your going to see movies after matinee pricing has ended. You are lucky. You can afford the luxury of trusting me and your seemingly infinite wealth can absorb the risk of me doing what I have done every single time up until now (which is not pay you back). Think of your trust as currency that can buy you good karma. So buy away. Lend me that money.
- Because you're all I've got: The fact that I am asking you for your trust puts you in a position of responsibility for my well being. By exposing my need for money to you I am making myself vulnerable. Simultaneously I am making you my protector. Hence, if you walk away now, you are performing a heinous act that is the equivalent of leaving a newborn kitten to die of thirst in a barren wasteland. You wouldn't do that, would you? Of course not. You're all I've got, so lend me that money. (Don't tell Ayn Rand I said this.)
- Because it's your patriotic duty: By keeping all that money in that shoebox under your bed, you're starving our country of income. Instead of keeping the lifeblood of our economy flowing, you'd be acting like a clogged artery; one that's giving our country diabetes. But by lending me that money, it will keep the currency circulating, bolstering our trade and it will eventually "trickle down" back to you anyways. Not giving me the money is siding with the terrorists who want our great country ruined. Do your part and lend me that money.
Why not to trust me
- Because you're not an idiot: If you fall for this again, tomorrow I'm going to look at you with this blank look and say "Dude, I'm totally sorry. I'll get you tomorrow," and you'll have nobody to blame but yourself. "I'm such an idiot" you'll say to yourself. And you will be. So don't be. Don't trust me and definitely don't lend me that money.
- Because I'm playing you: Look, let's be real. I know what kind of person you are. I wouldn't have gotten all this money out of you if I didn't have an inkling that you were kind of a giver. I'm basically just pushing that to the limit. If you draw the line, I'll get it. So draw the line. Stop getting played. Don't lend me that money.
- Because your weakness sickens me: It may seem as though you're winning me over when you give me that money, but you're not. You're making me sick at your neediness to be liked and I'm a little sick at myself for exploiting it. So do us both a favor and give me the finger and walk away.
- Because there's no point to any of this: The undeniable cosmic insignificance of this money changing hands in the face of planetary realignments and the constant expansion of the universe makes it unworthy of your efforts to even make the attempt to think about such an inanely minuscule question as whether or not to lend me that money. Ignore it. Ignore everything. Withdraw into yourself and don't lend anyone anyting, much less me.
- Because you're a selfish bastard: You've denied yourself long enough. You're a greedy pig and you know it. Just accept it. Keep your money. Be a social Darwinist pig. You know you are at heart.