UnBooks:Bailey School Kids In "Space Ghost Doesn't Play Hockey,Goddammit!
By Marcia Thornton Jones
Okay,so there's these nutjob kids down at this school,which apparently monsters go to...I think. There's two guys and one chick..or two..or--shit. Let's just say there's two of each,fair? Fair. There names are Albert and Dishpan McDiscopants or some shit. I dunno for no they'll just be Toothpaste-Mouth, Groovedog, Harry,and Tic-Tac. Toothpaste-Mouth is a resourceful,intelligent,13 year-old who may actually be 54 and a convicted child molester. Groovedog is a bitchy white chick,that's about as far as her character goes really. Tic-Tac is black, again really there's not much ground to cover. Harry is annoying and everyone hates him, no reason has ever been given, he suffers from a disease called Cucumberosis which at random instances makes him think he's a cucumber. They all solve mysteries for some reason,to my experience that's all teenagers do, they also have more free time then that guy up the street who makes prank calls in Klingon, they unsurprisingly have no love lives.
Chapter One:"Meet Mr.Teh Baggel"
"So,Groovedog,what'd j00 do last night?",Asked Toothpaste-Mouth innocently.
'Your mom,your girlfriend,and your dog,moth-fucker! BAM!',Spouted Harry,excitedly
"Fuck you Har--Wait what? My dog?"
"Hellz yeah! It was oooooooooon last night,son! I did it so hard it died!"
"Jesus,Harry! What the fuck? Go to Hell,Harry!",Retorted Toothpaste Mouth,who promptly went to a corner and cried.
"Cucumbers can't go Hell,moth-fucker! BAM!",Everyone on the playground started looking at him weird, especially when they realized he wasn't wearing pants. And when he realized he wasn't wearing pants he quickly did a disturbing "jack-hammer" sort of motion with his pelvis. Everyone started screaming because they had no idea what the fuck was going on. At lunchtime everyone would promptly agree that that was probably the freakiest shit they'd seen since The Exorcist. But,suddenly a man appeared out of nowhere wearing a yellow cape and a black cowl,and a business suit.
"Kids,could you tell Mr.Teh Baggel what in the name of God is going on here?",He asked a small crying kindergartner.
"Who the fuck's Mr.Teh Baggel?",She asked.
"Me. I'm your knew literature teacher."
"Oh. Well,there's this mean guy running around not wearing pants and,and,and doing this jack-hammer thing and,and,and,and telling everyone he's a cucumber! Help! I dunno what's going on."
"Hey! Your using way too many 'and's!",He promptly bitch-slapped her. "Don't screw up like that again or you're going to get screwed up!"
"Why did you do that?",She said crying.
"I'm an English teacher."
"But yeah,I'll go kick that student's ass.",Exclaimed Mr.Teh Baggel,referring of course to Harry. When he got over Harry was still doing his jack-hammer thing and excitedly shouting,"BAM! BAM! BAM BAM! BAM BAM! BAM!"
"Hey! Ass-gardener! I'll turn you into cat food!", Baggel exclaimed and whapped Harry upside his face.
"Good,I lurrrrrrrrv catfood. Yummz.",Harry said,spitting up blood. Before the fight could continue,the bell rang.
"Shit. I'll deal with you after class.",Teh Baggel sneered.
Chapter Two:"Hockey At The Casino.....at midnight."
"Okay,class. My name is Mr. Teh Baggel,T-E-H B-L-R-F-H-G. Baggel.",He wrote on the chalk board.
"Now,since to today is the first day of the schoolyear I want you to come up tell me your name and something about yourself. Who would like to go first?"
Harry excitedly sat up, now sporting a Taco Bell soft drink cup on his nether regions,and felt immense pain when the cup hit his desk. On the ground,writhing in pain,he quickly commanded,"MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEEMEMEMEMEMEME! Me,goddmamit! Me!"
"Assface. How about you.",Teh replied,ever patient.
