UnBooks:Slaying Dragons For Dummies
- You may be looking for HowTo:Commit Suicide and not even know it!
So, you've been charged with slaying the Dragon. *Note, this book only deals with slaying dragons. For other mystical creatures and related material, see separate book*. This may be for one of many reasons. You may wish to capture the beautiful Maiden who the dragon has captured, you may be after treasure stolen from your ancestors long ago, or maybe you might just be plain stupid. No difference, this book is going to help you slay the Dragon.
Preparing for Journey
The mountain/volcano/volcano mountain where the Dragon’s Lair is located is no doubt really far away. When packing for the journey remember a few things:
- Always pack just enough so that you start to run out three quarters of the way, this will make for a more exiting adventure.
- When picking weaponry, make sure you name your weapon. Excalibur, Sting, Dave, it does not matter.
- Always assume you will get a majority of the supplies needed from people along the way that show up just in time to save your life.
Doubtlessly a few brave souls may volunteer to help you along the way. This includes, but is not limited to, Dwarves, Elves, and Nasty Little Hobbitses depending on realm of lore. Take as much help as you can get, extra party members will die off quickly and make for good cannon fodder. When choosing the crew of your party, make sure you always get at least one character that seems as if he might betray you and the rest of your party, this again helps keep the adventure exiting. Also, see if you can find one Fat Person who will slow the party down and complicate moving over obstacles. However, make sure he has a good sense of humor and can make up for his incapability with a funny comment every now and then.
Starting the Journey
After a few tearful good buy’s, it is time to start your journey. Check your map to see if the Dragon’s Lair is East or North. (The Dragon’s Lair is ALWAYS to the East or North) Depending upon your heading, scroll down the article to the paragraph that best describes your journey.
The Journey North
So, the Dragon’s Lair is to the North. Start your journey by traveling in the most obvious direction, north. In the first few days, you and your party should be telling stories and singing songs until you get farther away from home when a gloomy mood will start to set in. At this point, there should be no singing or storytelling and the weather should start to get bad. While you are traveling, do not look at your map. Assume you know the area well enough and that you can lead your party through safely. You will soon become hopelessly lost in a very large forest. Pause for a moment and have a long argument with your crew. Finally, your group should split in deciding which way is the right way to go. You will lead a few people in the direction you think you should be going, and someone else (preferably the guy who looks like he is going to betray you, but not necessarily) will lead the other few people in the complete opposite direction, where they think the right way is. You should now be aimlessly wandering through the forest. Depending on the size of the forest, this may take hours or days to get through. Just when all hope seems lost, you will find some way out. Set up camp and start to forage for food and supplies. In the middle of the night when you are all sitting around the fire the other group of people will stumble out of the forest and there will be much rejoicing, you thought they were dead. However, the jerk who was leading them will most likely have managed to let one or two people get lost or die. Nevertheless, keep traveling the next day. You will soon come to some sort of mountain range, the name of which is either very depressing or hard to pronounce. Start to climb the mountain. After a few days you will soon realize that the mountains are much larger than you previously thought. When you are about halfway up you will discover a cave leading deep inside the mountain. You will then have to make a decision; will you climb over the rest of the mountain, or go through the caves to the other side? The caves will most likely be wrought with danger, decide to go through them anyway because you think it will be faster than climbing over. When it gets too dark to see, make sure you only light one torch… and give that one torch to the Fat Guy. After awhile of traveling the Fat Guy will lose his footing, drop the torch, and a panic will ensue. In all of the commotion, you will hear a shrill noise… you are not alone in this cave… the Fat Guy will finally get up, relight the torch, and you will see a group of spiders/goblins/Paris Hilton Bugs standing right in front of you! The pursuers will likely go after the Fat Guy, seeing as he is the slowest, but remember, he is at the head of the pack, so you need to hurry past him. Run haphazardly through the caves until, miraculously, you find an exit. The spiders/goblins/Paris Hilton Bugs do not like the sun, so you are safe for now. Take a head count; you, the Fat Guy, the guy who looks like he is going to betray you, and only a few others have made it out of the cave alive. You notice the exit to the caves have only taken you to the summit of the mountains, not all the way through, so you will need to continue down and off the mountains. The journey down the mountains will be incredibly easy, this way you can think about the loss of your friends in the caves and become horribly depressed. Once you reach the bottom of the hills, you will notice in the distance you can see the mountain of the Dragon’s Lair! (Continue to paragraph entitled “Dragon’s Lair”)
