UnScripts:Smokey on O'Reilly

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The O'Reilly Factor has definitely created many a hubub in its time, and the following transcript shows us one of said brouhahas. Smokey the Bear, who had just published his autobiography Fight Fire with Water, was invited onto the conservative talk show on July 2005. Let's just say that what happened that night was nothing short of an outright flamefest, hyuk hyuk.

The Transcript[edit]

O'REILLY: Today on the factor we have notable anti-forest fire lobbyist and liberal Smokey the Bear on the show, who is here to talk about why he support initiatives to prevent the freedoms of lit cigarettes, and to push his new book "It Only Takes a Spark." Mr. Bear, welcome to the factor.

Bill O'Reilly to Bear "Shut up!"

BEAR: Very nice to be here.

O'REILLY: I've said many times on this show and in my book and in my columns that I think you're the wrongest person in Wrongsville.

BEAR: I've heard.

O'REILLY: What I don't understand is why you pretend to care about the forest so much when-.

BEAR: Excuse me, pretend?

O'REILLY: Why you pretend to care-

BEAR: Look, douchebag, my mother died in a forest fire when I was [censored]ing three months old, and now-

O'REILLY: That's very sad.

BEAR: Damn right it's sad it's

((crosstalk)) O'REILLY: Ok, let's just talk about your book, "It Only Takes a Spark." What would you say you want to accomplish with this book, other than brainwashing our children to your agenda?

BEAR: I'm only teaching them what parents should be teaching themselves, that they need to take care to put out their campfire with water and dirt to prevent forest fires.

O'REILLY: So you think hard working Christian Americans should be deprived the right to let their fires burn?

BEAR: Now when you put it like that it sounds wrong.

O'REILLY: It is wrong.

BEAR: Wanting to protect the lives of my furry comrades is wrong?

O'REILLY: Yeah, "comrades," I'll have you know I'm boycotting France.

BEAR: It's Russian.

Smokey the Bear (the shovel is for his lies)

O'REILLY: Whatever, everyone knows people who use the word "comrade" is a communist and hates America. Why do you hate America?

BEAR: I will not stand for you putting these words in my muzzle, Bill, now are we going to sit here and discuss the facts or are we going to resort to childish insults and insinuations?

O'REILLY: Alright, fine, I'll play your game. How about you explain why, without your liberal rhetoric, you support the initiative to ban throwing lit cigarettes out of cars.

BEAR: A single lit cigarette can cost the lives of millions of forest animals, and-

O'REILLY: Look, an overwhelming majority of lit cigarettes do not start forest fires, and yet you're grouping them all into the group and saying that they do. These are absolute facts, they cannot be disputed. These forest animals, by the way, chose to lead their deviant lifestyle and they made that decision knowing full well the chances they were taking, why should we protect them because of a foolish choice they made?

BEAR: Excuse me, a choice? No one chooses to be a forest animal, Bill, it's genetic.

O'REILLY: Yeah, get back to me on that when Science finally finds the genetic link to forest animals.

BEAR: No one I know chose to be a forest animals, I didn't choose to be a forest animal, it is not a choice! On the other paw, YOU chose to be an arrogant prick, maybe we should set YOU on fire.

O'REILLY: I can't believe you're saying that to the third most powerful man in America.

BEAR: (laughter) Surely you mean Howard Dean and not yourself.

O'REILLY: Why do you hate America?

BEAR: I don't hate America, I love it and don't want to see its beautiful forests-

O'REILLY: All right, he's getting belligerent, cut his mic. This is exactly the pro-Forest rhetoric I can expect from a liberal ideologue such as yourself, and I'm certain your mother is very disappointed in your actions in not supporting the freedom of lit cigarettes. When we come back, we'll have Senator Rick Santorum to discuss why gay people creep us out.