Why?:Buy a Snuggie
The snuggie is a revolutionary concept; one that provides comfort never experienced before its invention. The geniuses behind the invention have managed to take an ordinary bathrobe, and have turned it backwards using a series of complex equations and manipulation of quantum physics. Not only have they created a backwards robe: they have harbored genetically perfect sheep (that happen to have pink, blue, cranberry, and Alabama Crimson Tide coats) to produce a fleece so perfect that even Cthulhu would be pleased (if he had two arms). Purists who think that the blanket is the only way to achieve cuddly goodness, here be words to unravel your ways.
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
Why buy a snuggie?
It's as simple as picking up your phone
That's right! If you call right now, you can conveniently place your order with one of the intelligent and fluently speaking representatives. However, some people may not want to dial the phone due to their blanket preventing them from performing such an action. That is perfectly okay: the Snuggie representatives are well-versed in metaphysics (India has a great metaphysical community) and have perfected telepathy.
Perform meaningful tasks
Unlike a boring old blanket, the Snuggie is equipped with two free-motion enabled sleeves. Never again will you have to feel like a mummy or an anaconda victim while trying to reach for the remote. In fact, there are plenty of things you can do while wearing one of these fantastic comfort devices! With the Snuggie you can:
- Reach for the remote
- Eat popcorn
- Pet your dog
- Sodomize your dog
- Write a love letter to your dog
- Defend yourself from your feline ex
- Do your homework
And many more!
Comfort unlike anything you have ever felt
Not only do blankets restrict your daily activities, they also fall short of the Snuggie in regards to snuggle-factor. The first component of the Snuggie's comfort is the wool used. The sheep have become genetically perfect to bear different colors and patterns: white, blue, mauve, beige, blood, invisible, and even Chicago Bulls Logo.
Yes, blankets also utilize wool, but the Snuggie also has one other secret weapon in the War on Comfort: Snuggle Bears. We sacrifice these cuddly, lovable creatures and mix their blood and vital organs into with the wool to produce a fabric that will keep you so warm that it will set off your fire alarm.
Many celebrities have made their favorable opinions of the Snuggie known! Here are some notable examples.
Barack Obama said:
|“||The Snuggie stands for change: no longer do we have to be suppressed by the conservative blankets. Armed with the Snuggies, we will march towards a better America.||”|
|“||PIKA PIKA PIIIII!||”|
And Mr. T said...
|“||I pity da foo who forgets his Snuggie.||”|
Even River Phoenix voiced his opinion!
Would you doubt the words of the lively, well-behaved River Phoenix? That would be just silly!
The free book light
Surely you have tried to read in the dark, and surely you have found that it is slightly difficult to do. This exquisite book light can attach to the title page of your book using a fortified gripping mechanism: it holds on tight so you can read all through the night. Never again will you have to purchase a book light: this book light is compatible with all forms of literature (minus e-books).
Yes we refer to it as a book light, but it also can be used to pleasure yourself... with the power to light your way through a dark house! Never again will you have to walk through the dark to reach your midnight snack. Never again will you have to fumble in the dark while swiping at the light switch! Dissenters argue that a flashlight would be more practical, but can a flashlight bend? No it cannot, but this book light can! It has a neck flexible enough to put a Yoga master to shame! You'll be able to bend it to illuminate in an infinite amount of directions, and you will purge the night of all darkness with a massive lighting range of three feet.
It also attracts moths: you'll be able to enjoy wildlife in the comfort of your home!
So call now
The number is 1-800-Snuggiez. That's 1-800-Snuggiez. Again, 1-800-Snuggiez. One last time, 1-800-Snuggiez. In case you forgot or did not hear, it's 1-800-Snuggiez.