"My name is Harry,B-U-R-R-I-T-O,Harry. And I lurrrrrrrrrv catfood.",He said and added,"Also,Baggelmaster Manchu,I think that you are Space Ghost."
"I am not."
"Good,because neither am I."
"Good. Alright next person.",Toothpaste-Mouth raised his hand,almost fully recovered from early.
"I'm Toothpa--"and suddenly,out of nowhere Harry swung the soft drink cup,that he was still wearing,at a box of pens,and then in something to be remembered forever, a pen flew from the box and hit Groovedog in the eye.
"AAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAH!",She screamed,trying to pull the pen out of her eyeball, but she tugged so hard that her eyeball flew out,taking the pen with it,and flying into T.M.'s mouth. Harry quickly ran at him and pinned him to the floor and shouting,"Lurrrv me the way your dog use to! Go for it! And call me Detective Spooner! I am bad! Spank Me!"
This made T.M. hurl and the earlier of event of today moved down to second on the list of excruciatingly fucked up things they'd seen which was getting larger by the second. In a miracle of timing,as the bell rang everyone started throwing up and running away.
"Okay,kids. It's now midnight",Mr.Baggel said after running a safe distance away from Harry's fucked-up antics,"And everyone knows what that means,right?"
A very anticlimactic chorus of "no"'s and "nope"'s echoed through out.
"It's time for hockey class at the casino!"
Everyone cheered and got onto the space ship which took them to the Blo-Chunk casino. T.M. whispered to Groovedog quietly on the ride there,"You know,Harry's fucking crazy,but I'm kinda starting to think he was right about Mr.Teh Baggel. I mean why would he bring a cape and cowl to school?"
"Okay,fine. But,he has the Phantom Cruiser."
"That's the name of the ship,dumbfuck."
"Oh. Well,I'm starting to see your point."
"Hey! Um..guys I haven't had any dialogue since this book started can I say something?",Tic-Tac chimed in.
"Well,fuck,I dunno. I just feel totally fucking useless here."
"You should. Because you are. Not to be racist,but I think Maritha Whatserfuck just added you because they need a minority on the team. You know like Apache Cheif from Superfriends.",Said Groovedog.
"Gee thanks,that really helps. You're a real bitch you know that?"
"Well,Tic-Tac, I hate to admit it,and I mean, she is a bitch--"
"I am.",Groovedog interrupted.
"--but,she's probably right."
"Thank you for that,I think I'll go kill myself now.",She said jumping out of the ship.
Chapter Three:"Zorak Attacks!"
Tic-Tac got up surprisingly finding herself intact,except those bloody stumps where her legs use to be. "Shit! Guys what happend?"
"You jumped off five seconds before we landed.",Said T.M.
"Shit's right. You want we should kill you or replace your legs with hockey sticks?"
"Hmm..come back in an hour. I'll decide then."
Everyone went in and had a great time until Zorak attacked and threatened to plow a plane full of snakes and a snake full of planes into the Casino. But Mr.Teh Baggel stood up,admitted to being Space Ghost,and shoved his head into a slot machine. Everyone won five thousand dollars and played hockey all night. Complete with strippers and booze for everyone,and no one asked for ID's. Fuck, I wanna go to that school,in my day we just answered math problems and if we got'em wrong the teacher would hit us with a board and we'd shit our pants. Anyway,on the way home Groovedog asked T.M. what he had decided about whether or not Baggel was Space Ghost.
"I think so.",Groovedog added.
"Well,me too,but Space Ghost doesn't play hockey,goddamit!"
Groovedog blew all her money on slutty clothes
Toothpaste-Mouth blew all his money buying Groovedog
Tic-Tac was forgotten and lived the rest of her life with no legs and died after a month
Harry,spent all his money on his constant campaign to capture and rape Toothpaste-Mouth
Mr.Teh Baggel spent all his money on starting his own talk show "Space Ghost Coast-To-Coast" it was a merchandising phenomenon with two spin-offs,he now resides in the biggest mansion in Mansionland.
And remember that kindergartner in the beginning? She got hit by a truck.