UnBooks:HowToBasic's Guide To Cooking

As one of the greatest minds of our generation, HowToBasic is a pioneer in the field of easy tips and tricks that an ordinary person can use to achieve perfection. Since his first video, published in 2000, he has proceeded to demonstrate in mere minutes what would take an ordinary human being hours or days. This book is a comprehensive guide to some of HowToBasic's recipes, with a few recipes of my own (inspired by HowToBasic) included. I hope that that this book can help you in your path to becoming a discoverer of secrets, and also that you have fun

How to make apple pie

A dish often baked by pie makers, apple pie is one of the most American dishes ever created. Whether you need it for the fourth of July, or just want a sweet, healthy dessert, apple pie is the perfect dish for you. Remember, if you are under 13, get a parents permission and help before baking this dish, because you will need to use an oven and possibly a knife.

You will need

• 5 apples
• A cheese grater
• 1 pound of flour
• 1 pie tin
• 3 pounds of sugar
• A meat grinder
• A blender
• 1 box of snausages
• 500 eggs
• 1 cat
• 1 gallon of milk
• A plate

Procedure

1. First, wash your hands. This is probably the most important step in cooking, as it helps to prevent the spreading of food bourne illnesses.
2. Preheat your oven to 700 degrees.
3. First, you will want to put the snausages through the meat grinder. This will make them easier to process. Next, you should blend the snausages. Don't put the lid on just yet, because when you blend stuff with the lid, it lowers the air circulation. While it is blending, drop in a few eggs.
4. Pour the liquid in the blender into the pie tray. Don't worry if it overflows, that just means you made a little bit too much. Simply pour the excess batter onto the floor.
5. Next, you are going to want to peel the apples. Vigorously rub them on the grater until there is no skin left. Put them through the meat grinder and then into the blender. Again, don't put on the lid.
6. While the mix is blending, open the lid and pour in the sugar. Let it sit for a couple of minutes, then pour it into the pie tin.
7. Put the pie tin upside-down onto the plate, and then put it into the oven. Set your kitchen timer for 15 minutes.
8. Keep the pie refridgerated until you serve it. To reheat it, just microwave it for about 30 seconds on high.

How to make brownies

Brownies are a traditional dish that have been enjoyed by families for many years. HowToBasic has put a new twist on the age old recipe, by adding in fish, another delicious treat. This recipe requires the use of an oven, so if you are under 13, make sure you have a parent help you while you bake this.

You will need

• A large square tray
• A kg of flour
• A blender
• 1 salmon
• 1 bottle of chocolate syrup
• 1 gallon of milk
• 4 eggs

Procedure

1. Wash your hands. Preheat the oven to 600 degrees. Take off your pants.
2. First, you are going to want to sprinkle a light dusting of flour onto the bottom of the tray so that the brownies don’t stick to the tray after you bake them. You don’t want to completely cover the bottom of the tray, or the bottom of the brownies will be too dry.
3. After you have dusted the bottom of the tray, pour the remaining flour into the blender.
4. Pour the bottle of syrup into the blender. Don’t mix it quite yet, there still is more to be added.
5. Pour three cups of milk into the blender. Don’t close the lid, as it reduces the air circulation, which prevents your brownies from becoming light and fluffy.
6. Turn on the blender. As the syrup, milk, and flour continue to blend, pour more milk in. It probably will overflow, but don’t worry, that is supposed to happen.
7. Put the eggs, one at a time, into the blender. Make sure that you do it one at a time, otherwise they won’t mix properly.
8. Put the fish head first into the blender. For the first few seconds, you will have to hold it in, otherwise it will fly away.
9. Add in a bit more flour, wait a few seconds for it to mix in, then gradually turn the blender off.
10. Pour the mix onto the tray. Holding the blender upside-down, hit it on the tray to make sure all the mix gets out.
11. Open the oven and put the tray in. Set the timer for 1 minute.
12. Take the brownies out of the oven and put them into a cage. If you don’t do this, the fish may try to escape to the nearest source of water.
13. Serve.

How to make fruit salad

One of the easiest, yet most fulfilling dishes to make is the fruit salad. Fruit salad is a rather unique dish, because of how easily you can customize it depending on what fruits you have, or what you prefer to eat. Because there are so many combinations, this guide will only demonstrate one, which was originally created by the master, HowToBasic.

