Why?:Am I not outside on a nice day like this?
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
It's a beautiful day outside. The birds are singing, the grass is green, and the children are playing happily in the yard. Yet here you are, sitting on your ass, staring at naughty stuff on your computer, possibly with one hand in a packet of chips and the other in your pants. It's times like this we often ask ourselves: "Why am I not outside on a nice day like this?"
Well, I'm not gonna sugar coat it for you, the world is a scary place. No matter how you look at it, the world is full of: murderers, rapists, government conspiracies and stupid people. I'm here to help you better understand the real reasons of just why you are inside on such a beautiful day.
You don't want to die
Ok, so listen up. I don't wanna die, and you don't wanna die. Or...maybe you do want to die. In which case, please skip this segment. Anyway, I've said it before, and I'll say it again, The world is a very dangerous place. One wrong move and you're face down in a puddle of vomit and mouth foam with a syringe in your wrist and getting your butt fucked by an unnaturally large man in a dungeon. Statistics show that you are more likely to be killed or kidnapped while outside of your home than anywhere else. But let's be a bit more specific.
Did you know that 9 in 10 people that you come into contact everyday have at least one violent thought a day? More than likely this thought is directed at you. Some people go so far as to act on these urges too. Now isn't that scary? I thought so. There are more than 64 murders that happen a day where ever it is that you live as well. Staying indoors is guaranteed to keep these crazed murderers from getting to you. Be sure to stock up on ramen noodles and yogurt, you never know how long you may have to stay inside.
Pedophiles/Rapists/Your next door neighbor
We've all seen these guys. On the street corner, at your local primary school, staring at you through the window. These guys are just walking penises, ready to strike on your soft, tender body like a king cobra. Please be sure that if you do go outside, wear protection, or at least stop bending over so damn much. Otherwise you'll be the 'butt' of the joke...literally.
These aren't the only ways you can die outside, but I'll let you figure the others out on your own. If, however, you do make the foolish, foolish decision to venture into the wild, then think again! For the love of god, PLEASE don't become another statistic. Far too many people have already died from going outside.
You're afraid of the sun
If you're like most people who spend up to 20 - 23 hours in their dark rooms, then you probably have some disability or 'skin condition' that debilitates you from being in the sun too long (just like milk!). Your skin turns red, you start to flake and before you know it, BOOM! Your body is unable to withstand the impact of the sudden heat causing you to ignite. Your skin is steamed like pastry and your organs are boiled like eggs, turning you into a human dim-sim. Scary, I know. If you are one of these people, there is a simple solution. Before you go outside (if you choose to) You must firstly, coat your entire body (including your eyes) with 50 spf sunscreen. The next thing you must do is insert your self-cooling heat-repelling arctic suppository. This should keep you nice and chilly. After this, get out your high powered flame retardant suit and put it on. You should be ready to head outside now. This isn't a completely sun proof option though, and your better off taking the alternative, which is to stay indoors, keep the windows and curtains closed, and cover yourself in tin foil, just to be safe.
You're afraid of the moon
You're probably reading this going "What in the fuckety fuck are you talking about, mister?" or something along those lines. But trust me, although it isn't as common as most causes of Agoraphobia (fear of going outside), it is still enough to give anyone the heebie jeebies. So here's the scenario: You're inside and you look out the window and think to yourself "What a lovely day! I think I might nip out for a quick walk". So you leave your house, take a few steps, then everything gets cold...and dark. Everybody looks up to the sky in terror as the once "lovely day" has turned into a holocaust nightmare, as instead of a sun, a blood red moon is there in its place. People are shouting and screaming in horror! Well, just what the fuck do you do in a situation like that?! This theory has been studied by scientists for decades, even dating back to the Renaissance years, but so far nothing has proved any results.
This would give us the impression thats it's safe to go outside, but you couldn't be more wrong. I mean, just look at that moon...plotting, thinks it's the king of the world. You never know when it's gong to release its inner cunt and cause an apocalypse, do ya? There is an estimated 2% of the Earth's population that believe this myth. Won't that other 98% feel so ridiculous when the world ends?
