University of North Florida
| University of North Florida | |
|---|---|
 Looking north from campus with JEA power station in background | |
| Motto | U Never Finish |
| Established | 1950 |
| School type | Public |
| Head | Cobra Commander |
| Location | Jacksonville, Florida, U.S. |
| Campus | 2,000 acres |
| Endowment | $34.848 |
| Mascot | Ospreys |
The University of North Florida is located in Jacksonville, Florida. It was founded in 1950 by a group of wandering alcoholics who washed ashore in nearby Jacksonville Beach. It boasts a large percentage of rednecks and is fondly referred to as U Never Finish (UNF) by its student body. Current University President Cobra Commander of the SS Dead Weight hopes to demolish the stigma surrounding this institution.
History[edit]
The land the campus is currently on is a former landfill that closed in 1949 due to public health concerns. In 1950, a pack of drunkards began squatting in an abandoned cargo container which is currently Founders' Hall. Since then, the school has expanded at an exponential rate despite not being accredited by the Department of Education.
Curriculum[edit]
Since its inception the University has been notorious for changing its curriculum constantly. To date, the university has changed curriculum 24,354 times, making it nearly impossible for most to graduate. Most freshman will spend at least ten years attempting to satisfy all of their requirements in four year programs with the university often changing requirements mid-semester. Popular courses include Basket Weaving (both above and below sea-level), Evolution: A Feminist Perspective, and Ghostbusting.
Parking[edit]
With a student body totaling 16,000 the University has only 4,000 parking spaces. An investigation was launched after "Bloody Monday" in which 1,300 undergrads died in a bloody battle amongst each other to obtain parking spaces before the first day of class Fall 2007. The investigatory panel concluded that the number of parking spaces was being limited by the University so they could keep the tuition money already paid by the deceased. The scandal forced the University to construct several new parking lots. However these news lots (18, 53) are located 32 miles from campus and a valid passport is required to ride the shuttle bus. In response to student outrage the administration produced two brochures entitled Where the fuck is lot 53?? & So you paid $90 to park in a different area code to ease student frustration. School developers also believed it was a great idea to build more useless buildings over the few existing parking spaces to cut the number of spaces even more.
There has been an unwritten rule scince bloody monday that the first week of school is a free for all (no ticking) after a massive walk out by parking services. This desicion was made on Shitty Tuesday when 2,000 undergrads stormed parking services and crucified the Head of Parking Services sideways, Black Jesus Style.
Library[edit]
The Thomas G. Carpenter library was originally built in 1973. During construction the project was drastically underfunded and mismanaged. Soon after building was completed the Environmental Protection Agency attempted to have the building condemned after it was discovered that the structure was ridden with asbestos and lead paint. Today the library is a place where students come to pass out
The Osprey[edit]
No one actually knows what an Osprey is. Some say it is a mythical bird, capable of world destruction and others claim that it is no more than a sea pigeon. One thing that is certain, is that it is profoundly gay. This is evident by the large Goose population that has left a fine layer of feces over the entire campus