You will need

• 2 Bananas
• 1 Watermelon
• 1 Orange
• 5 Plums
• 4 Kiwi
• 200g of grapes
• 983 Eggs
• A Large Bowl
• Paper Towels

Procedure

1. First, you will want to make sure that you are cooking in a sanitary condition. Make sure to wash off your fruits and hands before you begin the process. Take off your pants.
2. Take a paper towel and lay it on the table. Put the five plums onto the paper towel.
3. Smash the plums, preferably all at once. If you do it correctly, the plums should seem to "explode". As soon as you are done, gather the plums and place them into the bowl.
4. Next, take the kiwis and the grapes, put them on the paper towel, and smash them. Proceed to put the remains into the bowl with the plums.
5. Take the bananas, and knead them until they form a thick, yellow, paste. Take as much of the paste as you can hold in one handful, and dump it into the bowl. Do not worry if there is any peel in the salad, it adds tex
6. Take 5 eggs, and arrange them into a circle in the center of the table. Smash them all, then take the yolks and add them to the mix. This will prevent your salad from falling apart.
7. Next, you are going to want to put the watermelon into the center of the table. Lightly tap on the top of it, until you can hear a dull thunk. Punch this point until the watermelon breaks over, spilling its juicy innards. Like you did with the banana, knead the red insides of the watermelon until you have a watery pulp. Put this into the bowl.
8. Take half of the watermelon and put it into the bowl. Put an egg on the watermelon.
9. Refrigerate the dish until you are ready to serve it. This dish can serve approximately 83 people.

How to make waffles

Waffles are one of the most common breakfast dishes due to their simplicity to make and versatility of styles. There are blueberry waffles, chocolate chip waffles, pancakes and even strawberry waffles. But none are as good as the one true waffle. Yes, HowToBasic discovered the epitome of all breakfasts: The Waffle Waffle. It is said that one taste can give immortality. It is also said that one taste can instantly kill you. The question is: Are you worthy of the waffle?

You will need

• 12 eggs
• 1 goat’s heart or a picture of a goat
• A large stuffed doll
• A large bowl
• 7 candles
• A waffle iron
• 3 gallons of milk
• 12 more eggs
• 1 kilogram of sugar
• 3 pounds of flour
• 3 square waffles
• A wooden spoon

Procedure

1. Wash your hands, making sure you get the area under your fingernails. Many food-bourne illnesses can be under that. Also, take off your pants.
2. Gather your supplies. You will need them close at hand in case anything in the ritual goes wrong.
3. Go into your attic or basement. If you do not have either of these, anywhere with a low light level will work.
4. Pour in all the flour and sugar. Try not to spill.
5. Pour in one gallon of milk, and then mix until fully saturated. Once you have done that, pour in a second gallon of milk. Mix thoroughly again.
6. Place your foot into the bowl and continue to mix. This is because you must put a sample of your DNA in the mix for the ritual to work.
7. Smash 7 eggs at equal intervals around the bowl. Put the candles on top of the smashed eggs and light them.
8. Put one of the waffles into the batter. Place the picture or heart of the goat into the bowl.
9. Smash an egg on the top candle. If this does not put out the candle, turn on the lights and run. Run as far as you can, and sleep where your body drops. You will know in the morning if you are safe.
10. If the candle did go out, then pinch out the candles one by one going clockwise from the top.
11. Take a hair from your leg and put it into the mix.
12. Open the waffle iron, put four eggs in, then slam the lid down until the eggs are destroyed.
13. After smashing it four or five times, you should find a picture of waffles in the iron. On top of the picture, there should be two waffles. Take the waffles.
14. Rub each waffle on your leg, then put them back into the waffle iron. Close it and throw it at the wall as hard as you can.
15. Taking some of the yolk, draw a line on your foot, then onn the waffle iron. There should be a condom in the interior of the waffle iron. Put it on your left foot.
16. Take the doll and bash it in the batter you made earlier. Pour the third gallon of milk into the bowl, then submerge the head of the doll in it. After a few seconds, let go of the doll and punch its head into the bowl. Try to fit the whole doll into the bowl.
17. Knock the bowl off the table and use your foot to try to push the doll into the bowl.
18. Gather as much of the batter as possible from the floor. Serve.