You're afraid of flowers, fun or happiness
Anthophobia is the fear of flowers. But I'm not going to get all scientific on yo ass. I'm going to explain this section with a little more thought. Why are you really scared of flowers and fun? Is it a traumatic experience you had as a child? Are you allergic? Are you depressed? Whatever the case is, I'm here to explain the truth, not be your therapist. Being afraid of flowers and happiness is nothing to be afraid of, but it is something to fear. There have been numerous case of happiness/fun related injuries and deaths all over the globe. People just don't know how to control themselves, and these mistakes can often times be deadly. This may not be your reason for staying inside, but it is a good reason to stay inside. Please heed this warning!
You prefer watching porn than having real sex
Hey, don't get me wrong, porn's great, but it can come at a dangerous cost. All over the world people are constantly watching porn day after day after day and, in turn, are losing liters upon liters of body fluids. Why? Oh I'll tell you why. Because the government is trying to seduce our minds with their sweet porn so we all become stagnant and can't provide for ourselves. It's all a mighty ruse, and fortunately you are here to understand the ultimate truth. Hey, like I said earlier, the world is a scary place. If you are busy watching porn all day every day, then this is the only time I will ever tell you to get off your computer. It's as much for you as it is for me.
That's not it either. Real sex can be pleasurable, but also deadly. I'm sure you all did Sex Ed in primary school, but for all you poor souls who didn't get a chance to, then listen up. Do you know how it feels to piss needles for a month? Or for your cock to glow bright red and drop off? Or maybe you have heard of the common myth that excessive sex leads to: HIV, AIDS, Rabies, Genital Warts, Penis Jam (similar to toe-jam but on your penis), Cancer, Super AIDS, Explosive Diarrhea, Erectile Dysfunction, Flaccid Dysfunction, Melanoma, Excessive hair growth, Dead Willy, Rotting Flesh, Pregnancy (for both genders) Raising the dead, and even Death? Well unfortunately these so called 'myths' are in fact true. It's scary to think about I know. But to protect yourselves from these things, the best option would be to just stop watching porn, stop having sex (if you already have), stop thinking about sex, and most importantly, keep yourself secluded from the public (even your family, you sick bastard). You'll be a safer person if you do.
You don't like dealing with stupid people
Hey, I'm with you on this one. It can make you want to do yourself in when your walking down the street and some idiot asks you something stupid like: "If the sky is blue, then how come we can't see it from space?" or "How do chickens lay two kinds of eggs? The ones we eat and the ones that hatch?". I know it can be difficult to overcome these idiotic boundaries, and it can make you want to spend the rest of your life locked in your closet with the lights off rethinking if you should go on a killing spree or not, and I would suggest you should. A little wishful thinking is perfect for overcoming boundaries.
You are busy reading this list
Well then, stop reading! What do you want me to do about it?
You simply don't want to go outside
Then there's a slight chance that you could be one of the very few people who simply just don't want to go outside...ever. Either you've read an article like this before, you experienced this first hand, or maybe you are just naturally lazy/cautious. If this is you, well, then you don't need me. You must have this thing already figured out. Good for you. You're a smarter man/woman than me.
Are you scared of going outside now? If you aren't, then dim the lights and read this article over again. If you are, then good. The world is a dangerous place, I don't know how I can stress that enough. I'm sorry if you are afraid, It wasn't my intention...kinda. But it's about time we learned the real truth. Like Pope Francis once said, "A tree is a tree, how many more do you need to look at". Granted, he did say this after 7 beers, but the message is still there.
In turn, I hope you really have learned something today. If you haven't learned a thing, then only god can save you now. If you have learned a lot and are going to apply this knowledge in the future, good for you, and good luck. If you have only learned a few things, well then I'm not fussed, good job.
It is now that I bid adieu. Stay fresh everybody, and remember, sooner or later, the world will attempt to fuck us. Either that or your neighbor will. Farewell.