The Journey East
So, the Dragon’s Lair is to the East. As in the journey north, the start of your journey should be a very enjoyable time, and then after a few days spirits die and the weather will get bad (when the weather is not horrible your party should be getting attacked by bugs). Seeing as your journey is below the snow line, you will encounter a variety of unfamiliar flora and fauna; keep this in mind. As in the journey north, there will also likely be a massive forest in the way. You will not need a map for this particular section of the journey, there is only one path through the forest and as long as you do not leave it, you should be ok. This forest should take a really long time to get through, to the point where your insufficient food supplies will run dry. The Fat Guy, becoming desperately hungry, will try to eat a plant he finds on the side of the road despite warnings from fellow party members. The plant is not likely lethal, but should knock him out so now three people have to help move his fat ass through the rest of the forest. A few more days will pass and now everyone is becoming sick with hunger. At some point, you think you see a light off of the path, and want to go see who it is so they could possibly help you. Send a few members of your party to go investigate, even though you were warned to not leave the path. These members of the party will not return alive, so don’t bother waiting for them; you are desperately hungry and should hurry forward. Also as in the journey north, just as you think all hope is lost, you find the end of the forest. At the edge of the forest there should be some kind of old man living in a hut that can help you resupply for the rest of your journey. Luckily the old man knew how to heal the Fat Guy, so he can continue to complicate your journey. After a short stay with him, continue your journey. You will soon come to a massive swamp (The Swamp of Forgotten Heroes, The Swamp of Death, ext). The old man told you of this swamp, and that the only way around it is through it. The swamp is not nearly as large as the forest, and will probably only take a day or so to get through. The first few hours the water will only be up to your ankles or so, but farther into the swamp the water will get about waist-deep or to the point where you might have to swim. Now, one thing the old man forgot to mention was the flesh eating monster that lives in the swamp. You will not notice him at first, he will take a member of your party under water silently; you will not even notice he is gone for a few minutes. Then somebody will notice his disappearance and say something, and you order a halt to look for him. One person of your party will start to say something, when suddenly he will be dragged under also. At this point you should hurry through the rest of the swamp. Going through the rest of the swamp should go smoothly, aside from the occasional party member being dragged under by the monster. When you finally reach the other side, you will notice the Fat Guy managed to survive somehow, and you can see the mountain of the Dragon’s Lair in the distance! (Continue to paragraph entitled “Dragon’s Lair”)
The Dragon’s Lair
You finally made it. You shouldn't feel too proud of yourself, it only took three paragraphs to get here, and there is still a long climb to get to the Dragon.
As you gaze upon the mountain, the area should be littered with the remains of people who failed to slay the Dragon in the past. The Fat Guy will probably lose his nerve at this point; slap him in the face while yelling “There’s no time!” You will notice there is a nicely carved out path leading up the first part of the mountain, follow it up. However, make sure you do not go first, there is likely a trap or old rock face about to fall off somewhere and you don’t want to be the first to discover it. As you go farther up the path, the trail will get narrower; to the point where you will have to walk single file. At this point the part of the path where you are standing will give away, a tense moment will follow where you lose your grip with one hand. Just as you are about to fall to your death, the guy who looks like he is going to betray you will grab your hand and pull you up. It wrong of you to judge him before you got to know him. At the end of the path there will be an opening with some kind of door. The door will likely be locked, and if nobody answers when you knock, try saying “open says me”. That usually works. Also, look underneath the doormat or a nearby rock for the key.
This is it. This is what you have spent the last three paragraphs preparing for. At this point you should all be scared out of your mind; the Fat Guy may have passed out. Now, for the slaying of the Dragon… Here’s the deal… Nobody has ever successfully slayed a Dragon, so we don’t have any information to give you… so… Good luck! It's also a very small dragon. More like a fire breathing gecko.