When Suicide Goes Wrong
|Shhhhhh! This is a humour free zone.
“Failing at suicide is like failing at failing”
It is very rare for killing yourself to go wrong, and it is usually only possible through a fatal error. However, due to amazing human prowess and Emo kid incompetency, there are a variety of ways to fail at suicide. The most famous failed self-cide is that of JFK, which was totally unsuccessful and caused someone to shoot him. Some ways to fail include using elastic to hang yourself, injecting soap into your veins (which actually clears blood clots), shooting yourself with a flare gun, cry yourself to sleep, inhaling oxygen and waiting for the pollution to kill you, complaining about how life sucks to your friends who don't give a rat's ass, giving yourself paper cuts and jumping off a high-dive. There is a great moral dilemma over whether failing is better than succeeding at Suicide
The Experience of Failing at Myself-cide
All accounts suggest that failing to kill yourself is a deeply embarrassing and often painful process. First, this failure reassures the belief that they are in fact useless at everything. Second, injecting soap into your veins creates an unpleasant sensation known as horrific and abominable pain. Many reattempt the process after consulting an expert, or professional Emo. Proffessional emos can cut their wrist with anything on hand, including CDs, spoons, fortune cookies, dollar bills or in the lack of anything else, their fingernails (which are painted black). These few survive time and time again to pass on the knowledge of how to end your life and rid the world of another whiner. The also live just to make the world suffer Emo Music.
What To Do When Self-cide Goes Wrong
When self-cide goes wrong, you know you're really not worth killing, just not worth it. But if youre not worth it, than wouldnt you kill yourself because youre worthless? But that doesn't work, so you stop trying. OR you can get advice from people with experience in successful self-cide. Oh but than theyre dead, so yeah...
Maybe you should like run in front of a truck or something. Think of it this way, if you dont die, you can always become happier by blaming the driver and suing him!
When to comit Your Name-cide
|my mood ring
If this ring indicates you are tense, restless, frustrated, uncertain, jittery, stressed or nervous you should commit Your Self-cide.
Making Sure Me-cide Goes Right
There is only one way to guarantee success at suicide. Go into the middle of detroit after emptying your bank account. Start counting your money at midnight. Not only does this guarantee an end to your life, it also makes sure some nice men in uniforms will take an interest, thus supplying them with work and making your life (or death) have purpose. The uniform people will also likely mutilate and rape your corpse.
This page makes me depressed. I'm going to go consult the ancient emo masters and cut myself.