Why?:Buy a ShamWow
So you need to clean up from a bm-happy puppy, or perhaps some Juicy Juice spilled on the white carpet. Hell, maybe even the Juice made a bloody mess in the apartment complex you own. Regardless the situation, the ShamWow will be your best friend in sticky situations.
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Hi, it's Vince with ShamWow[edit]
You'll be dictating your excitement every time you make use of this absorbent masterpiece. It works in a very similar way to chamois, towels, and Lady Macbeth's loofa. A standard towel cannot function while it is burdened with moisture. A side note before I move on: the Germans engineered this revolutionary item, so you will likely reach the conclusion that it is a quality product (even if you are of the chosen people: Moses attributes his success to the ShamWow). This work of art will properly carry out its tasks, be it wet, dry, or soaked in Duncan's blood.
Where it will work[edit]
This soakage-ridding device is suited for many a location. It will work in your automobile; your kitchen; your lavatory; the king's chamber. It will remove liquid from locations big or small; high or low; lower-class or royalty. It will even clean up blood from the hotel room where you just punched out a hooker. No matter where the spot, the ShamWow will out the damned spot.
Statistics[edit]
According to Gallup Polls, the ShamWow has successfully purged over 2,000 beverage-stained carpets, 500 surfaces that are not the lawn, and evidence involved in a king's murder. In fact, it can hold twenty times its weight in liquid. Such an ability to bear unbelievable weight will buy any traitor sufficient time to escape the castle.
The many uses[edit]
A plethora of critics will tell you that the ShamWow suffers a setback in having only one role. However, the uses extend far beyond those of a standard towel.
- Cut it in half- two bath mats magically appear!
- Roll it up and attach a string- now you have a tampon!
- Grab the ends and place it over your cheating wife's head- you can go back to being the great commander you once were!
- Fold it over your knife- the kingdom is now yours!
Your ShamWow will never have a meaningless and idle existence!
You following me, reader?[edit]
I shall demonstrate the greatness of this invention. Now you'll have to excuse me: I have no means of visually recording this exhibition, but I trust that you will accept my written account instead. I'm going to perform this act in real-time. I shall place my dampened tunic upon the ShamWow. Now I am rolling the two up. Voila! My tunic is ready for a night of great amusement! Here is some cola: I shall empty this upon my carpet. That is not enough to prove my point: I will add some Francis Coppola Merlot to this growing mess. My coffee has become most frigid: onto the liquified heap with it! My dog wants to go outside: I think I'll allow it to add to this filthy collage. Wait a minute, is that the king of Scotland? His jugular will expel blood quite nicely onto my carpet! Now that I have a sufficient mess in front of me, I shall proceed with the demonstration.
I am laying the ShamWow upon the puddle as I write this sentence. Look at that, fifty percent of the liquid has taken residence in it! I did not even have to place pressure upon the magnificent fabric vacuum. Do you see that? The bottom feels dry despite having drawn in a substantial amount of wetness.
Testimonials[edit]
My voice only travels so far in reaching the consumer, so allow these notable figures to sway you my way.
The late, great Billy Mays once exclaimed:
| “ | "The |
” |
Lindsay Lohan was by no means inebriated when she shouted:
| “ | All I can say is Shamw-HUUUAAAAGH | ” |
Even Lady Macbeth shared her opinion:
| “ | It is never too full o' th' milk of human kindness... or blood. | ” |
Now that you are aware of what I am speaking of[edit]
As I stated before, you will be announcing your fondness of the ShamWow in the form of a jovial "Wow." Hopefully you heed my words, and decide to make this worthwhile investment.
So call before you're too late![edit]
The number to place an order is 1-800-SHAMWOW; I repeat: 1-800-SHAMWOW; I cannot be doing this all day: 1-800-SHAMWOW.
And now I must pay a visit to the working girl off in the red light district.