Why?:Buy a ShamWow

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So you need to clean up from a bm-happy puppy, or perhaps some Juicy Juice spilled on the white carpet. Hell, maybe even the Juice made a bloody mess in the apartment complex you own. Regardless the situation, the ShamWow will be your best friend in sticky situations.

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Hi, it's Vince with ShamWow[edit]

Yes, it is that powerful

You'll be dictating your excitement every time you make use of this absorbent masterpiece. It works in a very similar way to chamois, towels, and Lady Macbeth's loofa. A standard towel cannot function while it is burdened with moisture. A side note before I move on: the Germans engineered this revolutionary item, so you will likely reach the conclusion that it is a quality product (even if you are of the chosen people: Moses attributes his success to the ShamWow). This work of art will properly carry out its tasks, be it wet, dry, or soaked in Duncan's blood.

Where it will work[edit]

This soakage-ridding device is suited for many a location. It will work in your automobile; your kitchen; your lavatory; the king's chamber. It will remove liquid from locations big or small; high or low; lower-class or royalty. It will even clean up blood from the hotel room where you just punched out a hooker. No matter where the spot, the ShamWow will out the damned spot.


According to Gallup Polls, the ShamWow has successfully purged over 2,000 beverage-stained carpets, 500 surfaces that are not the lawn, and evidence involved in a king's murder. In fact, it can hold twenty times its weight in liquid. Such an ability to bear unbelievable weight will buy any traitor sufficient time to escape the castle.

The many uses[edit]

A plethora of critics will tell you that the ShamWow suffers a setback in having only one role. However, the uses extend far beyond those of a standard towel.

  • Cut it in half- two bath mats magically appear!
  • Roll it up and attach a string- now you have a tampon!
  • Grab the ends and place it over your cheating wife's head- you can go back to being the great commander you once were!
  • Fold it over your knife- the kingdom is now yours!

Your ShamWow will never have a meaningless and idle existence!

You following me, reader?[edit]

Now euthanasia is not the only option!

I shall demonstrate the greatness of this invention. Now you'll have to excuse me: I have no means of visually recording this exhibition, but I trust that you will accept my written account instead. I'm going to perform this act in real-time. I shall place my dampened tunic upon the ShamWow. Now I am rolling the two up. Voila! My tunic is ready for a night of great amusement! Here is some cola: I shall empty this upon my carpet. That is not enough to prove my point: I will add some Francis Coppola Merlot to this growing mess. My coffee has become most frigid: onto the liquified heap with it! My dog wants to go outside: I think I'll allow it to add to this filthy collage. Wait a minute, is that the king of Scotland? His jugular will expel blood quite nicely onto my carpet! Now that I have a sufficient mess in front of me, I shall proceed with the demonstration.

I am laying the ShamWow upon the puddle as I write this sentence. Look at that, fifty percent of the liquid has taken residence in it! I did not even have to place pressure upon the magnificent fabric vacuum. Do you see that? The bottom feels dry despite having drawn in a substantial amount of wetness.


Billy Mays demonstrating the Zorbeez ShamWow!

My voice only travels so far in reaching the consumer, so allow these notable figures to sway you my way.

The late, great Billy Mays once exclaimed:

"The Zorbeez ShamWow is the most absorbent product I have ever endorsed!

Lindsay Lohan was by no means inebriated when she shouted:

All I can say is Shamw-HUUUAAAAGH

Even Lady Macbeth shared her opinion:

It is never too full o' th' milk of human kindness... or blood.

Now that you are aware of what I am speaking of[edit]

As I stated before, you will be announcing your fondness of the ShamWow in the form of a jovial "Wow." Hopefully you heed my words, and decide to make this worthwhile investment.

So call before you're too late![edit]

The number to place an order is 1-800-SHAMWOW; I repeat: 1-800-SHAMWOW; I cannot be doing this all day: 1-800-SHAMWOW.

And now I must pay a visit to the working girl off in the red light district.

See also[edit]