Wheeling Jesuit University/Legal System/Crimethink Laws of 1973

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In 1973, after the fall of Fr. Rom, Wheeling Jesuit University administrators looked to prevent any more "Prague Spring-ish events" from taking place on campus. As such, a series of laws were passed at the end of '73 that would seriously limit the ability for legitimate information to travel on campus.

The Run Down[edit]

To prevent the pesky spread of ideas such as democracy and free speech from reaching campus, administrators, led by Queen Maher - who had her own reasons for suppressing certain information from getting out - set out to enact a comprehensive set of laws that would in effect, create a second dark age on campus. To prevent ideas that are "Dangerous To The Regime" from spreading, they came up with the following:

To ensure the safety and well being of the campus dynamic, the following activities are forbidden and shall be punished by exile or death - which ever happens to be the most convenient at the time. All laws listed after this shall be know to the people and slaves as Crimethink laws.

  • Discussing people using their proper names or any identifiable handle is illegal.
  • Discussing the faults of the administration, no matter how liable they may be, is illegal.
  • Discussing the current disposition of the faculty and staff is illegal.
  • Discussing the species of certain administrators is illegal.
  • Sending helpful, easy-to-read emails containing information that can be utilized by the student body is illegal
  • Providing so called 'constructive' criticism is illegal.
  • To call into question any policy the University undertakes, now matter how ridiculous or life threatening is illegal.
  • Breakfast pastry is forbidden as a topic of discussion.
  • The state of campus buildings may never be discussed. Ever.
  • The food service may never be discussed.

These were the first. After a 6 month trial run, it was made law. In 1977, there was an addition:

  • Anything that ever happens on campus can never be discussed. There should be no reason for any student to speak on campus at any time for any reason, even if a piano happens to fall on you foot.
One student who broke her silence during a most unfortunate piano moving accident.

More Recent Times[edit]

The arrival of the internets in 1988 proved troublesome, and a few adjustments were made. Since students could send emails detailing their experience, access to the internet was at first forbidden. After they realized they could use it for their own purposes, they installed a system so poorly designed, that any attempts at leaving the schools web page would almost certainly result in a 404 and a visit from the gestapo.

The Laws of 1973 also paved the way for Double Secret Probation legislation that occurred in the 2000s under the leaderships of Chris Bling and Great White Mother.