UnNews talk:Sheep on rooftop threatens to jump!
From Pee[edit]
| Humour: | 7 | Sheep? Doing stupid things? In Yarksher? I'm offended, I really am. Frankly, you're mislaying your cliches - if you'd written an article called "Yorkshireman not at the toilet when it's his round", apart from the fact that it would have been too unbelievable to be funny, I could have understood it. Anyways...
There's some good and some not so much. It's an inherently funny concept - a sheep who wants to commit suicide in protest, climbing on to the roof of a house to commit suicide, and no-one realising for hours. But it doesn't quite hit the spot, precisely because it's not quite sure of itself. There are some bits that are funny - thoe quotes, the fact that the fireman had to try and talk him down, the idea of sheep round the country threatening to jump of buildings. |
| Concept: | 7 | It's pretty good, though I'm not sure that you've got entirely clear in your own head what your angle quite is. And it's a shame, because the concept is there - a sheep, distressed at the world, climbed on to the roof to commit suicide. Where is his message? His reason for getting on the roof? His protest at the cruelty of the world?
News is an interesting medium to write. For it to work, you have to remember to structure it right. The first third will be read by everyone who reads the article, so the facts go in that bit. The next third will be read by half the people, so put a bit more detail and a bit of comment. The last third will only be read by a few, so that's where you put the minutiae. |
| Prose and formatting: | 6 | I think you probably know that this could be better. There's a fair few typos throughout, which you'd probably want to edit out before you put it on to mainspace - two PM (should be 2pm), consumtion (consumption) it's (should be its - only use an apostrophe when you mean 'it is')... |
| Images: | 8 | Good, if a little dry. I wouldn't expect to see an more pictures than this in an UnNews article, so the only criticsms would be that the captions could be a little funnier. |
| Miscellaneous: | 7 | Average of the above. |
| Final Score: | 35 | Ok, well - It seems like a really harsh review, but it's not. You're a good writer, and certainly able to tell others what works and what doesn't. In reviewing it I've tried to give useful feedback. My one thing would be to get concept and structure right - if you get that, the funniness will hit home perfectly. |
| Reviewer: | User:Gladstone/sig 21:37, 2 August 2008 (UTC) | |
